and it slips on by...

Oh i know...it is about dang time right?

2009-12-19T17:28:00.001-08:00

It is cold here. I walked into my apartment and it was 55 degrees. I know I am a slight bit stingy when it comes to running my heat...but it is dang cold. Winter in NC is fun. It is chilly one day and beautifully sunny the next. Yesterday and today it actually snowed:)

I know it is about time that i updated the world on my whereabouts for the past couple months since my last post.

Let me just say this. Adjustments. It is insane when you wake up one day and realize that you are truly on your own. When you look around and wonder what made you decide to move yourself literally across the country. A co-worker and I were staring at the map the other day and he says "um...do you realize you literally moved ACROSS the country." Ha.

These past 7 months have been insane. I graduated, moved, started a new job, watched my bf go, started making friends, joined a new church, felt ubberly lonely, celebrated my 23rd, realized a bunch of things about myself, and am being pursued by the Lord again.

I have a lot of hard days, but have a lot of good days as well. I have come to find that life outside of college is all about being intentional. You have to make a decision to get involved, make friends, and decide how you want life to go. There are a lot of days when i am tired from a long day at work...but going home to an empty apartment seems dreadful. So I am having to be intentional...

After the holidays i am excited for: Starting to volunteer as a Wish Granter for Make-A-Wish, starting training for the Rock and Roll Marathon in SD in June, buying a bike, joining a meet-up group, adopting a family in NC, going back to Charlotte to visit the Johnsons again, taking a train up to DC and maybe eventually to NYC, having my Cali friends come and visit me, going to the J.Crew outlet in Virginia with Brady, starting to lead a bible study with Ashley, and learning a lot.

While these past few months have been rather tough, I am thankful for the journey. It is shaping and building my character. I am learning to lean on the Lord and to fully embrace each day. While I haven't taken too too many pics, I did want to leave you with a few from these past few months.

1/2 marathon in San Diego for my 23rd b-day.

Central Cal with the Family for Thanksgiving '09

My first Corporate Party. A few little details and the night was a total success. Raleigh Country Club, amazing food, and good times with the co-workers.

This year i have my very own Christmas tree. I started an ornament collection and here is my favorite little snowman.

Oh Christmas is just right around the corner. 5 days and I will be back in Cali.

So here is to a New Year, a new journey, and new memories! Cheers:)

Tid Bits...

2009-10-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

1. The little things...

After an amazing little walk downtown Cary, I happened upon a tiny little flower shop. I have no idea why flowers bring such joy to my life, but they do. So as I stepped out of the shop that day...it is no wonder my heart was beaming. The owner had presented me with a beautiful Rose. "Wouldn't it feel great to walk down the street with a beautiful flower?" He replied. Oh the little things that make me smile.

2. Simple Smiles

I had the chance to spend the weekend with three cuties in Charlotte, NC. I was definitely in need of some kid time...and let me just say. I got me some good kid time. The Johnson's were amazing and I can't wait to go back and visit soon!

3. NC State Fair

Let me just say... the FAIR was amazing. Our philosophy was to taste the fair. So we literally asked each person their desired fair treat and navigated through the masses of people to find that treat. 1. Ashley - Funnel Cake. 2. Meredith - Deep friend Oreo's and salt water toffee 3. Judy - Chocolate Covered Bacon 4. Shy - Kettle Corn 5. Krystal - Corn and Deep fried Cheese

We laughed...smiled...and took in the variety of people that made their yearly appearance to the state fair. And some how steered clear of the deep friend butter!

4. A trip to see the changing leaves

I became as the locals like to call them a "Leaf Follower." My friend Krystal and I took a trip up to Boone and Blowing Rock. While we soon found that a snow storm had pretty much wiped the leaves out, we still enjoyed the Blue Ridge parkway and the change of scenery. Take note...if you are going to drive 3 hours up to the Mountains to see leaves changing...make sure you didn't miss them.

Our Hike:)

Not in Cali anymore:)

So there are some tid-bits from my life recently. It is AMAZING not having to work on the weekends anymore! And I am looking forward to the coming weeks as they will be packed:) Grandparents visit...Birthday in SD...Thanksgiving in Central Cal...Holiday Parties...lots of fun stuff! Stay Posted!

Life is so fragile....

2009-10-16T03:43:00.000-07:00

These past weeks have been so eye-opening! Working in HR has been such an amazingly stressful job yet at the core of it...it awakens my eye's to how fragile life really is. It is now my job to understand, care for, and support a staff of 90 people. It is my job to get offices set up, plan events, do paperwork, and make people feel welcome. While my to-do list continues to stretch by the second...and days like yesterday make me wonder why I chose to embark on this type of career, there are little moments that remind me that life is so fragile...and that I am blessed to be in the position that I am.

It is the moment that an employee comes to me to share that a family member is dying and they just needed to tell someone. Or the employee whose smile is beaming as he celebrates his recent wedding with me. It is the employee whose wife is ready to bring a new little one into the world. It is the fragile moments when people allow me into their very private world and for just one second I am reminded that there is a world outside of work. That people are struggling, loving, learning, yearning, and just need a little support. That is why I love my job.

Life is fragile. At any given moment something might happen that was unexpected. Life can shift, turn, and change in an instant. And I want to make it my job to love the people I work with. Learn to keep myself from taking it on...but simply offer a hug, ear, or little image of God's love.

Dang...life is fantastic.

Oh Fall is in the Air...

2009-10-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry... I know it has been a few weeks since my last update, but i have been super busy!

So I thought I would update you all (did you notice that I didn't say ya'll...keeping this Cali accent is getting harder by the day!).

So, the last time I wrote I had just been promoted to HR assistant. As of this week my job is crazier than ever, but the learning is still really awesome. I am learning the balance between life and worklife. Sometimes walking away at the end of the day is hard...but as the weeks turn over, it is getting easier.

I AM DONE with CRACKER BARREL finally! 3 months of it was enough for me and this last Friday night was my last 14 hour day. Thank goodness:) Here was the amazing uniform that defined my weekends for the past couple of months!

Now that I am done with Cracker Barrel, I am free! The upcoming weekends are going to be incredible. A few things on the Agenda...The State Fair, BlueRidge Parkway, J.Crew Outlet with Lailani, and other fun things with the Small Group.

I went running this morning in Umstead State Park and noticed that finally a few leaves are changing. The air was crisp and i am so jazzed about the coming weeks transforming the rest of the trees! Here is a sneek peek of what is to come in NC.

So life is pretty great. While at times the learning curve for a 22 year old single recent grad is a wee bit much ie. (New Job, New state, Insurance, Budget, New Drivers License, kinda being lonely at times, car making funny noises, still needing a hubcap...and on and on...), I am still loving it.

And in less than 6 weeks, I will be in CA to run the 1/2 marathon! So good:)

So as I leave, I thought I would just leave a little snap shot of where I spend my lunches...yep that is a lake folks. A crystal blue lake! So nice. Lake Johnson about 1 mile from where I work.

Taking flight...

2009-09-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite parts about keeping a journal is when you can look back on all the crazy twists and turns that life takes and just smile. I was reading my journal just now from this spring and am baffled by the lessons and growth that has taken place. I was reading an entry from the last day of college and the crazy emotions that were bottled up in my heart. So incredibly uncertain as to where I would be in the upcoming weeks and months. Having no idea how I would ever move on from a place that I had called home for 4 years. I was scared and uncertain.

My two songs of the moment had been, "While I am Waiting" by John Waller and "Brighter Days" by Leeland. Songs about the uncertainties of life, but still having the courage to trust that God's plan far exceeded what I had ever dreamed.

Jump to the feeling when I crossed the state line into NC. I felt this exhilarating and powerful sense of peace. An exciting and thrilling yet slightly terrifying feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had no idea why I was in this crazy new state, but I knew that it already felt amazing.

Then to my entry in the early parts of July describing how discouraged I was. I still didn't see how little pieces would fit together. I was discouraged about my job hunt, was still trying to make friends, and had no idea how I would live without my Bf if she moved.

Jump 2 months ahead. September 15th 2009. God is Good. He hears my heart and He provides in ways that I cannot describe.

I have an amazing job. I just found out this past week that I am being promoted! After less than 2 months as an Administrative Assistant at Medfusion, I am being promoted. I will soon be the HR Assistant for a company that is bursting at the seams. I am getting free training and am LEARNING so much! And I am loving even the stressful moments.

God put me in a church that is so amazing. It so aligns with my heartbeat it is crazy. I am challenged each week and am constantly encouraged to use my hands....not just my words.

I have FRIENDS! Not only have I made some great friends at work, but I am also apart of a small group that is so fantastic. We are RAW. Real and getting deeper by the week. These girls have my heart.

I had NO idea what life would look like outside of college! A new friend and I were having dinner tonight and we both laughed thinking that life would be dull outside of college. UM...yeah right. I finally have time to try all the things I was too busy to try before.

I am crossing things off my bucket list right and left. My passion for life is continuing to grow and so are my cooking skills:)

I am truly happy. I wake up the morning to birds chirping, fog rolling off the pond, and a cool breeze. If you could snap a picture of what I desired in my heart 6 months ago, this is it. I am home.

So there is my September update. I have no idea where I will be in 6 months from now. But one thing is certain... I will soak it up. For each journal entry holds a story and I am just starting this crazy novel of life.

Where to begin...

2009-09-07T17:48:00.001-07:00

This weekend has been rough.

It is a little before 9 on Labor Day and i am surrounded by candles. George Winston is floating in the background and I am truly alone. The weekend crafts are finished, the cookies have been baked, and the apartment has been cleaned. I wondered what this feeling might feel like, but now I am surrounded with quiet and am not sure really how to handle the swirl of emotions swimming in my head.

I am on my own. I am in a state, apartment, bedroom...all alone. There is this mix between freeing and terrifying feelings buzzing in my heart. My near and dear BF moved away from me this weekend and while it was time, it doesn't remove the fact that the quiet is a constant reminder of her departure.

I am a big girl now. I am truly on my own for the first time in my life and it scares the crap out of me. I know that God has, is, and will provide for me...but it is still scary. I am lonely. I am lonely, okay so there i said it.

I felt something this weekend that I haven't felt in a long time. The longing for a man. I think for a long time I pushed away the thought of a man, in fear that i would have to once again divide my time between my best friend and boyfriend. And while that sounds silly, if you had a bf like Deanna you would understand. She is way too cool to neglect.

But with her departure something in my heart burst open. Maybe a brick wall had formed around those desires...and now slowly but surely they are coming down brick by brick. While i feel like i am open to the thought of being in a relationship, I also have a strong inclination that it will still be a while. Which also forces me to really be okay with where God has me. To enjoy the quiet and to continue growing as a single women. To realize that there will be lonely weekends where i am truly alone, but also realize that this may be the only point in my life where I can find the time to breath...learn...and grow...ALONE.

So as the apartment stays quiet for the next who knows how long...i will rejoice in this space. I will leave a mess on the counter, walk around in my sports bra, and sing a the top of my lungs. For this girl is on her own. ON HER OWN. In a state, apartment, job, church, and place that she loves.

Back to Chris Botti and Redeeming Love I go!

My weekend thus far

2009-08-29T09:41:00.000-07:00

So my bf and I had a girl date last night as her departure is just around the horizon (a week from today). Talk about a great night. We went to saw Post Grad with Alexis Bladel. SO good. It is kind of strange when you feel so much like the main character it is kind of creepy. The movie so depicts where D and my lives are, it is scary. HA. I rarely want to buy movies...but that will be on my to-buy list for sure.

After the movie we went to get some dinner at this little cafe around the corner, too bad they were closing. So we grabbed some food and finished off the perfect meal with some Panera Chai. I just sat their smiling and thinking about how fantastic life is. Two friends just giggling over some great food and dreaming of the future. The rain was falling outside and I could smell fall in the air. I finally coined my favorite season as FALL. Changing leaves, warm fires, and holiday on the horizon. Oh so good.

This morning I checked something off my bucket list.
73. Drive down a random road and get lost on purpose

I just drove around Morrisville and Cary finding random roads. I found new neighborhoods, a farmers market, and these crazy boys super excited about waving little arrow signs. And I found my dream house. With a huge porch and everything! It had this cute little fence and porch swing.

So here is a picture, but i couldn't get ubberly close...they might have called the cops.

I love NC. I can't say that enough. It is absolutely beautiful. I almost feel like i am watching a movie of someone else's life when they find something "JUST RIGHT." I am so excited about getting out there and exploring every little piece of this state. Such joy!

And I found a favorite new artist. Erin McCarly. So so good.

Well I am off to Cracker Barrel. And as corny as this sounds, I am kinda excited to go to work. I love the people in there and the ladies have become like second families to me. I haven't been in there in 2 weeks. Strange.

Adding to the list:

2009-08-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

Since I had about 12 hours of flying time last weekend, I updated my list... here goes:)

84. Play a round of golf
85. Bake a Homeade Pie
86. Break a habit
87. Drive a car worth more than 80,000 dollars
88. Walk on Fired
89. Leave a huge tip
90. Help build funds to build a school in Tanzania
91. Catch a fish
92. Buy a strangers grocery's
93. Pass on a skill i know
94. Build a tree house
95. Go to an Art Show
96. Build a Sand Castle
97. Do Karaoke at a legit Karaoke place
98. Ride a mechanical bull
99. By my own Boss
100. Continue a Family Tradition
101. Go to the Rodeo
102. Find random names in the phone book and write them an encouraging card
103. Drive a Motorcycle
104. Buy a home
105. Visit a old folks home
106. Go to the movies / buy popcorn, candy, and a drink
107. See a Nascar Race
108. Learn from a wise person
109. Have a photograph of mine published
110. Go to a horse race

So that is how it feels...

2009-08-25T19:44:00.001-07:00

There was this anxious feeling at the pit of my stomach when I landed in Ontario, CA. It had been my home for the past 4 years and now I felt like a foreigner. I walked down the terminal and had the biggest smile on my face. Walking out into the cool California breeze, I strained my eyes to see the black suburban that would contain my best friend. And then there she was. Tall, Tan, and Radiant. Jessica was beaming and i couldn't contain my squeals as we ran into an instant embrace.

This past weekend was one of those rare times in life when you almost feel like you are having an out of body experience. Like you are moving, walking, and talking, but you honestly feel like you are floating above just watching. For 4 days I got to walk alongside Jess as she prepared herself, emotional, physically, and spiritually for the next phase of her life. It was incredible.

We chatted like little school girls at one moment and the next we talked about the serious role that she would be taking on. We laughed at our obsession of high powered fans and delighted in getting our nails done for the first time in years. The entire weekend I just had this overwhelming sense of awe.

Words almost can't capture the feeling that was in my heart. A sense that all was right in the world. That no matter what stress or problem came about...everything would be okay. Because this one boy and this one girl were rooted in something more than wedding favors and flowers...but in a relationship so focused on the Lord's will.

Jess was absolutely beautiful on her wedding day. AMAZING!!!!

After the wedding Shaun and Cody came to pick me up. Talk about the perfect ending to the perfect weekend. Quality time with my two favorite people in the world! We had a big sleepover in Shaun's new apartment (SO INCREDIBLE), ate at one of the best places I have ever eaten (The Hash House), and enjoyed just spending a few hours with my amazing brothers.

But as I prepared to fly back across the country, I was thrilled. I had the chance to see some great friends...spend some time with my brothers...and realize that NC finally felt like home. While I have no doubt I will visit Cali again...I missed my new life.

As I walked back into the humid and slightly sticky air after a 10 hour travel day, I was home. Life is beautiful:)

The boys during our morning in SD

Laughs at The Hash House

This profound effect

2009-08-18T20:37:00.001-07:00

So today i got to talking with two new friends from work...we were talking about our blogs. Now some blogs are good...but oh my gosh, this one friend of mines is incredible. As many of you know, I dream a lot! I have a fat Bucket List and am constantly checking things off the list. I want to live fully alive and pursue the little moments that make life all that it is. Now...with that being said, usually when i begin explaining my crazy bucket list, people start looking at me like i am out of my mind. But today something fantastic happened...I said something about my bucket list and my new friend Emily started talking about her list of 101 things. It is her desire to complete her list of 101 things in the next few years. I began reading her list and with glee in my heart I realized how similar we are. The little things in life are the ones that are going to create the lasting moments that take out breath away. So... below you will find my ongoing bucket list! I will try to post pictures and cross things off the list as I compete them:) So So So very good.

1. Play Mud Football
2. Trace my roots back
3. Finish the story I have been writing for years
4. Go to Santorini, Greece
5. Take an Art Class
6. Volunteer for a cause I am passionate about

7. Move up in a company
- From Administrative Assistant to HR Assistant:) -
Starting January 2009 *I am cheating...but hey I do what I want!

8. Buy a stranger lunch
9. Go to Tazmania
10. Read through the entire Bible
11. Take my mom to see Josh Groban in concert
12. Learn how to play the guitar
13. Go to all 7 continents
14. Kiss in the Rain
15. Go to the Spa for the day
16. Help re-built a community overseas
17. Go to a fashion show
18. Take a helicopter ride
19. Sample every flavor at 31 flavors
20. Be in two places at once
21. See Oprah live
22. Learn to take fantastic photographs
23. Work for someone I can truly learn from
24. Run a half marathon
25. Hike a tall mountain
26. See 5 of the wackiest tourist stops in America
27. Re-Cover my new chair all by myself
28. Make enough money to be able to pay for my parents meal without stressing
29. Take a dance class
30. Live near my parents again
31. Do Absolutly nothing for an entire day
32. Go on a date
33. Have a house by a lake
34. Go legit skinny dipping
35. Fall in love
36. Take a trip on a train *an overnight train
37. Go to the airport and let a random stranger pick where I fly to
38. Explore a small town

39. Live on my own
- As of September 5th 2009...all by myself! Lonely at times, but incredibly bazaar and Fantastic at the same time!

40. Take an Acting Class
41. Grow a garden
42. Get a mentor
43. Figure out what I believe *or at least a little of what I believe
44. Go back and visit my childhood home
45. Have Taco Tuesdays at my house
46. Mentor someone younger than me
47. Learn how to drive a stick shift
48. Make my own wine by stomping on grapes…
49. Visit the North East in the Fall
50. Adopt a family at Christmas time
51. Spend an entire day in bed
52. Run a Red Light
53. Watch all the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings Movies
54. Zip-line through a rain forest
55. Actually do Jacobs Ladder at a ropes course
56. Cook an entire meal for my family
57. Help my Grandpa finish his book
58. See John Mayer in concert
59. Witness a miracle
60. Finish a triathlon
61. Learn how to play the game of risk
62. Go to a professional Football game
63. Crash a wedding
64. Learn how to change my own tire
65. Save up money and go on a shopping spree
66. Learn to really listen
67. Have an entire day devoted to random acts of kindness
68. Own my own Christmas Tree
69. Send postcards to people I admire
70. See a Broadway
71. Learn to kick-box
72. Have an old bridesmaids dress party

73. Drive down a random road and get lost on purpose
- Morrisville and Cary - found my dream home (8/29/2009)

74. Give 5 foods a chance that I think I hate
75. Go wine tasting
76. Go puddle jumping

77. Get a drink at a real bar
San Diego - At Whisky Girl for Jess' Bachelorette Party (8/21/2009)

78. Plan a major Event
79. Laugh until I cry
80. Run the bases at a major league field
81. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
82. Go on a trip with Village Care
83. Contact all my old teachers that impacted my life and tell them thank you

Obviously my list is ever growing, but for now...I shall start:)

August 5th

2009-08-05T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am conflicted in a strong way tonight. This week has been great, i am exhausted from working all the time... but life is fabulous. Yesterday I had this run that took my breath away. The sun was just coming up, there was steam coming off the pond, and my smile was shining bright. So good.

I was offered the United Way job and after thinking it was "It" a few weeks ago, I kindly refused. So strange that sometimes our visions are so far from what God has in store for us. I am now interviewing for a full time position at Medfusion a web developing company. I love my job. I love my new work friends, I love love love it. I look forward to going to work everyday, because I have NO idea what i am going to do. Or how long my to-do list is going to be. I love it though:)

I have found an incredible church. The Summit rocks my socks. I am challenged and called out every week. So so good! I also joined a small group with Deanna and those girls have my heart. Our bible studies go for 3 hours and i can't get enough. We are planning all sorts of fun together soon... ie. camping trips, dancing lessons, running groups, taco Tuesdays:) Such joy to my heart.

And these girls...they are the real deal. We are all struggling, but digging deep and being vulnerable. I love it:)

But this evening my world was rocked. I found out that D is moving home *yes back to Cali. And the crazy part was that I was not shocked. I knew for a long time that her heart was not in love with NC like mine was and that she was not happy. But i guess i never realized how much she hated it. So in a little less than a month, she will be packing her car and driving back. I totally understand and am supporting her, but my heart just hurts.

I guess it hurts to lose her and lose what I had envisioned as being this amazing journey together. But at the same time I also realize how much i love where I am and wish that for her. I wish her the world basically. That her heart would land somewhere so good. That she can walk out on her patio and feel what I feel when I walk out on ours. That satisfying feeling of "JUST RIGHT."

So...tonight I am just trying to focus on the here and now. To not jump to any conclusions and breath through every moment. All the little factors will play out just right and I will remind myself that each and everyday. That God is in complete CONTROL. That while it is my tendency to panic, this will be different. I may struggle, but I will TRUST.

I am thankful for each and every moment of this journey and am so excited to see where tomorrow takes me:)

As Ginnie Owens sings:

So if all these trials bring me closer to you, I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

It may not be the way that I would have chosen, when you lead me through a world that is not my own...but you never said that it would be easy, you always said "you'll never go alone"

Life is so good.

All I want is one of those little name badges...

2009-07-08T09:20:00.001-07:00

They are coming in by the herds. And they all carry something in common. A name badge. This is it. They are different colors, sorts, and hold different definitions. It means something though. They are all in the same group...and they are all getting a paycheck. Now while those vary as well, I want one!

Just a job. A simple Job. I am honestly losing my brains. I am working full time to find a full time job and I am getting nowhere! I am getting frustrated and down. This is not my personality and it is killin me!

But after reading "The Noticer," by Andy Andrews I have to keep remembering something. In his book there were some amazing quotes, but a few of my favorite say...

"Whatever you focus on, increases!" ...Therefore my focus shall be on living life to the fullest in any circumstance. As my dad reminded me...I am eating a great sea food feast while watching the amazing sunset!

And the other one that I know is going to totally butcher right now...says something like:

"The painting never became a masterpiece without the little brushstrokes"

Oh man so good. These are the times...the journey and the hardships that build the beautiful painting. It is when we are struggling and not understanding tomorrows outcome that we build upon the painting of life. While there are moments when I just want to give up and go back home, I realize that these are the moments that are going to define who I am. I am a survivor and I going to be okay. I know that God's plan is so much bigger than mine, so in this moment I am going to smile and keep going!

Just a little fun with the camera:)

2009-07-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

Talk about a different experience! NC does the 4th a little differently. We headed into Cary for a little family celebration...didn't realize how funny the observations would be! People get cut throat when it comes to doughnut eating competitions, watermelon eating competitions, sack races, and all the other random games! Some of these pictures brought to light all the fun!

So as a few of you know...i just started getting interested in photography. I NEED to take a class...but until i have a job and some sort of income, I will have to just wait:)

Yesterday, my roomie and I went out in search of some fun places to snap some shots. Here are a few:)

Oh man, I really need some lessons...but i sure do love it!

"When you do something from your soul...

2009-06-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

you feel a river moving in you, a joy." - Broken Open

North Carolina is for my soul!

I think that God blesses us with moments when we begin to see things falling into place. When life seems to be unraveling around you, but at the core of you there is a feeling of peace. Most of the questions you are dying to know are not understood and to the outside world life looks complicated, but it is not.

Today I felt this. A renewal. A re-charging of some sort. Yesterday I was hit pretty hard with the complicated nature of my perfectionist's ways. I started worrying over finding a job, making it in this world and began to forget.

But this evening...dang. As I finished the last of my dinner, I stared out the window and was romanced. Perfectly still water, a serene golf course, a setting sun. Could life get much better? I do not think so!

But it did.. I stepped outside and felt alive. I walked along the golf course path and was startled by the feeling of home I felt deep in my soul. This is it. The feeling that I have not felt in years was back. Tall Green trees, amazing weather, and a perfect walk.

This is it. I have been dreaming about moving to this place for a year now and I am finally here. I may not have a job and I may have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know one thing for sure. God is in control. I feel Him all around me and in this time of unknowing, I am comforted.

I am joyful and am so excited for the prospect of tomorrow. It is not a job hunt anymore...it is a opportunity for me to learn and grow. A chance for me to make it on my own and to prove that dreams can come true.

North Carolina is my dream and I am living it!

The last little while.

2009-05-20T13:31:00.001-07:00

It has been so long since I last posted...so while I have another 2 hours in the Atlanta Airport *before I head to Europe, I thought I might as well update you all:)

Well...I am a college graduate. Never thought the day would come and then it came and went before I even knew what to do with myself. The day itself was fantastic, with all my dearest friends and family surrounding me. Then 3 days later I experienced a sort of gut wrenching pain that I do not think I have felt ever in my life. I said goodbye. Goodbye to all that had defined me for the past 4 years, my family, my friends, and my identity. Cal Baptist while small at times was my home away from home. So many fond moments and memories.

The transition that has been taking place in my life has been interesting to say the least. As I drove back to Northern California for a few weeks of break, I realized that big things were about to take place. I graduated, was going to go to Europe, and move to an entirely new state all within about a months time.

Time at home has been a mix between emotionless, grief-filled, and great times. The tears freely came and went. I spent some incredible times with my parents. Talking and mourning a closed chapter of my life.

Last Wednesday, I jumped out of a plane. It sounds so crazy...but looking back the experience, i realize that it almost gives me the confidence to do anything. After my dad and I landed back on the ground, we started talking about the experience. I started explaining to him what a huge thing it was for me and how I felt the skydiving was a symbol of my growth over the past year. I jumped out of a plane. A perfectly good plane as a matter of fact. I was not scared, but just ready to breath in every last moment. It was fantastic.

Looking back, I realize that a lot of my life is going to be filled with the unknown. A lot of moments when I have the decision to stay safe...or jump out of the perfectly good plane. While the perfectly good plane would be predictable and reliable...it is not until I push myself to stretch that I can become fully alive.

Right now I am sitting waiting to fly to Europe for a 12 day vacation with my mom. I am extraordinarily excited to get away and just breath in all the moments. To learn the history, taste the food, and smell in all that sets the countries apart. I bought my brothers Cannon camera and will be capturing little moments in all the towns we visit.

Last night I had the chance to touch base with my roommate and realized what a huge thing we are about to embark upon. We are leaving everything that we have ever known to move to a foreign place. We are starting over and wiping our slates clean. While at times this almost takes my breath away...the very idea of leaving all that is comfortable to me, I am also very excited. I am going to do it. I am going to push myself out of the plane and see where I land.

So...that is the update. Life at this very moment is what I would call unstable. One day I am depressed and the next day I am bouncing off the walls with excitement. But the one thing I am learning is to feel it. To be okay with the emotions and feelings that I often times try to push away. I am going to be broken open and learn all that I can through this experience.

Because I want to live fully alive.

Udder Joy

2009-04-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life has moments when you feel speechless. When life is so simple and pure.

Today I had one of those moments.

I got to hold little Eisley Claire...less than 24 hours old. So simple and so sweet.

I just held her and thought of life.

About the stage that I am in and realized that I need to slow down.

To feel just one moment at a time.

To realize that life is not as complicated as we want it to be and that we only have one life to live.

She was beautiful. She was absolutely beautiful. She has this adorable little nose and cute little face. She is so soft and wonderful.

I haven't held a baby this fresh since Brenden...and it was so incredible.

I walked away and felt like I was walking on the clouds.

Life is beautiful. God is so incredible in His ability to produce life. That He handcrafts a child in their mother's womb for 9 months and then just at the right time...they come out. That the pain is horrible, but then you are holding a piece of you.

That forever life is different. Kristen was radiant today. Her glow was so magical and she was so meant to be a mother it was incredible. Passionate and natural. JJ and Kristen were so cute. They were so ready and that is what I want someday. They are so in love and now they are ready to bring a new bundle of joy into their lives. SO AMAZING!

Life is fantastic.

My Yellow Brick Road

2009-04-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I had the chance to sit down with Lee McFee last night and what an incredible time I had. She was so encouraging and uplifting. She made me realize what a great place I am at right now. But before I forgot, I wanted to write down something she said.

Just remember... It is God's Yellow Brick road we are following. He is going to take us home...He is going to help up down the path that is our future. Sometimes we wander off the yellow brick road and we often times find ourselves hurting or lost, but we can always get back on the right path.

If we understand that the journey will take us through many uncharted territories....uncharted waters...and over unknown mountains...we can cling to the knowledge that He knows our future. He knows the way and He already has the map. We just need to keep following the Yellow Brick road.

As I look for jobs, start interviewing, and move across the country...I must cling to the knowledge that I want to stay on the Yellow Brick road. Hum... so good!

The heart.

2009-03-28T22:31:00.001-07:00

So let me just say...this last week has been tough. Honestly, one of the hardest weeks i have faced in a really really long time.

So my question is, what do you do when you know that you care for someone so much that you must break their heart?

When you know that no matter what you say and no matter how much you try to explain, it just will not be okay? That your answers will never be right? That they did nothing, but you still broke them to pieces?

But when you know what your heart is telling you, you must follow through. And while I feel like a horrible person, I also know that looking back...I did the right thing.

I have never been through this before. I have never felt a broken heart and I am pretty sure that my heart is sitting in pieces on the floor right next to me. To care so much for a person that you want the best for them...but they don't understand....it hurts! It is horrible actually. To talk to someone everyday for months and then you pass him and can't even say a word? Heartwrenching.

But today, I picked up one of the pieces off the floor. I started dreaming again and I starting breathing again. I realized that I followed my heart and now i am going to start chasing after what my heart is telling me to chase after.

I am going to Europe. I am going to Italy, Greece, and Spain. I am going on a 12 day cruise and I am freaking out. I am so excited and ready to explore and relax. holy smokes...I am going to Europe.

And I want to go to a fashion show. And I want to skydive. And I want to work in a Children's Hospital. And I want to move to NC. And I want to read a lot. And I want to get a job. And I want to be a great friend. And I want to get healthy. And I want to learn how to play the guitar. And I want to help put on a great Swipe-To-Save this next week! I want to explore:)

This picture in my head.

2009-03-18T17:24:00.001-07:00

Last June:
- One night i had a dream. A dream of moving to NC and of loving it. I woke up the next morning with this burning desire to check into the state. To uproot myself and move across the country to a state I had only visited once when I was younger. Bazaar.

But It was on my heart and I knew that unless i actually followed through...i would always wonder.

Monday:
- It was unlike most things. I was not anxious or worried. I was not even scared. But at peace. Knowing that for some reason I needed to go. One time Ken told me that the reason why I had to go...was because it made no sense. He told me that when we are so excited and passionate about something...it just fits. It makes no sense to most of the rest of the world, but to you...it makes udder sense. That is my NC.

I got on the plane and the air was different. A sense of excitement and ahh. I sat down next to the most down to earth young lady who teaches in Raleigh. She told me all about where she lived and the best places to visit in Raleigh. She told me about the community and places to look to live.

I got off the plane and instantly i could see myself here. It wasn't too big, but just right. People held doors, said hello, and were overwhelming nice. I know...i know...there were other people in Cali who are nice...but i just felt welcome!

I walked outside the doors and I instantly saw beautiful blooming trees.

My trip has been incredible. Wilmington was great, but I can see myself in Raleigh. I love it here. I love the trees everywhere, the quiet yet excited atmosphere. I love the college pride right and left. I love the way that people look you in the face and are polite. I love the way that I can imagine myself discovering all the places to see in NC. I want to move here.

It is across the country. I don't know anyone here...and for some odd reason that is what is making this entire thing so incredible. OUT ON MY OWN. I moved 8 hours away...but to a bubble. I want to figure this game out on my own. I want to struggle and discover.

I know that God has made my heart beat differently...and for some odd reason He is making me soooooo excited for NC. I remember visiting Nashville last year and just not feeling right. There was this deep down feeling that I just didn't want to be there. I have almost been waiting for that lurking feeling to creep back up...but nope. (okay..maybe once when i drove through downtown Durham:) haha...not the best part of town). But I love it here.

I think i could go on and on as to why i love it here...but i am going to stop. I do not know if i will be in this state for months/years/ or for the rest of my life...all i know is that I am so excited to start this new journey.

Now as i return to reality tomorrow, I am going to soak up my friend/family/comfort, for it is going to escape very soon. Holy smokes I am about to graduate from college!

Things that make me smile:)

2009-03-06T15:33:00.001-08:00

And then it was followed by...

2009-03-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

So after the retreat I came back on the top of the world. Everything felt calm and steady. I still had no idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go...but hey that was okay.

And then something amazing happened. I got an e-mail this evening. It was from a women in NC who is looking for a nanny for the summer. She and I had been having some complications when trying to get in touch and finally today something clicked.

Basically she sounds really positive and excited to meet me when I come to NC. The family lives right outside Chapel Hill and both the husband and wife work in the medical field. Which is so amazing, because for some reason I told her that I wanted to get into putting on events at hospitals, and she told me that both huge medical centers had amazing programs. COME ON NOW. Not only would i have the chance to figure out if the area is for me...but maybe have the chance to get connected in the medical world as well. INCREDIBLE.

It just feels right. I know...I haven't landed the job...but right now...i feel so good. Like, why would i lack in faith...when the Father always provides. And...even if this does not work out...i know that there will be something better out there.

So we shall see. But right now...i am floating! I am so excited and preparing for the next phase...whatever that may be.

As for now...

2009-03-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

Wow... what an incredible weekend!
I had the opportunity to spend Saturday night and Sunday morning at an incredible lake house in Canyon Lake (outside of Temecula)...with the UP Ra's. Such a blast. It was so fun to just look around and realize that i had 25 amazing friends. To realize that we are all from such different backgrounds, but we all just love on each other.

I ended up staying up until 3 just sitting around talking with a bunch of the boys...and Monica and Danielle...it was so much fun!

The next morning I had the chance to wake up and spend sometime on the lake. I just sat on the shore and journal ed. It was so amazing. I realized that for the first time in months i was hearing silence. Utter silence (besides a few ducks fighting over food!) It was incredible. It really got me thinking. That i desire something so different than most people. As i started thinking about this new transition in my life, i realized that I don't have any answers. But what i do have is a thirst. A thirst to see and feel this life that God has granted me. To move and discover. To dream and run.

For some reason it was just what i was needing. To really trust and be filled with the faith that God had put these desires on my heart and that I just needed to pray, listen, and then go.

So incredible. Utter satisfaction! Pure Joy.

The journey is unclear...but so clear!

So that's how that feels...

2009-02-15T22:40:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day 2009.

Yesterday was such a puzzling day. First thing in the morning i get a call from one of my best friends Jess...screaming that she was engaged. ENGAGED??? Could this be happening? Could we honestly be at this point? Where people start settling down and building a family? It hit me so hard...i was shaking from my excitment, yet when my heart calmed I realized something. I have been in denial for a long time that I am at this stage in my life. That I am honestly old enough to be getting ready to graduate and face the real world. To start looking for jobs and start a new life. Honestly...it took a crazy phone call to make me realize that as much as I want it to slow down...i can't. It is here.

So then there was this thing where I like a guy...but i couldn't really tell him fully how i felt about him. Thus... i went out with the ladies. Which would have been amazing, if i could get that dang boy off of my mind.

So as i hit the town with 4 amazing friends I for the first time had a conflicting heart. Where i was enjoying myself...but it was VALENTINES DAY. I had my first Valentine and i almost had to ignore the feelings of my heart. It kinda sucked, because I was not there. I was not in the chicken and waffles and I was not in the sunset. I was not in the discussion over chai and I was not in the car...i was miles away. I love those girls and I on any other night would have been fully in the moment...not this day. Not this day when everywhere I looked there were couples...holding hands...holding dang hands. HA.

It was such a puzzling day. It was a day that felt awkward. AWKWARD.

But the good thing is...i did get to see him. And after i saw him...i got to stay up really really late with my bf. We had a dance party in the dark with glow sticks and M.I.A. :) We laughed our heads off and then we layed on the couch upside down and dreamed of the future. It was incredible. It was the v-day I needed. They were the moments that made me want to curl up into a little ball and cry my eye-balls out. It made me want to hug D and never let her go. It made me realize that I have the best friend in the entire world and i am scared to death how everything is going to change in just a few short months. It made me want to be in the moment. To embrace every chance to just be a kid at heart.

Ps. He got me a book all about North Carolina for V-Day (cutest thing ever!) and it made me realize how excited i am about moving. Terrified but incredibly excited. That i have no idea what NC holds and I have no idea why I must go...but i am so SO so SO intrigued. WOOOOO HOOOO NC!

So there was my V-day. So incredible and complicated and memorable and hard. But so very good.

Exhausted.

2009-02-02T19:46:00.001-08:00

Dang...that was brutal.

I don't know what i was thinking a marathon would be like, but it was hard! Maybe it was because of the pavement or because it was 26.2 miles, but it was way harder than i thought possible!

But I think this is just the soreness talking. I am sitting on my couch and almost every bone from my hips down hurts. But looking back i know that in a day or two i will be amazed that I was able to check something off of the bucket list. I can't believe that I trained for 4 months and then went and did it! So incredible.

I think I just kept looking around at all the ppl who were doing it right alongside me and i was amazed at their determination. It was hard, but they kept their heads up! And it was crazy to run down the last mile and see so many of my friends cheering me on! The support was incredible. Running to my parents arms and feeling so incredible when i ran across that line. I did it...26.2 miles!

Ask me in a month if I'm going to do another one...just not today ha.

It's peekin out:)

2009-01-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

There is a gap in the clouds. There is a little ray of sunshine and it is hitting my heart.
There are still big fluffy clouds, but they are getting lighter and brighter.
The blue is beginning to show.

God is so amazing. His perfect timing is so reassuring. Sometimes life is filled with the unknown and uncertain, but in the end...He is still in control.

I thank God for these experiences, these journey's, these trials. They only make me stronger.
That one day i will look back and realize that though it did not make sense at the time, His plan was so much bigger than mine.

Thanks for all the prayers.

A hard day.

2009-01-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

Today was a very hard day.

The tears came, my heart hurts.
I have lots of questions.
The person i wish i could talk to the most i feel like i can't call.

This isn't supposed to be how it is.
The rain is here today.

But i am praying for Sunshine tomorrow.

me.

Are we already here?

2009-01-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

I was sitting around with a bunch of my friends last night and i just started thinking. We were reflecting on a bunch of different things that have happened over the last few years and it was amazing to me where we are right in this moment.

I watched as two of my friends prepared for tests that would make them the controllers of an entire classroom of little people. The amazing opportunity to touch the lives of children.

Another friend who is knee deep in her studies to become a life-saver. To assist doctor's in their fight to help keep life. Her complete discipline and determination to rock her classes and her joy that is intoxicating.

My other friend who is a dreamer. Who wishes to have at least a glimpse of what the future holds, but is trying to be in the moment as well. The fact that she is so beyond capable, sometimes i would imagine this being her main problem. She is so talented and gifted that it is almost too scary to have to figure out where to start.

And then my other friend. The artist. The free soul. She is so inspirational. Watching her navigate is truly an honor.

One of these girls was babysitting her little cousin and he was having a tough time going to sleep. It was incredible to me what i think i noticed. After a time, I offered to have my hand in trying to help soothe him. As I started reading him a book, I realized that God has given me a gift with children. I have no idea why it is so easy for me to comfort children, but it just comes naturally. As I laid with him and rubbed his eye's i thought about life. Could we be at this point?

The point where we move away, follow our dreams, and meet our futures head on? Is this the moment when we get married, have kids, and enter the next stage. Now, don't worry...i am not meaning that this is going to be anytime soon...but this is the next stage. The stage in which these kids will be my own and this picture will be mine.

It made me realize that i have a lot of dreams, but the idea of being a mother is also exciting. For some reason I have a heart for children! I think for the first time i realized that being a mother will be a dream come true! Other people's kids are great, but the bond i know i will one day share with my own children will be incredible. (But...it won't happen for at least another few years...my few being 5 or 7 haha). But when that moment comes, i think it will be just right.

Last night was bittersweet. These moments make me realize how fast life goes and that the future is right on top of us. We graduated high school thinking that college would last forever, but it hasn't. It is almost over. So as I press onto the future, I want to cling to the present. For I know that I can learn a lot from each of my friends, professors, and from this school. For before we know it...it will all just be a memory.

Happy.

2009-01-05T23:54:00.000-08:00

Life is amazing.

It doesn't fit in a pretty little box.
It is the warm sun on my face.
It is the freedom as i leave work...ha.
It is that little smile i get on my walk to the cafe.
It is three boys squishing into CBU's latest statue.
It is having girl talk and being so excited for others upcoming additions.
It is the taste of cheeze-its.
It is music blasting in a blue BMW...pedal to the medal.
It is the voice of my parents on the phone.
It is the joy i feel in my heart when i see others succeed.
It is John Mayer late at night.
It is the excitement to see a long lost friend in the morning.
It is feeling so at home.
It is having no idea what i want and soaking up every single minute of the unpredictability.

I am really happy. My last semester starts in less than two days and I am ready. Ready to go out with a bang. Ready to enjoy the little things and say "no" to the un-needed. I am ready to laugh and cry, to prepare and just experience. WOO hoo... Last semester senior year...baby!!! I got this !!!

My new found love:

2008-12-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

So I had homework from Ken this last week.
Take 100 photo's.
Bad IDEA!
In one week...i will have no camera and I think i might cry.

I am in love with photography. I am in love with the story that is hidden in their eyes. I had the opportunity to take a picture of each of my family members at the Ranch. What an amazing opportunity. I haven't had the chance to post the pictures yet, but what I found was a story in their face. I know...they are not typical photo's but they make me smile. The little things that so depict who they are and the story they live.

Then today, back in Cali we went bowling. I was watching this little girl with her dad and it was amazing. She was 2 1/2 and it was her first trip to the bowling alley. The joy that was found in a simple little pink bowling ball was powerful. She would roll the ball down the lane and run back to the ball returner...just waiting for her ball to magically appear. Her little smile and intoxicating happiness tainted my entire experience.

I finally had the guts to ask her dad if i could try taking some pictures of her and he was delighted to hear that I would e-mail him some of the pictures i captured.

I have no idea why these little things are making such an impact on my life, but for some reason the stories that people carry around are incredibly fascinating to me. I would love to travel around the world snapping pictures of people in their element. Today, It was just one little girl with her daddy out for a day at the lanes. Who knows what tomorrow will hold.

Something in their eye's

2008-12-22T17:02:00.000-08:00

People captivate me. The story in their eye's is ever changing. The lines on their face almost capturing the story that is so hidden in their heart. I could spend hours scouring the Internet for new photographers who have been able to capture a little of this on their camera.

The story of a life filled with hard work and heartbreak. The story of a young women meeting the man she will marry for the first time. The look of a young boys face covered in coal after another long day in the mines. Little eye's captured by their new teachers words.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/photo-contest/2007-winners

AMAZING....AMAZING.

I do not know why photography takes me to a different place. I can't capture the words of how it makes my heart feel. It makes me want to know their stories, to hear their hearts, and to share in their lives.

Standing in front of two pictures I am amazed by what unfolds in front of my eye's. The first picture is of a strong looking business man with his delicate wife. He is well dressed and confident. The picture to my left holds a man who has been weathered by life. His overalls are torn and his hands are raw from the hours of working the land. Both men are living a life. Both are living out their stories.

The amazing thing to me is that both these men are filled with life. They have struggled and overcome. They have created and destroyed. They have felt love and the pang of loss. They have faced battles and been blessed.

The thing is....we are all connected! We all have a story and we all need love. No matter what face we decide to put on, there is a story.

Maybe photography is just how God helps me understand people a little better. Helps me fill this often un-loving heart with love. To begin to see the little things in life. Because after all...it is the little things that create the big picture.

Christmas time...

2008-12-22T15:38:00.000-08:00

Frank Sinatra is floating through the air, I am wrapped in an over sized duvet comforter and I am happy. My heart is almost beaming. I have been sitting on this couch contemplating life for a few hours now and I am concluding....life is amazing.

It is amazing to know how much growth has taken place in just one year. It is incredible to be able to really feel at the pit of your stomach the truth. It is fantastic to finally have a grip on who I am and what I represent.

I have a lot of dreams for this next year and a lot of things that I would love to discover. I have a feeling that a lot of changes will be made and that I may not always be sure of where i am going, but i am positive that everything will turn out okay.

I am blessed with the relationships around me and I am so lucky to have been given the chance to live the life I do. Today is magical. God is so good.

Something different this year!

2008-12-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

I had been sitting on my couch for four hours by then. Almost like a hermit…surrounded by exploding notebooks, a very hot laptop, and way too many syllabuses. Outside my window the clouds were dark and one would think this would give a person the ambition to stay inside and get those papers done, right? WRONG! I needed out.

So, before I could remind myself of all the things that were on my finals to-do list, I grabbed my brand new blue pea coat and keys, and hit the road.

Most of my friends know that I am not really the shopping type. The idea of spending hours trying to find that one perfect Christmas gift is not my idea of fun. But the truth is, with only 14 days of Christmas shopping left and way too much studying to do, I must utilize the time I have. Therefore, I grabbed a chai tea latte, my Christmas list and charged the doors.

But something crazy happened! I walked in…found my gifts…and walked out. No rush, no anxiety, no moody people. It was amazing. The mall was terrific. People were all smiling and getting ready for the upcoming festivities. I could not figure out if it was me or if something had changed.

I think the sad truth is that it has taken me 22 years to finally appreciate the season. I mean I am a gift giver, so by nature I have always slightly freaked out when it comes to the perfect gift. But this year, I realized that most people won’t even remember what I gave them a year from now. But, the smell of the sticky buns floating up the stairs Christmas morning and the screams as we fight over another game of NERTS will stay in my memory for years to come. It won’t be the perfect gift card that I found or the amazing sale item that I snagged, but the incredible conversations I had with my entire family around the fireplace that will mark this season.

As I plopped back down on that cluttered couch that day, I had a little smile on my face. For I was only 2 papers, 2 group projects, and 1 test away from a great break with the family!

Happy Holidays, Shy

Oh the weather outside is freightful!

2008-12-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, it is raining. I am so excited because finally it is cold and rainy outside. I don't know why...but in 80 degree weather it just doesn't feel much like Christmas. I am 2 group projects, 2 Christmas/graduation parties, 3 check-outs, and 4 hours of work from being done!!!!

Then only one more semester...dang! Where in the world did my college years go?

Chris Brown + Glow Sticks

2008-12-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Okay...so I tend to forget to write down the crazy things that happen in college.

Here is the set up:

2 overly tired college girls
1 Chris Brown Song
2 Glow Sticks
1 Ikea lamp
= Late night extra amazing dance party

I swear I almost lost it last night. So Deanna and I were overly tired...it being 1 in the morning and all, but we started playing this stupid name that artist song and before I knew it...we were having a dance party! We were both laughing so hard at ourselves!

It just started with a simple game...then we added disco lights (me flipping the switch up and down) and then Deanna added the final component with glow sticks. I don't think that I have had that much fun in a long time. Good times:)

p.s. yes we are total dorks and we love it!!!

I was here...

2008-12-14T16:42:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks i have been in a kind of funk. Not one of those all out depressed moods, but one of those periods of life filled with a ton of reflection. So I thought I would share.

This semester has been rough. This summer I really worked on trying to figure out who I am and what I love. I was on a roll...trying the things I thought I would never try and crossing things off my bucket list constantly. But then the thing I was scared about most happened. I came back to school and things kinda stayed the same. I got back into routine
...school...work...RA...friends...marathon training... trying to breath in the middle of all of it. But something started happening.

I started loosing days to my busy schedule. I became that go-to-girl again. While at the same time freaking out because I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. That is such crap!

Something really hit me the other day as I talked with Ken. I told him about some of my struggles and he told me that I was too focused on the big picture. I was allowing the thought of the future to stop me from embracing my present. It was the small things that would dictate the rest of my life and I was forgetting to relish those small moments. How are we supposed to know what God has put on our hearts if we are so worried about finding the big picture now.

I know that God put certain hidden things in my heart, that I will progressively see glimpses of a little at a time...but I was letting life stop that discovery.

I guess at the same time, I had to go through this period to realize what I don't like. To realize that I am letting the last year of college slip by. That I can use my weekends and time off to really search and find out what little things are tucked back in my heart. And begin to say "No" to certain things so that I have the chance to really love what i spend my time doing.

I was listening to this song called "I was here..." by Lady Antebellum and it was amazing. It is talking about all the different passions people have and how they have left their mark. I want to do something that matters and that at the end of it all (if that is tomorrow...or 60 years from now) that i spent my last breath being passionate. I want to not just float by, but create magic. I want to spend my days loving people and finding out their story. I want to reach my handout and help someone up when they are down. I want to be the encouragement to that person when they have no one else supporting them.

So, as I have one last week of school before break. I am going to use this opportunity to do something amazing this week. I am going to do something on my bucket list. Do i know what it is yet... not exactly...but it will come to me.

Be inspired today. Figure out one little thing that you love today and do it! For there is a reason that God placed it on your heart and if you chose to follow it...maybe just maybe you will find your future.

Once in a blog mood...always in a blog mood.

2008-10-25T22:33:00.001-07:00

Look at my past few blog moments... once i start... i just can't seem to stop.

North Carolina.

Sometimes i wonder if i am just running away.

But from what?

Sometimes I wonder if i can actually do it.

Sometimes I wonder what will happen if i don't.

Sometimes I am so homesick for a place i have never been.

Sometimes I am scared i will hate it.

Sometimes I wish i was moving tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish it was never coming.

Sometimes I see the house, the neighbors, the kids in the front yard.

Sometimes I already miss my parents.

Sometimes I want seasons.

Sometimes I can't believe that i am almost at that point in life.

Sometimes I want to push it away.

Sometimes I want to put my roomie in a suitcase and keep her with me forever.

Sometimes I am scared out of my mind and yet so ready.

Sometimes I wish i had any idea as to what life will end up being like.

Sometimes I want to taste every second and others i wish to speed up.

Sometimes I search the internet for hours... for potential aptments, jobs, ideas.

Sometimes I can't think about it.

Sometimes I put on the strong and confident face.

And Sometimes I just want to cry.

Secrets

2008-10-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

So tonight i was introduced to such an amazing thing... postsecrets. Um... wow that is basically what i have to say. I sat at Barnes and Nobles with Deanna for a few hours just reading the raw secrets that people had been hiding deep inside for so long. It was so facinating to me the wide array of secrets that people tend to keep hidden.

But what struck me so much was the masks that we all wear. The fact that we have ONE life and ONE opportunity make the most out of life and yet we let little things stop us. People are so ashamed of their mistakes that they hurt and hinder the rest of their lives. But how often does that happen to me as well? The mistakes and guilt that I carry around because i can't admit that i am scared out of my brains and have screwed up right along side them?

My questions is... if we all took a post-it and wrote down our secrets and read them aloud, would we finally see that we are all hurting and are wounded, that we all are just trying to be something in the world and that we truly need each other.

Some of the postcards almost tore my heart out, not because they were so out there...but because i have felt many of them before. But... noone knows, because noone can let those secrets out. Sad day.

11:36

2008-09-17T23:31:00.001-07:00

So tonight was a bunch of nothing and yet amazing at the same time. My roommate is an amazing influence on my life. She makes me want to get all my crap done so we can race around campus doing basically nothing.... but everything at the same time. Wednesday Starbucks tradition night is amazing. Why do we go? No one knows and most likely no one will ever know. Hum... It gives us a reason to hang and chill and not think of anything important for a while.

So tonight i was hanging out with 5 guys and we basically sat around talking about nothing in particular. I felt like I was with my brothers and it felt so at home. Sometimes I look back and wonder why i was such a toyboy, but then tonight I remember why. It is not drama... it is just relaxed and calm. It is hilarious and natural. People just chill and let life be what it is. It was so dang refreshing.

This blog is not at all expressing what I feel is tucked back... but hey I am kinda tired and random tonight (it must be the amazing Starbucks water going to my head!) So maybe at a later date I can be real. I mean... this is part of it, but right now I'm just not in the mood.

Breakthrough

2008-06-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am cookie cutter, i am the all A's, always follow the rules kinda girl. I act like i take risks, but i always stay within the lines. I pose as a bold person but really i am weak. I put the smile on my face and am left empty on the inside. I have the worst fake phone voice!

Tonight I got angry. I do not allow myself to get angry and I got angry. The only bad part was that I acted as though nothing was wrong. I was actually really angry. This emotion was almost foreign to me because I do not allow myself to have this emotion often. So when I released a little bit of frustration outwardly I almost couldn't handle it. I had to walk away and it sucked. I mean... why couldn't i just stand up for myself and tell the entire room what I was feeling?

Right now I am still boiling, but not because I am angry with the situation anymore, but because I am mad at myself for having that emotion. It is my right to be frustrated and yet I can't allow myself to be okay with this.

Now to most of you, you are unaware of the fact that I have been on this personal journey for the summer that is very scary for me. I am reshaping and redefining who i am and who I wanna be. For years I have posed and acted...and now that I see little glimpses of that I hate it.

I do not have it all together! I do not even have half of it together. I am not in my own skin, but in the skin that I think everyone else wants to see. How could i have lived pretty much the last 10 or so years for others? I mean honestly... why have I allowed my definition to be what I think others would like to see?

I am exhausted and done. I am an emotional basket case and am okay with that. I am on this journey to tear down the walls, but since the walls have been so high for so long... it is not going to be a bulldozer that knocks them down, but one single man taking the bricks down one by one.

I think that the scariest part of this whole thing is that I try to look at the entire picture way too often and get super overwhelmed. I do not know who I am anymore and do not even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. (Do not worry..i am not suicidal...just lost).

My map has been completly re-routed and my destination has been redesigned. This is hard stuff and I can't begin to put them into words... but I want to. I want to feel that I am not on this journey alone, but with others. I am scared and tired.

As I was walking down the avenue tonight I realized that I do not feel beautiful. I do not hold my head up and my shoulders back. I do not look at men in the faces and I am not confident. I feel fat about 90 percent of the time and for some gosh dang reason feel that my body is the only reason why someone would feel attracted to me. What the heck? I want to be accepted, but feel denied a lot. I always say yes... and try to never let people down. But do you know what that has gotten me? This crappy feeling... I have hung myself out to dry and I have runaway from who I really am.

But do you know what? I am taking steps. At this very moment I am not sitting in a room with people that are visiting us. I "should" be up there listening to them banter on and make small talk, but I am not into it. I do not want to socialize, I am not in the mood. I am sick of always feeling obligated and doing the "right" thing. It is like this ticking time bomb that is waiting to go off, because i do not do this. I am the nice little hostess that has her life plan already planned out and have all the pieces lined up. BUT I DO NOT.

I am just as lost as every other 21 year old out there. I am freaked out of the future and where life will take me. But I am just trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

Honestly... i think that this is the first time I am glimpsing into who i appear to be and am not satisfied. I do not want to run away from who I really am, but I also do not like who i come across to be. You know... I am deep. I love heart to heart talks and I love sharing in struggles. I want to be the type of person who someone can relate to and who knows will be there at the drop of a hat. I think that looking back at what my friends now first thought of me... it almost kills me. They didn't like me and had the completly wrong idea of who I was. I do not want to appear like that. I do not want to be walking on egg shells but I wanna live a little and not seem so dang perfect and cool all the time. I am not cool and collected all the time!

I am scared that I keep running people off and that it is because I am posing. I am ungrateful a lot of the time when I should be thankful and I talk behind people's backs when I should not. l have cheated before and I am imperfect. I am who I am and want to be honest.

I am not untouchable and do not live in a castle high above everyone else. I want to live a life of joy within my own skin. I want to find who God created me to be, not who I have become because this is not good. I am stressed out 90 percent of the time and most of the decisions I make are to please another person. Where is the stinkin balance? There is none.

Now... usually I would end this note with a positive upbeat little phrase about how great everything is and that life is peachy. That I am going to be thankful and pleased and celebrate today... but right now I just don't feel like that. I am in a bad mood and am feeling like complete crap. So... off to life i go. Maybe just maybe I am on my way to figuring out who i really am. (though I sound kinda dark at this point... the man just pulled off another brick).

SAY

2008-06-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

So... I am listening to this song by John Mayer and it really is my song of the moment.

This week has been one brutal week. I got this sweet set up job... nannying two boys (2 and 4) and would get paid bank. Basically all my financial worries would be taken care of for this next school year and I was ready. It was going to be great. I show the first day and realize that something was seriously wrong. Every image of what I thought it was going to be like was thrown out the window... basically this dream job came tumbling down.

The kids are totally undisciplined, the mom is a tade bit crazy...and no money is worth the feeling deep down that this is just not good. As most of you know I am a very loyal person. If i say that I am going to do something, I do it and I try to do it great. So.... the first two days I was caught in this spiders web of wanting to quit but staying loyal. Now, of course this was the first couple of days.... but I felt like I was suffocating. I would sit at the table with the little boy and honestly feel like I couldn't breath. It was this overwhelming feeling. I have never really felt spiritual warfar before... but I am pretty positive this was satan attacking the heck out of me!

I called my dad bawling... now when was the last time i did that? I am pretty confident in my ability to watch kids, but this feeling was unlike anything I have ever felt in my entire life!

So... i started praying and after a lot of tears.... I am gonna say what I need to say. No money is worth the feeling deep down that this is not right. I am going to quit something! I AM GONNA QUIT SOMETHING. It has never felt so good to say that. I am taking care of myself and listening to Gods still small voice.

So today as I go to my last 2 day of work, i am going to put that smile on and then i am high tailing it out of there. I am going to work my butt off... and then tomorrow when I get off... I am going to SAY what I need to say... even if my hands are shaking... and my faith is slightly broken... I am gonna say what I need to say.

I know that God puts little things like this in our lives to help us rely totally and completly on Him. and even without a new job lined up, I am going to trust that the feelings He put on my heart are true and real. WOW... it sucks being an adult at times.

This week has been powerful and emotionally, but really honestly the biggest leap that I have taken in a LONG LONG time... i am taking care of myself!

Through my Dog's Eyes

2008-05-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

It is a little brisk but almost a perfect summer evening on the deck... just me and my dogs. I just got to thinking... what is life like through a dog's eyes?

One is old and yellow.... with a white nose and worn face he is well past 12 years old. The other just getting started at 9. Sparky can barly sit down while Terrell could play ball everyday of the week. Today i was just watching Sparky realizing that his life is about to the end and it got me to thinking.

Life must be so interesting from a dogs perspective. One day we are picking them out as little kids so excited to have them at home and the next we are way to busy for them. They just sit and wait for us to come and play... but so often we don't. We leave them to lay in the sun or fetch their own ball. Sad day.

I guess that this week I have really been thinking a lot about life. I have spent a lot of time with my grandma lately who is on the older side. She has had a lot of health problems and needs to be watched constantly. I thought about it the other day and wondered what it must be like for her. Ever since she left home at 18, she has been able to basically take care of herself. Of course she got married and had children, but she has been responsible for herself. It breaks my heart to think that now she needs someone to be with her 90 percent of the time. It is hard for her to get out of her chair and a struggle for her to go without a nap every few hours. I wonder how hard that is for her.

I guess that it makes me want to stay healthy and young as long as possible, not because I don't want to go through the stages of life, but because of how dependent she has become once again.

Sometimes I feel like people tell me that I am too crazy with all these dreams and things I want to try... but having this picture of getting older has shown me how short life really is. I know that my grandma has had so many amazing moments, but it makes me want to spread my wings more now than ever! I want to taste the mango in Africa and walk the grass of Ireland. I want to talk with Canadians and eat rice in Japan. I want to get up off my rear and try the things that seem so distant but are on my heart. Life is so short!

So next week when we put my adorable old dog down, I am going to remember the little moments. The moments when we would put him in my wagon on the back of the riding lawn mower for hours. I will remember the way he would chase his tail around and around. Though we often times left him, He was always there... waiting and hoping we would come back to him.

I want to be that good to people. I want to hold no grudges and play no favorites. I want to listen with open ears and hold back my anger. I want to play just for the heck of it and lay out in the sun because I want to. I want to have a family and live life to the fullest!

I know that this was a kinda funny parrallel. But I guess that I have just had the idea of death on my mind for a day or two and realized that life is going to go way too fast. I want to enjoy all the little moments and play ball with my dogs more!

Back Home Again

2008-05-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

Dang I am in a weird space right now. I feel really energized and ready for an amazing summer, but kinda have no direction yet. As of today, I have a weekly babysitting job and nothing else. Now, I have not begun my full blown search since my friend Jess is hanging out in town for another day... but I am excited for the new search.

I cannot believe that I am a senior in college. That is out of control. It is so funny, because I don't know but one day i just woke up and realized i had to be a big kid now. I read this Total Money Makeover book by Dave Ramsey in like 5 days and loved it. I know want to set up an entire budget, figure out how to save as much money as I can this summer and start paying off my car. I am so jazzed that this summer I am going to be able to start making habits that could change the course of the rest of my life. I know that God gives us money, but I tend to spend it in all the wrong ways. I do not need half the crap I buy... but realizing how much I spend is the first big key. We shall see... i wanna get this budget thing down for sure!

I have a lot of goals for this summer...

1. Interview My Grandma
2. Take some Salsa Lessons
3. Build back up to 8 miles
4. Get 5 top-notch informational interviews
5. Laugh a lot!
6. Learn how to budget
7. Learn a few meals to cook
8. Read 10 Books

I think that this summer is going to be weird living at home. It is going to be interesting just learning to be a servant instead of so selfish. I think that I am going to miss my roomate like crazy. I want to soak up this last summer and not allow the days to slip by like they always do. I would love to meet some new faces and make some new friends. I want to dream and think of possibilities that could help me in the future. I want to have a positive attitude and listen for where God is taking me. AHHHHH... i can't believe it is already summer again.

hmmmm....

2008-03-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

These last couple of days have been very interesting to say the least. I feel that at times I am overly controlling. Like I want everything to turn out just perfect in my perfect little timing with my perfect image of the future. IF i just set up the right interviews, drive the right roads, and have everything planned out then I will be fine.

YEAH RIGHT... we all know that God has such a sense of humor. He finds it so funny to just take those big plans that we think are perfect and twist them around until they look nothing like what we thought they would.

Obviously this weekend went nothing like I thought it would. Not that it was bad, but it was very different and difficult for me. I don't like to be unprepared and that is where I am. I wanted to step off the plane... land a job, find a home for the summer, and think this place is perfect. Well fat chance to that!!!

I didn't find a job, the house thing fell through, and everything is brown haha (yeah... winter kinda sucks). But ya know... this weekend has been amazing because I began to realize that the plans I have for myself are usually always that plans that God has for me. So... being at ground zero, I realize that I am okay. I am having to trust that God is going to open doors and put my feet where they are supposed to go.

Now.. I had this great conversation with Kevin today about what I am going to do now that I have no set plans. A lot of people in my situation with walk home with their head down and just go back to life. BUT UM... come on now... you all know me better than that.

I am moving to Nashville this summer!!! I want to experience getting through the rough days and not give up. I don't want to live in California this summer... so Nashville here I come. I may hate it, which is highly unlikely since the people here are amazing. I just need to relax and prepare to pray a lot.

Good times. I know that I am going to read this next year and laugh. But... these last few days I have learned how to navigate around a crazy town... make a really great smoothie * now coined the name Shyberry!!! and have just really fallen in love with the great people around here. So... tonight as i lay my head down.... i realize that I have no idea what the future holds, but hey where is the fun in having everything planned???

First Night in Nashville

2008-03-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

It was white and bigger than I imagined (it was my PT Cruiser) I threw my bags in and just squealed. I held onto the new car smell as if it were going to leave me in mere seconds. For a whole minute i just sat and took in the feeling of udder freedom. I am a big girl now was all I could think of. I had just rented my first car in a city I was super unfamiliar with and was ready to begin my new journey. I had my directions and off I went. Let me tell you... the road/highways/driving is so different here. I had to navigate and it was amazing. All worries that had been there before now escaped me.

As I got closer to Brentwood I realized that I wasn't in California as I know California anymore. The houses are HUGE and there are actually trees...green... and what they call the suburbs include a large distance in between homes!!!

I pulled up to the Banks house and was completely calm. As many of you know, I have been friends with Kevin for a while, but have not seen him in over a year and a half. I was nervous to see him, but from the second we saw each other it was like it had always been. All my nerves were calm and it was almost like a little piece of home. His house is so huge!!!!

I realized really quick that If I ever live in Nashville... I have to have a smaller house than this. It is so huge that I felt like I was being swallowed up! His basement that he shares with his brother is the size of half my house. HA.

But... on to the good stuff. So we went to this roller skating rink last night to meet up with some of his friends for a birthday party. I met some really nice people who all made me feel super welcome. But there was this guy...

Okay... before you go off thinking that I have met my soul mate... slow down! Ha. I was hanging out feeling slightly awkward with Kev flirting with this other girl (go for it bud... but you left me in the dust)... so I was just watching the roller skaters trying to remember the last time i had been at a rink (def. 6th grade b-day party) and this guy Adam comes over and just stands by me. Now... kinda weird at first... I basically didn't know what to do with myself... but he was so nice.

His story was crazy. He is from South Africa (I found out that South Africa is actually a country within Southern Africa...felt slightly dumb). His parents moved to South Africa before he was born to be missionary's and he just came back 3 years ago to go to College. We talked for like an hour about his passions and how his heart is to go and work with the political aspects and AIDS side of his country. He asked me about why I was in Nashville and it was just a great conversation. I found out that South Africa is huge and 1 in 4 people have AIDS. That is so crazy.

I guess that what I learned from this experience is that sometimes I completely shut off when I am around guys... like I want to wear this bulls-eye that says i am not interested, but this was great. I will most likely never talk to this guy again, but it was such a unique conversation. Without even really knowing each other we just talked about life...college...and our passions. It was really encouraging to meet a guy that was less interested in what I looked like or what i did for fun on Friday nights and more how God was using me and what I wanted out of life. It was so cool!

This morning I woke up and had breakfast with the Banks family. Talk about a different lifestyle. It was really cool just to get to hangout with a different family and bounce ideas off.

So... tonight I have dinner with the family I hope to live with! I am super excited about that.

I forgot to tell you that I met these two ladies on the plane. They were asking me about why i was coming to Nashville and after I told them, they were like oh my gosh we have the perfect women for you to meet. She is trying to start this charity thing and she would love you! I am going to e-mail them and who knows... at this point I have such faith that God is going to put me where I am supposed to be. It is the feeling of udder hope and faith. I am not scared or worried, but just excited for the opportunity to try something new!!!!

WELL.. I am off to church:) - me

Dang... Here goes!

2008-03-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting in an Arizona airport on my way to Nashville. Can you believe that I am about to do this? This whole week I have been denying the fact that I am actually doing this, because many times when you want something to get here faster... it takes forever to get her.

But Here I am. When I walk off the plane.. I am ready to take off. I get to rent a car for the first time, try and get a full time summer job (outside of being a nanny), and try and find a place to live! WOO HOO. I am excited because I feel that so many of the lessons i am learning now, I will be able to use in the future. God has been teaching me so much about working with different people and being a leader in a new situation.

Well.. I gotta run. But if you have the time... pray for me! I am excited but really want to listen for God to take me where I am supposed to go:)

- Gotta get on the plane! - Have a great Spring Break:) - shy

I feel like I'm losing them one by one...

2008-03-04T22:38:00.001-08:00

Wow... i honestly feel like i am losing them one by one! It is if they walk in the door for one moment, we share some great times, and then out the door they go. These moments are when i laugh so hard I pee my pants and cry so hard my makeup smears. College is hard.

I have made some amazing friends in the last 2 1/2 years of living down here. I have laughed and cried, studied my butt off, sang at the top of my lungs, passed out of exhaustion, and prayed for more time. But honestly, right now life kinda sucks. Tonight, something dawned on me. The college life is so insecure I have no idea why anyone would want to work here. People come and go so quick and everything is so unstable. What the heck. Each semester brings me one step closer to reality and i feel like i can barely breath.

Tonight I really wanted my mom to cry to. As I shut the door, i realized that life was not nor will ever be the same as it was. People are moving on and out. They are going on with their big plans and i need to realize that. But it is hard to imagine letting go again. I mean, i remember leaving high school thinking that my world had come to an end... and it hadn't. But this is different. These girls have my heart. I am a relational person who loves people and hates letting go.

I am scared to go to Nashville. I am scared to possibly find a new home far far away. But there i go jumping ahead again. Like my dad said tonight "they are dreaming big and so are you." I guess that some of my soul sisters are leaving me and I just really want to curl up into a little ball and weep. Honestly, how can i let them go? Jess, my tall deep friend. Her friendship means the world to me and i can't imagine preparing to let her slip. Elena... we are just new friends and i feel like i am so excited for her future but dang... why can't she be a junior??? come on really? But most of all my third PEA. Where have you gone my friend? Life is busy but I miss you like never before. I miss our laughs and chats and real life worries. I miss us! I am scared for the future and the distance. I hope we can soak up all the today's instead of worrying over the tomorrows.

So... here's to TODAY. I am going to stop whining over all the worries and concerns and realize that God has everything in the palm of His hand. That i can just really breath deeply and cling to what I have in the here and now. May I have joy and peace and never ever forget how lucky and blessed I am!

Me Right Now...

2008-02-19T22:56:00.000-08:00

Mat Kearney and my bed... a great combo! I am 21 and in a very interesting twisted and complex point in life. I am in this slightly junioriotis slash little kid mood... where so many parts of me are wanting to be grown up and out of this stage while the other part of me is clinging to stay here forever.

Today I was invited to be a part of Alpha Chi, which is that National Honors Society for my school, meaning...I am in the top 10 percential for my class. Now... um.. to think back to high school when i didn't understand anything and was wondering how the heck i was going to make it in college.. i never saw this day coming. It felt really good to be sitting in the little room with just a few others realizing that I am more than i thought i could be.

I am kind of scared to move to Nashville honestly. I have never not been a nanny and that scares the crap out of me! A new job, a new town, and a whole new experience. I feel that many times I have this bold face... but come on now... people I get scared too! I miss my family so much at times I could curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep. I miss the five of us traveling around the world.. the simplier times. I miss flying down the freeway with the boys rocking out to Papa Roach and Linkin Park.. or WELCOME TO ATLANTA.

I guess that at times i fear that I am so closed off that I am unwilling to let anyone in. I guess that i have been single for so long that the idea of have that other person in my life is so foreign i cannot imagine the feeling. Maybe this is my way of controlling things, but i guess i feel almost immune to the single feeling. Seeing people with their significant others doesn't register anything with me anymore.. it is just another day in life. The thing is that i realize that I am only 21 years and I have so many years ahead of me... but i am just trying to learn how to be confident, solid, and ALL ME.

I love country music, leadership books, and new music. I can't handle just sitting around (I get bored!!!) I am a go-getter, suck-up, over achiever and i love it. I am single and on most days.. i am okay with that. I totally procrastinate on almost everything and then i totally stress (WHY.. i often ask myself). I like when people like me and i am trying to work on not caring as much. I am a relationship person who is in between intro and extrovert.

I am struggling with my faith right now. I am struggling in trying to wash out all the words of every other stinkin person out there and just hear God through all the crap. I am struggling in finding what is real and what is not. I am struggling in trying to measure up to this unattainable goal that i feel the Christan world sets up. I am struggling in hearing through all the noise. It is night time and yet i still hear noise. I wish that i would really understand when God says that He is not that complicated, but everything else in my life is complicated ... so how can HE be so easy?

I just finished this book called "Deadly Viper: Character Assasins" which was all about character and Integrity. I LOVED IT!!! and the hard part is that i didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I feel that my heart is so often in a different place (not that they don't have these qualities... but sometimes I am just thinking about crazy things that sound so ridiculous people just laugh). I want to soak up so much knowledge, but not in the so called important things like historical people or things.. but knowledge in treating people with the upmost respect, learning stories, and running a company successfully. Now, I have no idea if i will ever own my own company, but who knows right?

I am a sucker for instruments lately. Chris Botti and the trupet, the paino, the sax, Andrea Bocelli... Josh Groban. Sometimes it just makes me smile to bake something while listening to something so RELAXING.

I really like my roomate a lot! I think that we are different but so similar at the same time. God has blessed my socks off with her. We have been talking a lot about our struggles, excitments, and fears in the last couple of weeks... it is has been slightly terrifying, but amazing at the same time. I am excited to see where she ends up. I just know that she is going to be successful in any area that she ends up in. I feel that we will both be single for a while, but are also not letting that stop us. We are go getters and really passionate about seeing all the colors of the world.

Ya know, i am so spoiled. Sometimes i look around and say.. seriously? Am i living this life or is this all a dream? Yeah, i have worked hard.... but God has blessed me so much. I have heard of the idea of a heaven and hell on Earth and sometimes, I feel like my Heaven is just so amazing on Earth. Thank you God for all that you do for me every single day. If life is even a tiny glimpse of heaven.. I am so excited.

Tomorrow is the kick-off of our new college group Generate! It is going to be amazing. Thus far since our launch in November we have around 240 people coming each week and tomorrow is only going to get better! I am so jazzed to see how God uses Crossroads in the next few years. I am so excited but kind of sad that I won't be here this summer. Well... there i go again thinking too far into the future. I need to just be here... all here! Live life... taste the colors.. even enjoy the rain of which is very hard for me. Smile and say hi to even those who don't appear to like me. Not take life so seriously and laugh more. Stop writing so many to do lists and more to love and try lists.

Well... now.... that i have just rambled and gotten some heart stuff out, i had better go to sleep!

TATA for now:)

Things I want to do before I die...

2008-02-15T22:50:00.001-08:00

Here are a few things i would love to get to do before i die...
Ride in a hot air balloon, see a live taping of a tv show, sit down and have a conversation with bono about loving the world, drive a range rover, roam the hills of Ireland, and have coffee with a old couple in Italy. Jump off a pier in Greece, see an Egyptian Pyramid, see the Iguazu Falls, work for a non-profit organization. Meet Rob Bell, see Niagra Falls, help build a water well in Africa. Run a marathon, see Celion Dion in concert, go to a Oprah taping. Help make a wish come true with Make A Wish Foundation, work in the business world, volunteer. I would love to learn how to put on really big events and take another art class. Hold a monkey and have my first valentine. Live in a country house with a big porch and lots of land. Live somewhere that is green, quiet, and has lots of trees. Help fundraise for playpump International. Get married and have kids. See a movie in the park like in the Wedding Planner, ice skate in New York City, see the ball drop from Downtown NYC. See a USC Football game and go to a professional football game. Take a tour of the White House and visit Jerusalem. Take a ferry to Orcas Island again.

My heart is about to burst

2008-02-04T18:56:00.001-08:00

Okay, so... here is the story. I am planning on moving to Nashville, TN this summer to experience all the sites and sounds of the city. Now, this is all exciting except for one minor detail.... i forgot to mention i am not going to be a nanny.... thus leaving me with no home, no job, and no guarantee of a amount of money earned over the summer! Dang... exciting (ha... more like CRAZY right?) I guess that i have been on cloud 9 for the past couple of weeks, but now reality is beginning to set in.

I was making my plans to visit during Springbreak which is in March and reality began to settle in on my heart. DANG... so crazy. I guess that the actual scary part is that i have a friend who lives outside of Nashville, who i am planning on staying with for a couple of days on this trip. Now, this is a complicated situation because i hate relying on someone. I hate having to borrow a car, eat someones food, and pretty much mooch. Thus leaving me with only one option... figuring out how to handle the situation.

I know that most people would say that i have a long time until summer... but come on people it is only a couple of months away. So... right now, I am trying to calm down and trust that God has this all figured out. If i am supposed to live in Nashville for the summer, i will be put in the right house, get the right job, and learn a lot.

I am sick of hearing all about wanting to get married and settle down... come on ladies, this is our chance to get out there. Though there are the scary days when i want to just sit down and cry because i have no idea where life will take me... it is exhilerating at the same time. I hate bragging about myself and that is what i have to do to get a job, i hate mooching and that is what i have to do, i hate depending on other people and that is what i am about to do!

But i am learning and growing... i have days where i am so confident and other days when i am so doubtful. This is just another one of those days that i am like "what the crap am i doing?" ha. I will get through this and at the end of the tunnel, i will look back and be thankful that God always makes me trust Him. AHHHHHHH......................

Oh... dang... that phone call was tough!

2008-01-11T18:39:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a phone conversation that wipped you out? That left you almost in the gutter? Yep... just had one of those! There is a certain person in my life that has been going though this rocky journey and i have tried to support, but screwed up royally.

I feel that i am at this point in my life where i am kinda lost. It is the point when you begin to realize that you are not a child anymore and have to face the harshness of life. When your parents are not always right and your views begin to change. It is the moment when you begin to see that you are a big mouth and can't afford to be anymore. The moments when you look around and say.. "dang, i am all grown up and have no idea where to go!" This world is so big and i guess that i am realizing that i cannot please everyone.

I may be in a relationship one day that not everyone agrees with or choose a profession that not everyone thinks i should have. I may move or not move, i may go to church or not, i may agree or disagree.... but ya know my life is not revolved around trying to agree or impress or be someone that i am not.

hmmm... interesting... today i told the person what i thought and walked away. Who knows what the future holds, but we shall see i guess!

Just Dreamin

2007-12-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

The idea of having a tiny little apartment with that homey feel in Nashville, TN is in my dreams right now. The Midwest/South with all its funny accents and new way of life is so appealing to this non-traffic So Cal girl... i want out. HA:) The patience that i must have at this point is almost killing me, but i know that it is all about the journey. The idea of moving out on my own, i mean my real own is CRAZY. The idea of moving cross country sounds so fun!

As i was driving through my town today, i realized that sometimes it takes years to get to certain points in our lives. We have to realize that our parents are only a plane ride away and there are always new journey's to be started. For the first time in my life i am beginning to have no idea what i want to do or where i will go. Leaving the teaching behind, i am silent. It is as though i had my way planned and then God was like um.. yeah about that! Isn't His sense of humor kinda funny at times!

I just at times can't believe that i am already a junior in college almost ready to start real life. Now i know that i don't want it to begin quite yet, i love my life. I love my friends and the life we live, but there are days when i am ready to be done. I am ready to get a real job and follow my passion! It is amazing watching my friends start to discover their hearts... Brazil, the south, wedding planning, marriage, nursing, teaching, and so many others!

I know that i am going to look back and wish that life had been slower, but i am itchy. I am so excited to see what the future holds and am just trying to soak up every moment!!!!

Are you kidding me?

2007-12-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

This has to be a joke... as i sat and stared at the statement in front of me i was stunned? Almost a thousand dollars less? How could this be? I swear that i had the numbers right, i had been saving for months and have been stressing... but now as i sat in front of my screen i got goosebumps. Could this be true? God is so good... He hears the cry of my heart and teaches and disciplines me in a way that leaves me breathless.

Are you kidding me???

This semester has been wonderful! As it comes to a close and everyone begins to pack up for a long holiday, i am ready to curl up with a great book and enjoy a little breathing time! I am excited to spend 7 days with my family just the 5 of us... just being the Boyte's!!!! What excitement. I am so excited about going to Arkansas and visiting family... riding a horse...seeing cousins i haven't seen in 3 years!!!! So much time has passed...amazing!

There have been some great times and some not so great times, but i have learned so much and seen how each day brings something new. For so long i have been praying for a college group and just this last week God put a new one in my life. Amanda D and i have been the greeters for the last 2 weeks at Crossroads Live the college and career group and it is amazing!!! I love it.. the atmosphere is authentic and real... and so great. I am so excited to see where God will take us this next semester and can only pray that each day i can wake up with the excitement that He calls me to!! - tata for now!

My Sweet Spot

2007-11-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

Writers block is what they call this! It is that moment when your head is so filled with random stuff that you don't even know where to begin.

My dad always made me wait. He made me wait to get my ears pierced, made me wait to get a cell phone, made me wait to ride in a limo. At the moment i didn't understand and would complain that everyone else got it first... but now i see. He wants me to experience life a little at a time. Last night i was thinking about my singleness. I kind of feel like right now i am looking around at everyone else wanting to have someone like them, but right now just isn't my time. One day my time will come and the taste will be so sweet to my lips. It is just not my time right now, because i need to focus on the now... and where God has me.

But the incredible part of this journey has been finding myself in my own skin this year. I had the guts to tell the guy that i liked... that i liked him, expecting nothing in return. And the peace that was found in that was incredible. We are JUST friends and at this point i am so glad that God shut that door right now. I thank God for the journey He has me on... giving me the courage to say what is on my heart and then walking away.

Now to the sweet spot... I am working on a project called "SWIPE TO SAVE" where we are helping raise money for children in displacement camps in Uganda. We are trying to get the student body to give up one meal to help donate a percentage of the money to the cause. It is so exciting and i love it. I could spend all night talking about it and am so jazzed to begin the process of getting people involved. I was reading in this book this morning that was talking about how when you are in your sweet spot, you may get tired... but you are so passionate about what you are doing... the time flies by. I love doing the little things and being a behind the scene worker. AMAZING!!!!! I am so excited to see where this week takes us!

So... as this week may get crazy with the numerous papers i have to write and 5 birthdays.... haha... it is going to GREAT!!!!! I am loving life - shy:)

I need you to love me...

2007-10-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

Okay... so the question is .... when i say "I love you" am i being real? Or am i always holding something back? Do I love Him enough to give everything else away and stand bare in front of Him? It is so easy to say that i would sacrafice everything... but when i really think about it... am i being honest with myself?

I need You to Love me! Stop this pretending that i can't somehow deserve what i already have.

I feel so often i am acting as though i am giving God everything... but i am not! I am not giving Him anything actually. I am giving Him the pieces but not the whole thing. When am i going to be ready to give the entire thing? And i am pretty sure that He is not going to put distractions in my life until i am ready to sacrafice everything.

It is so hard for me to articulate what i am feeling... and this sucks. Basically i hate falling for a guy who isn't interested. He comes across as interested and then boom... never mind. Something happens and that is over.

Am I really looking for a relationship or just trying to fill a void? This world is so much bigger than CBU. I think i dropped everything at the first signs... but God please fill this gap that is tearing my heart apart. It is this feeling of never being good enough. AHHHH.....

Is this what IT feels like?

2007-10-09T23:01:00.001-07:00

So at this point, my life is confusing. Well, basically not... i like a guy and tonight pretty much confirmed that he likes me back. Really?

Sitting around the dinner table tonight talking with all my girlfriends i laughed so hard and smiled so much that my heart could have busted. I realized that we have all been saving ourselves for so long that it is crazy to think that something could be here finally. I know... you are prob. like WOOOO girl slow down, but i just mean.... i feel like i like a guy that stands by all the good things, wants to do something great with his life, and Loves GOD! This is just such a weird place to be, because i see things progressing slowly, but fast at the same time. I love hanging out with him, but also love the fact that he gets along with all my friends too:)

I feel like a 16 year old again... getting the butterflies when he walks up and hate when he leaves. I look forward to the next time i get to see him and am JEALOUS... come on now.. i know i am not supposed to get Jealous... but it is soooo hard not to be. But each time that a little bit of me doubts things... God gives me a little sign to shut up and trust Him. Even if nothing is supposed to happen, He knows my heart and longs to have me fully trust Him.

Lord- I know that you are at the center of everything and Lord as you have me on a new journey i pray that you will help me stay focused. Lord, thank you for the continuous blessings and lessons you are teaching me each day. Lord- Please be with my relationships with my Peas. You know how thick our bond is and i pray that in this time our relationship would only strengthen. Please... Lord - that You would be with this boy. Be His Center and Rock. That any relationship that is formed may be planted on a solid foundation. Lord- please grab our attention and let us always follow you in anything and everything that is to take place. Lord- I thank you for another day to live.. thank you for the sunshine today and the laughter with great friends. You have so richly blessed me so much i don't even have words. May i use everyday for You Lord - Love you, your daughter shy:)

So Complicated!

2007-10-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

It is untamed, crazy, and unpredictable. It has a life of its own that i am unable to keep control over and that drives me crazy. I am impatient and want to stay in my little comfortable box. Yes, i am talking about my hair this week, but as i sat down thinking about what i would write about... it dawned on me that my hair is much like my life at this point. I like a boy. And the amazing thing is that i have crazy hair this week and yet that is okay. Now, most girls you talk to would say that they would want to impress the heck out of that one guy. But, my hair is crazy and yet i am not stressing. Now, to most this idea would seem dumb and surfacy. But i think it shows strides.

For years i have looked at the mirror trying to find the little imperfections that i could so called "Fix" to become who i am supposed to be to impress that special someone. but not anymore.

He makes me smile for all these crazy reasons. He drives me crazy cause he is in control. The ball is in his court and i have to wait for the pass. Yet as he showed up at my house last week, i stood in my crazy untamed curly hair... it didn't even phase me, because he has seen me over the last little while, that he knows me for me and not who i want to look like or think i should look like. Straight hair is my box and curly hair is not.

This week i left my straightener with my parents and it was almost like leaving a part of me behind. I realized how much i rely on trying to look good to please those around me, but this is me. The crazy curly haired girl who is loud...passionate....loves to travel.... loves having heart to heart talks with her roomie....loves muffins....and finally feels secure in her looks.

I don't know where this "whatever it may be" will go, but i have to wait. Last week in Relevant (bible study on Wed. nights), Chris was talking about waiting and praying. WAITING. Realizing that things are not always going to happen now, but something ahead is so much more than we could ever imagine. Today, as i pushed Jackson and Hannah in the stroller, I began to pray that God would strip my heart of the need for things to happen NOW. Though the world at CBU consists of RING BY SPRING ladies... i am so far from there.. but still have the desire for that certain person in my life. Though, i desire to be used and feel that i am scared of the distraction this could be in my life.

I think that there are so many parts of me that are on the fence. Do i like this guy or do i not get distracted? Am i scared that i could never really be loved by a man? Am i insecure because so many times i have put my heart out there only to be smashed. But God, really my prayer tonight is that i could be yours. Let me be serenaded by your voice, touch, and grace. God, your compassion for us is so breathtaking. The little things that you place on my heart Lord, please let me be used and wait on your timing. That i would not doubt you... and your will for my life. Lord - please let me TRUST you in all things and fall at your throne everyday.

WOW... what a week

2007-09-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

Lets see where to begin.. okay...

Saturday night: Rascal Flatts Concert

Sunday night: Nerts

Monday night: RA Meeting that was amazing

Tuesday night: Box seats at the Angels Game

Wednesday night: Karaoke with the UP Boys

Thursday night: A night off:)
Friday night: Joes Crab Shack with Cody and Arcade games

Saturday: Magic Mtn with TWIRP DATES

That equal... SUNDAY = EXHAUSTED!

This last week has been absolutley amazing... but i am wipped out! Everything was so amazing and i am never going to forget so many of these memories.. but might i suggest maybe spreading all this fun out... just a wee bit!

Here are some pictures from all these:)

Arcades for Cody's B-day

Karaoke with the boys

Box Seat at the Angels Game

RASCAL FLATTS 07

WINGS....

2007-09-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

So most of you know that i started really re-thinking what my life was going to be about this last summer.. knowing deep down that teaching just wasn't for me. So, i started praying like crazy. It was really intense, because teaching was comfortable and reliable. Basically, you graduate, get your credentialing, and start teaching. But in don't want that:)

So... for some reason i set up an appointment to see an Academic advisor this last week. Talk about amazing. I walked into the room basically ready for her to tell me that it was too late to back out of my major at this point and that i was going to need to just continue, but she told me the opposite. She told me that what i had taken would directly transfer into a new major and that i would graduate easier with the new major. WHAT?? Can i say GOD is GOOD! So, i am now a communications major ... i am making my ways to work in a corporation or business where i can lead and work with people directly. This just feels so right. I get to start my major classes this next semester and i am so jazzed. Public Relations, Organizational Leadership etc. Come on now... that is why i have loved the book my dad gave me on Starbucks, because it was all about making a great company and learning how to treat people the best.

I think that it is so strange how everything seems to just fit. I know that this major is going to be more difficult for me, because i was so used to being in my bubble, but not anymore. Come on now... how amazing? It was as if i was all of the sudden i was given wings and i began to soar. The cage was unleashed and my little baby wings began to flap. I know that i am going to have to start at the bottom... but i am more excited than ever before in my life. I am passionate and revved for what is to come. I am ready to find out what is out there and how i can start making a difference. Plus i am going to graduate on time without a problem...... GOD IS SO GOOD!

So... there is my story so far! I am so excited that if you talk to me about it... i might just talk your ear off for sometime:) - the new me

Rehab

2007-09-12T18:38:00.001-07:00

So this week i started reading in Joshua. I was fascinated by the words i found so comforting.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

Lord can i have the heart of those who walked across the Jordan River... "Whatever you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go." - Joshua 1:16

I want to have faith like that. I want to believe whole heartidly that my future is in the hands of God and not my own.

She sits and cries

2007-09-12T18:21:00.000-07:00

Her lips were quivering and tears ran down her cheeks. The look of heartbreak was read by those walking by and yet she just cried. It was over and she didn't know how to handle it. No more little looks or tiny kisses. No more normal hello's and hopeful goodbyes. They were over or at least for a while. She just wanted to know that he cared, but didn't know how to talk to him.

Sometimes the days are hard... there are those moments when i wonder and ask God, "why am i alone?" why can i not have that guy... but then i hear the heartbreak and see the tears of my friends and see what God is saving me from. I know that one day i too will understand and i too will go through pain, but for the last 20 years he has saved me. He has left my heart for Him and Him alone, knowing what is and will always be best for me. Sometimes it is hard to not be able to relate or even have the words, but then again... i remember.. that is not why i am here! I am here for a shoulder, an ear, someone to lean on.

It is heartbreaking to try and comfort a friend when you have no idea what they are going through. For an instance i am frustrated and just want to give up... asking myself... is it really worth it? do i have the energy again? But then isn't that what we are here for? to come alongside our friends and comfort them in the sad days. Though i don't understand and hope i don't have to go through the trials just like them, i know one day it will be my turn too... my turn to ask for help and my turn to understand the pain, but right now God is protecting my heart and wants me to be His alone.

So... as i listen to the words of one of my favorite Barlowgirls songs... Porcelain Heart... i understand that only God has the power to heal our broken hearts. We are humans who have no words, no idea the extreme power of everything.

I just pray that in the future i have the opportunity to learn and grow to be more like Christ. A self-sacrificing, completely loving person.

Is this THAT feeling?

2007-09-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

I think that this summer was a great big leap in the right direction for me and life. I think i finally had the guts to listen to my heart and say No. No i do not want to be a teacher, i do not want to live a practical life, where i wake up go to work and go to bed. So i think that by articulating this finally.... i was open the floodgates for my future.

so... my new vision for my life. To help those around me who just need love and support. For so long i have had this dream of working for an organization like "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," directing and leading people to do amazing things for other people. I don't know if that would be with Make A Wish Foundation, Habitat for Humanity, or something else... but i finally feel the strings of my heart being pulled. I am fired up and ready to start the exploration part. It is almost hard having 2 years ahead of me to finish school. Part of me is scared to death for what the future holds, but another part of me wants it now. Of course i do... just like every other person on this planet who wants things their way NOW. But i feel like i am finally excited about my future and where God will take me.

So now onto the heavy stuff.... my mom shocked the life out of me yesterday when we were having a conversation. She told me about one of her friend's daughter who went into the peace corp for 2 years. At first i was like... yeah and... but then my mom started telling me about how this girl's life was transformed and how God had taken her to some many places. She now has had the opportunity to experience and grow while volunteering herself to the needs of those around her. Mom started telling me that this girl hadn't dated in high school or college and had often been disappointed about not having someone, yet now years later she is married with her first child. I think the thing she realized was that God was saving her for something more than she could ever imagine.

So... as i hung up the phone i was startled by how much was on my mind. The idea of the peace corp scares the crap out of me. Two years of your life to living and working for nothing in a country you are unfamiliar with. INTENSE!!!! But as the day progressed... my heart was heavy. Could i do it? Could i sacrifice the plush lifestyle i live in, to serve honestly serve those around me. What about my family? What about my friends, would i have the strength to leave it all behind to live a life for others? Is this something God is really calling me to?

I barely slept last night because i was so intrigued in the life that God is preparing for me in the future. Yet the amazing part is that i am wanting to learn more and more about people like Mother Theresa and those who gave of themselves fully. I want to have skills and learn trades that could help me in the future.

This last week in Church my pastor was talking about how this Ethiopian was not allowed into the church yet would travel to Jerusalem when they worshipped just because he knew God was there. Though he was not allowed in, he loved God so much that he devoted himself no matter what it took. Come on honestly... what the heck? This is so scary and amazing at the same time.

So... as of this point.. i am praying like crazy. so if you would like to send up a prayer for me that would be amazing. Though it is two years away... i know how fast that time slips by and i am trying to devote everyday to being used. I want to serve and love like never before.

Maybe the reason why i have not had a real relationship with a guy yet is because God is preparing my heart for something extreme. He is saving my heart and going to do something intense before he decides to settle my feet down with a family.

Now the question is... can i settle my heart to see the doors God is opening right now for me to walk through and learn through for my future?

WOW!!!!! INTENSE!!! LIFE IS INTENSE!!!

New Welcome Mat

2007-08-15T21:27:00.000-07:00

It is little and has lots of white walls, but they are my walls. It has four little chairs, around a round little table. The couch doesn't really match but it is a couch. My grandmothers quilt hangs making everything taste like home.

It is quiet and just right! It is the realization that i am all grown. It is my very first apartment.

Today was amazing!!! I got to hangout with my new roommate all day.. speeding down the road in search for the best and cheapest decorations to cover those white walls. Feeling the complete satisfaction of not breaking our checkbooks (or visas) at Ikea and squealing like little kids as we raced into our apartment just wanting it to be all done.

Then i went to a friends house and spent a couple hours hanging out with some random people. It felt really good.. because i feel different. I actually cared about the lives of others and how they were spending them. i talked to this random guy who i had met a few times last year and had a great time listening to where he was going in life. It is so awesome to feel comfortable enough to just talk with someone you don't know. FUN FUN FUN.

I am really excited about this year and can't wait to get back into the steam of things. Though tomorrow is the start of training.. which means no freedom, i am really trying to have a great outlook and positive attitude.

Love is the theme of this next year for my life!

So as i sit in this really cute new apartment.. it is like stepping into a whole new Independence and way of life. I am really jazzed to see where God takes me and what he does in my life.

- SHY:)

Um.. now what?

2007-08-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

So in the last week i have come home to find that i don't want to be a teacher, i am passionate about helping people, and that i am now more lost than ever. This summer has been amazing! I am so lost right now.. yet am seeing the light. I am finally articulating what it is that i feel is at the pit of my soul. The scary thing is that i am reaching out to a place that is uncomfortable and challenging! I think i am done nannying for the summers... which is scary to say, because that is where my money comes from... but am excited to see where God takes me now.

Why does it seem that everything that is comfortable needs to be left behind? WE get to this certain place in life where everything is flowing, yet then it is time to leave. We are to embark on a new journey that is taking us to places we have never faced before and the waters are unmarked.

It is so crazy.. i was just thinking about how Jesus tells Peter to trust Him to walk out on water to Him. Now Peter has been challenged before, but come on.. walk on water??? what the heck? I think that God is telling me to just take the first step off the boat. Take the next couple of months to ignore everything my head is telling me, and trust Him. I am used to the boat and am comfortable just working the boat, but no.. it is my time to step off. Now... this is so hard because the world is telling me that we are not supposed to walk on water.. we are supposed to stay in the box and stay comfortable. Go to school..get a degree.. get married... live happily ever after... heck no! It is only when we step off the boat that we can see the amazing things that God wants to do with our lives.

I was running a couple days ago and i had all these crazy things going through my head. God was really using that day to hit me hard with some crazy things, but then i fell. I mean hard... i stumbled on a rock and down i went. I caught myself but got pretty banged up, but you know it wasn't about falling.. but about the need to cry. I just bawled like a little baby out there.. all alone. I haven't really cried in a long long long time and it was so refreshing. It was as if finally the walls were breaking down and i could just let it all pour out. My pain.. frustration... depression...fears...reliefs...excitements... etc. It was so crazy to be all alone, but feeling the presence of God so much more.

I am ready for this next year.. i am ready to cast a vision and really act upon it. I am ready to stumble and be scared for what the future is to hold, but really jazzed to see what will happen. I have only been encouraged thus far... so who knows... this world is so short yet so full of opportunity.

Lord- my prayer this year is that i don't get comfortable. Let me struggle and find you in a new way. Lord- may i be Your hands and feet, that i may love like you love and feel a little of the pain you went through. I have so much to learn and am scared at times to see where You are going to take me. Thank you for this last summer.. may i be a light! Your light!

I am on this tight rope for you Lord - this railroad track trying to keep my eyes on You to stay on track!

As it wraps up...

2007-07-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

Only a week left of San Clemente.. crazy how fast the summer flew by. Only a week until true vacation at my home:) i haven't had a true vacation without with work in a really long time and it is going to feel really good not to have any obligations.

I can't say this summer has been my favorite, but it has been interesting. A mix between great days and bad days. I have figured out a lot about myself though in the process. I figured out that i hate having a job where i never feel i am doing just enough. I hate constantly feeling like i am walking on egg shells, when there is really no big problem. I love the way i can just leave and take off on my own special beach trail.

I am going to miss the freedom that i feel in the moments that i watch the random people pass by me on the running path. I am going to miss no traffic and swimming laps in the beautiful private pool. I am going to miss the hard times i have faced, trying to work through what i believe, how i face life, and what journey God has me on. I know the journey will continue, but i haven't been alone this much in my life, and it has given me a lot of time to just be quiet.

I am afraid that my life is going to continue spiralling down this course that seems uncontrollable. I am afraid that i will go back to who i was, forgetting the lessons i have learned this summer.

I am excited about the rich new opportunities i feel are just ahead. I am excited to start listening and seeking others out instead of being the star all the time. I am excited to get healthy again. I am excited to find a new church, a home. I am excited to change the way i may appear to others. I am excited about getting a little closer to graduating, yet freaked out because i don't feel passionate about teaching.

I am jazzed at getting the chance to delve into richer relationships with my friends.

I am a little worried.. might i say really worried i am not going to pass my biology class.

I am slightly worried about my relationship with a certain person. The dependency is becoming more and i don't want it.. all the while i do. I just wish that God would maybe... just maybe put someone else in my life to help stop what is going on.. yet isn't. *i know it totally didn't make sense

I see now what i had always wanted and what i now know i don't need. Thank you God for your ability to make us understand in our own time. i was a spoiled girl this summer and feel the worst in my life. Crazy how that works out huh? But hey the glass is always half full and the darkness is now turning to light. A hand is reaching out to me... saying Baby, i know you were searching, leaving, and now want to return.. i have always been here!

so that most likely didn't make any sense to you... but hey that is why it is Shy's blog right?

Lord, thank you for the RAIN

2007-07-21T23:22:00.001-07:00

Mercy Me Sings this song called Bring the Rain! It is amazing:)

This summer has been one of the hardest times in my life! I have been not only battling with my weight, loneliness, doubts, fears, wonders, excitements, quiet and loud moments, but also reflection and change. This song pretty much sums up my summer thus far.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there will be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I think the hardest part of this summer has been me for the first time having to stand in the rain. It is like this great big rain cloud has been over my head and i am just now starting to see the sunshine, through the little break in the clouds. Yet, it has been great. I guess i have been looked at always as being all put together and confident, um... yeah no. It is hard to describe, but i feel sometimes almost everything has to be taken away, for you to see who God really is.

Now most of you know i am living rather nice in a million dollar home, with blessings rocking my socks off.... but i think this was a time God was showing me this side of life so i can understand that wealth is not what i want or need. i feel that in the near future i am going to see the flip side, but to really learn love i have to experience both sides. People with everything hurt just like those with nothing. People struggle and gasp for air. They always think that one more thing will make them happy... yet it never does. So, i guess this is a proclamation, that i feel God gearing me up for a journey. A journey to a different side of life. I can't figure out where that will be, but i am ready.

I am sitting in a room, where the furniture alone is more than people would make in a lifetime in poor countries, which tears my heart out, but also gives me an idea of what i thought i always wanted. Now that i have it, i don't want it. Yet, i feel Him stirring... pushing and grinding.. helping me focus on Him so that i can be his hands and feet. Hard summer = amazing lifetime!

Interesting

2007-07-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

So, Cody ( my amazingly random brother who i love with all my heart) has been talking to me about God lately. For the longest time i was so worried that he was so far from God that he would never come back, but i think i was missing it the entire time. He is trying to find God in a way that many of us are afraid to try. He is digging really deep and cutting out the whole religion thing. A month or so ago, we had this entire evening together where we talked about where he was on a spiritual level. IT it fascinating! He started talking to me about how the problem with religion is that everyone is constantly trying to judge their ways against each others, instead of seeing that God wired us differently and to worship differently. Though this was something out of the ordinary for me to think about, i started thinking about this. What if our God is so big that he is seen in so many different forms. Though our entire lives we have been brought up to go to church, say certain things, and believe certain ways... we are really supposed to discover it ourselves. Cody is not against faith, he is opposed to how religion constantly puts people against each other, thus taking our eyes from the important part!

Another interesting thing that i have been wrestling with has been ... how the entire point of life is to love. Honestly.. we are just supposed to love. So what if we stopped teaching other people that our way of belief is right and just teach people to love. because at the root end of all things.. God calls us to Love. IF love opens the doors for people to see that the God we worship is filled with grace, mercy, and forgiveness... then we don't have to use words. WE can preach through our actions and not through strife. I chose to believe that i was not called here to go to the Nations and take my God, but to go to the Nations and point out the amazing love of God and all the places that He is already present, that often times people miss.

I guess my mind has been going in so many different directions lately, and i feel a lot of life i have been striving to be the perfect Christian, when i am on a journey like no other. I love going to a small school, where people love on each other... but at times it is hard to be there. It is hard to hear everyone talking about how we are a school filled with mission, yet we are not using our hands. Where in Riverside have we left our mark? Yeah, so we are nice and polite.. whoopdido! We are so much more than that! Where have we left love? Where have we gotten out of our bubble and stopped worrying so much about the CBU relationships? There are so many homeless, lonely, poor, lost people! We don't need to use big words and try to through the bible in their face! We need to extend a hand and give our time. Now, i am not blaming everyone else, but starting with myself. I have let 2 years go by without really doing anything myself.

I feel this summer has been a really rocky and wild ride for me, just on this personal journey.... so now, as this summer starts to come to a close... i am starting to gear up. I am stomping on the past 2 years.. as a good time of learning, but seeing things i wanna change as well.

Wide Open Spaces

2007-06-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

It must be the sea breeze or calm feeling that overtakes my body as i jog down the dusty and dirty trail each evening. I can hear the waves crashing even over the voice of India ari and i smile. It is as if for just one moment in my life i have the choice to do whatever i want... i can continue running or stop and just gaze out at the dolphins splashing in the water. No boss, no obligation, just me and my running shoes.

For the past yearish i have been intrigued by the fact that running can be such an incredible feeling that i have been missing for all these years.

I have been running along the beach in San Clemente for the past week and it is sooo amazing. The richly diverse community of people who call this trail home. It is a mix between innocent children learning how to ride their bikes for the first time and the troublesome teenagers just trying to get through the days. It is the first time parents who live with all the pleasures of this Earthly world and those who are just struggling to get through the month. It is the old man who is just scooting along and the fisherman on the pier just enjoying the last moments of daylight.

For an hour each evening i can just be me. I can sweat and smile. I can throw my hair in a pony and run slow. I can talk with God and not be interrupted.

IF you have never run.... don't start fast... start out slow and enjoy nature... breath in the clean air, listen for those noises we often miss, and breath... we are here another day! RUN:)

The Fat me

2007-06-04T00:02:00.001-07:00

This morning in church our pastor was talking about the B-attitudes and focused on Matthew 5:3. It was talking about those who are weak in their spirit will inherit the Kingdom. He was talking about how every single person has a part of their life that is just tearing them up.

His analogy was great, he said.... "now your front door may look manicured with a perfect lawn and flowers... but it is what is on the inside that counts, the deeps secrets of the bedrooms and basement that really determine the inner-workings of a person" It doesn't matter if everyone sees a perfect lawn, eventually they will have to see the inside. We are all broken and hurting with something. It is only when we admit we have a problem and seek Him to heal those wounds that we can begin to heal.

I have struggled with my weight since i was really little. Yes, i have always been tall, but i have always clung to food for some reason. I know that each person holds baggage that they must sort through and find answers to and i am still on that journey. I am not sure what void i am trying to fill with food, but i am desperatly trying to find out what the problem is so that i can once again start the journey to being healthy again.

So i am standing here today to say that the smile and nice tan on the outside may seem great, really in the basement i am not doing good. I feel fat all the time and still eat. I know that in the worlds eye's i might not seem overly overweight, i know that there is a problem.

I feel that Satan has hit different people with different things and today i can see that he has me gasping for air when it comes to food. I do not want to think about food all the time and how i look. I want to be free to live and be free to dance for Jesus. Not this world, but i want my basement to match the smile in the front yard.

Lord - Please fill my life with purpose that will help me not cling to any Earthly thing, but You and you alone. I want to move forward today. Be my source, my strength, and may i keep my eye's upon You at all times. Food cannot and will not dictate my life. - your daughter

Coming Home

2007-06-03T23:48:00.001-07:00

This weekend was my little brothers graduation from high school and it hit me really hard. I am not a little kid anymore. There are no more baby steps or parents holding their hands out for me to run into. I threw my cap and tossed my gown and life is here. Going back to my high school was a loud reminder that i want something out of life. I don't need to try and explain every decision, but want to be proud of where i have gone in life.

I am only home for 4 days this summer and that is crazy. Life is moving, people are growing, and if i am not careful life is going to pass me back.

After spending the last 5 hours with 4 of my friends from my past, i realized that i am still clinging to the past when i need to continue to push on into the future. I am not missing anything here back at home and southern California is my new home. I actually missed my school friends when i was in the presence of my high school friends. So... here is to coming home and knowing that God is guiding me into the future. Life may change, but i need to trust, follow, and continue on.

Total Copycat

2007-05-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

So after reading my friends blog, my heart was yearning to be a copycat. She just wrote about who she was and nothing stopped her. So here goes!

I love popcorn that has been sitting in the bowl for a couple hours. I love comfy flip flops and feeling grass in my toes. I don't really like babysitting everyday. Kids drive me crazy. Starbucks water is AMAZING. I hate having to walk on egg shells around certain people. i hate clinging to a certain boy knowing that He is not the one for me. I am just getting through the days at this point and i hate that feeling. I love my family like never before. I never wear lipstick. I talk way too much and yet do nothing about it. I love driving and hate being the passenger. Map quest is one of my favorite Internet tools. If i could travel every week i would. I am so restless. Whipped cream and strawberries make me happy. I am really happy being single right now. i think i don't give guys the chance sometimes out of the fear of total rejection. I don't want to be too rich. i want to honestly and authentically care deeply about people. I want to work at Ronald McDonald house this summer. i grew up in a cult and am so glad i did, because now i appreciate my relationship with Christ all that much more. I wake up happy almost every single day. i can't spell worth crap. I often take the easy way out on school things. I love slow and soft music. I only write late at night. Deep down i think i love Kevin, but not that kind of love. I am insecure alot. I seem to always have it all together, but i don't. Food is my biggest downfall. My heart hurts right now. i really like pottery barn. But i don't want pottery barn, i want to help people. i am a lot of talk and not enough action. I love talking to my mom on the phone. I love feather pillows and when things match.

I like being alone, but sometimes i get depressed when i don't have people around me. the smell of vanilla is so comforting. I am old enough to see the problems in my parents marriage and that scares me. I have so much to learn. Sometimes i wish i could be a kid again, so i could just run and learn and not worry about life. Eternity is scary to think about. Sometimes i can feel God so close and sometimes He feels so far away. I only like talking to certain people on the phone for a long time. I long to be held by a man. I don't think the point of life is to have the happily ever after, but to end being a total servant. I constantly compare myself to others and i don't want that. I want to wear sweatpants that are big and baggy just cause. I love being kissed by the sun and feeling the warmth on my skin. Pessimistic people kill me. Lazy people just make me mad. I love hanging out with non-Christians and learning things from them and loving on them so deeply, not expecting anything in return. Celebrities just need people to love them (not the TV them) but the true them. I feel sorry for Britney Spears and far away she is from what is really important in life. I love road trips and those songs that take your breath away. I love running in the morning and seeing the world begin again. i have been trying to write a story for my aunt since 5th grade and yet can't seem to find the words. i love people.

i want to live in the country one day. i want to walk outside my door and not see other people's house. i want to drive down a long driveway with lots of trees and have a big porch. i want to raise my kids in the country. i want to be close to my brothers even when we are all grown. i want to be constantly challenged by friends. i want to not compare my life to others, but just live fully alive. i don't really like concerts cause they are awkward. i hate smoke and love strawberry shortcake. i want to be a great mom one day, but am way to young at this point.

life is life and i am ready to be used, torn, pushed, pulled, and molded.

Is it the seats?

2007-05-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

For some reason airplanes and airports do something to me. I don't know if it is the quiet/lack of quiet or the fact that i am stuck in a chair for over an hour with no where to run. But every time i get on the airplane God does something amazing... it is almost as if He is revealing things to me as i am flying in the air.

I have battled with my weight for years now and sometimes it is so exhausting. I get sick of having to make the right decisions all the time and feeling so bad if i don't. I hate having people constantly tell me oh you don't need to lose weight, when both i and them know that i need to. I know it is not about my body, but it is about getting over the obsession i have with food.

So as i started a new journey this last week, i realized that getting in shape and eating right was on the to-do list. I did pretty dang good, but still needed a little kick. So, as i was reading in this great new book i picked up by Rob Bell, i was stunned at the words i heard.

"Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of the desire, it's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires."

"If they don't go into a few, select, disciplined pursuits that you are passionate about and are willing to give your life to, then they'll dissipate into all sorts of urges and cravings that won't even begin to bring the joy that the "one thing" could.

Lastly, "how can you make your life about that so that you won't be tempted to give into that"

What journey does God have me on that is going to take me away from food. I want to work at the Ronald McDonald's home for children, i want to do something with homeless, and i want to do something more. I am done, finished, and challenged to be me... not anyone else, not a size 2 but a healthy women of God who is here to make a mark! - that's me

We are all the same

2007-05-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

We are all people... we are just wounded and hurting souls searching for something that is so much bigger than words. We are reaching for the light when if we just opened our eye's we would see Him and realize that He is it!

Today jocelyn and John were talking about where they were going to be sitting at this huge benefit. Should they sit next to Shaq or Jennifer Garner? Now, honestly a couple weeks ago i would have been freaking out thinking of how much i would love to get to have dinner with Jenn, but come on they are just people too! They are people who are searching, and scrambling in a lost world. I would rather sit next to a person who has had no food for an entire week, who would appreciate a warm meal and would really appreciate everything. Because as much as i would love to have a heart to heart with celebrities, people forget that they are just people too!

I think we are missing the point in the world. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day about religion and He had such insight on what the problem with religion is. We are all going and searching after the same God, but can't seem to see that so we have to fight over who is right! Why?

Today, i met two morman guys who were walking down the sidewalk in pursuit of who they could talk to next. Now, i used to get really bugged by their interrogation, but not today. I realized that they Love God and want to spread His name, they are looking for something more. Though i do not agree with some of their teachings, there is no reason to dislike or get annoyed by them. I am called to love them as Jesus loves them.

If we are made by God and there was nothing before or after God then we are in His perfect image which means we are to love as God loves. No matter what...

WOW that was random.. but yeah, just some thoughts!

I love it!

2007-05-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

I think Gods love song to me lately has been through dance, no i cannot dance, but through music/words/others, i have been imagining me dancing with my Daddy! Him carrying me around that dance floor and making me feel like a princess. So, i remembered this story and i love it!!!! You have to read it:)

FOOTPRINTS…A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends! This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger. Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints. You are amazed and shocked. Your dream ends.

Now you pray:
"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just
learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."

When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way." "Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.

"You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

Looking around

2007-05-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

It is another late night and my stomach is sick.

I look around and see Mercedes, flat screens, and spoiled kids. I see wealth like never before and disatisfaction like never before. It is like the material world is in their fingertips, but yet still they hold nothing. How can this be? Well, after being in it for only 2 weeks now, i am coming to realize that i can't do it. I refuse. I was not created to live the cookie cutter life, where all the houses match and we have yoga in the morning.

I do not want so much money that i forget what is important in life. I want to taste life for the little things and not get everything at my fingertips. I want to work hard for everything that i get and i want to cry because it is hard.

What gives me the right to sit in this fluffy bed and just stare off at a fictional world about crap? Why am i not doing something more? Why am i letting everyday pass me by, just because i am tired from watching kids? Whoop di do.. i could be way worse off, yet i take total advantage everyday of what i am given.

I want to be used and molded and made. I am sick of thinking of my life and my needs and my desires. I want His desires and His needs and His journey for my life. I don't want to toss His name around and i don't want to back down... but to embrace, love, introduce, and integrate Christ into every bone/part/gasp of my life. I am empty and down!

i know that these little valleys help us appreciate Christ that much more, so now i am standing back up and dancing around!!! I am weak but ready!

That bored feeling...

2007-05-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

So, i have been sitting on this dang bed for the past 7 nights in a row and i am about to choke. I feel so unproductive at the end of each day even after working for 8 hours. Basically what i am saying is that i am bored and still i am doing nothing about it. Sad day right? Well, maybe i just needed to get the relaxing out of the way, so i could feel it and then move on.

yeah... i don't know that was random, but i am ready to start feeling the summer ... soaking it up and not looking back!

That taste in your mouth....

2007-03-27T00:36:00.001-07:00

This is the journey.... 3 girls.. one car... and 5 days worth of stories...

You know those moments that just leave that sweet taste in your mouth?
The entire week was a constant sweet taste that will stay in my heart forever.

- It was the sweet feeling of lying on a big towel fully clothed on the beach in Santa Barbara, just napping because we had NO obligations:)
- It was being so sleepy, but not wanting to go back to the hostel... so we just sat in Borders for 3 hours reading wedding magazines and dreaming of the future.
- It was that not so pretty taste after getting no sleep in the hostel.

It was that the smell of home as we climbed the hills to the beautiful landscape of Northern California. It was the smile of my father as i gave him a huge hug and the feeling of wanting to cry as i embraced my mom that still touches my soul.

It was the feeling of pride as Shaun walked out of that bathroom all dressed in purple for prom. The feeling that i have lost him, yet still have him. The fear of what is to come in the next months and the realization that home will NEVER be the same again.

It was the sweet feel of victory in Uno just to lose in Nerts.

As we climbed back into that little car.... my heart hurt like it does every time as i leave my favorite place in the world.... home.

It was the intoxicating smell of jelly belly's. The perfect bean with only 5 calories.

It was the feeling of pure beauty as we watched the woods turn into rolling green hills, covered in amazingly beautiful grazing cows over the Napa Hills. It was the simpleness of our little picnic lunch, our last moments just the three of us.

Then we drove... feeling overwhelmed as we reached the outskirts of that big city. San Fran seemed so appealing until we realized.... we were not in the mood for the hustle and bustle, but wanted to just chill. So.. after getting lost a couple times, we finally made it to our milk carton destination.

I saw how truly blessed i am. Why me Lord? Why am i so blessed to have been born into such an incredible home? Where my father and mother believe in your amazing works?

It was the rush... that i felt after we tepeed a random guys car... (of course Cindy knew him), but the feeling that i might end up in jail... haha

It was the feeling of free clam chowder flowing down my neck, but more than that the feeling of being in the presence of 3 amazing women of God.

One of my favorites... the pure laughter that rang through the car as Lo did another one of her little jigs after she got another of her 100 trucker honks... of course it was a joint effort.

It was the gut wrenching feeling i was going to pee my pants, as we departed with our little ride-a-long friend uni... (otherwise known as retard, thing, and gross looking unicorn)

It was the feeling of sweet rejoicing as we paid our last penny for gas on the final day.... but i will never forget the final drive as we all realized what an amazing 1400 miles we had driven together those 5 days.

As i stepped out of the car for the last time, i hugged my friends and will never forget the dreams, fears, joys, pains, plans, lack of plans, and journeys that we shared with each other.

There is my road trip... it was like nothing i have ever experienced before... yet i know this was just the first of many:)

3, 2, 1

2007-03-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

3, 2, 1... jump!!!! nope not the first time.... 1, 2, 3, jump!!!! nope not the second time.... okay girls we actually have to do this... finally 3, 2, 1.... WE DID IT...

i could barely feel myself as i dropped the towel and launched my body into the freezing water... but as i sunk deeper and deeper into the breathtaking water.. all i could think was... i actually did it. For the first time in my life... i skinny dipped or as we re-named it... chunk and dunked!

yeah... so maybe it was just my swimming pool.. but heck i did it! I also laughed my head off and will never forget the night that i bared my soul to the world... or just my own eyes and took the plunge!!!

It was one of those moments that i will never forget experiencing with two of my best friends:)

Headed Out On The Highway

2007-03-05T23:49:00.000-08:00

I am about to be the college girl.. i have always wanted to be. The one who packs up her Toyota, with 2 of her closest friends and heads out on the highway.
We may hit traffic.. but heck when we are listening to Justin who cares right? We want to stop at the largest ball of yarn.. and honk when we enter towns. We want to splash our feet in the water and skinny-dip. I want to put my feet on the dashboard and wear the cute sunglasses. I want to laugh my head off and ask the unasked questions. I want to get lost and find cute little towns... and meet the locals.

I want to almost run out of gas and laugh so hard i cry. I want to take so many unneccesary pictures.. and be real. I want to talk about boys and eat crappy food. I want to show my friends where i call home and i want to get bootylock for the sake of a great road trip.

My road trip is going to happen in less than 2 weeks and i want to scream at the top of my lungs. For this is what college girls do.. they don't act their age and THEY love it!

A True Friend

2007-03-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder how one person can understand you so well? I call her my 3 AM friend... the one who if ever i had an emergency, would be the first one i called to help. She goes by Deanna but i call her Dezee.

She and I have so much in common that i am baffled that God has blessed me so richly with the opportunity to know her. She truly cares and wants the best for me, as i do for her and for that reason I thank God.

We will have just gotten back in from hanging out with friends and just sit in the lobby for hours talking about life. Not the fake stuff, but the authentic struggles of life. Our questions just continue coming and with each one.. we squish and mold to try to help each other understand.

When i dreamed of College i dreamed of finding friends like her, and here we are. She is the one who i want to roadtrip with and call when all the big stuff happens. I want her in my wedding and there when my kids are born. This seems kinda crazy.. but she is soul friend!

YEP... finally i am not pulling her up... but she is standing next to me...just being my friend

Not about the chocolates:)

2007-02-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

So this Valentines day is different for me:)

This is the first time in that last couple of years that i am so content in life. I sit at my desk with joy in my heart. I have felt the pleasure of being in the presence of a man, have felt the sting of heartbreak, but am free.

Now don't get me wrong.. i am not this rightous Christian girl who is all about Christ being my Valentine.. down with men. But a new definition is what i like to call it. It is the realization that God is saving my heart for something more than chocolates and flowers. He is saving me for real love.

I don't want just a date. I don't want just a valentine. I want a Man of God. And i know that this year... it is not my time. It is so amazing to be at this point in my life, where i am really happy. You know that Happy, that just brings a smile to your face.

The happy that makes me realize that i am so blessed. The happy that makes me realize that my friends love me for EXACTLY who i am, the happy that makes me just soak up the rain... (because i know it comes from Christ).. and the happy that makes me anticipate the future, but relax in the moment.

So today.. as your Valentines hits.. remember to praise God for the exact place he has you right now. If you are in the presence of a Man, enjoy the moment, if you are with friends.. smile.. and if you are alone.. worship God for who He is and His perfect timing.

So.. if i could sum up my Valentines day, it is Joy. Joy for the happiness it brings everyone else, knowing that one day.. i too will feel THAT love. But right now.. i am learning what True love is.. with my creator.

I love you all, Shy:)

You are My Strong Tower

2007-01-11T16:46:00.000-08:00

You are my Strong Tower

Your face is all i see... you are my refuge and hope.
When the storm of life is raging and thunder is all i hear.. you speak softly to my soul.. now i am running to your mountain... where your mercy sets me free... you are my strong tower shelter over me.. beautiful and mighty everlasting king.. you are my strong tower fortress when i am weak.. your name is true and holy.. and your face is all i see... and your face is all i see...

There are moments in life.. when things are going so right and in one instant they can seem to just hit the floor... then it is as if the wind was knocked out of you. Yet, if we can continue to see a little glimpse of the overwhelming power and strength of Christ.. we also realize that Nothing can keep us down.. Because Christ is our strong tower.

Friends may come and go.. boyfriends may come and go... yet there is Nothing that can bring down Christ as our strong tower.

The taste of victory....

2006-12-13T22:44:00.000-08:00

6 finals... 4 hours... and i am done!!!!

Another semester has come and gone.. and out of it i have found...

- that i love history when Kenya is teaching it... she makes it come alive
- computers are not that complicated
- i really do not enjoy learning about rocks
- teaching in the classroom is WAY more complicated than i thought
- i am not as bad at spanish as i thought i am!!!!

Overall, i rocked this semester... - shy

This boy

2006-12-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

So... being the leader that i am.. it is easy to take the lead... do the texting, do the inviting... do the guys job... but not anymore:)

The amazing thing was that i stopped... i stopped being the leader and left it to him. Then i prayed, was patient and now you know happened?

He is texting, he is inviting, and he is asking. So with a guarded heart.. i am out on a limb.. being myself... no makeup.. no mask... just purely me! He ask's, i answer... not a fake what he wants to hear answer... but truth. And take me or leave me.. this is shy...

I have prayed.. opened my heart and now i am going to have fun. No more over analyzing.. just getting to know a guy as a friend.. and if something is to come up later.. then i will know it is of God... and not my need for a boyfriend.

So.. if you have a second.. pray for my heart. Pray for my relationship with God.. that it would be the center... the fuel. That everything else would come after and that if it is God's will... i would get to know this boy more.

Guard my heart Lord...

Complicated Boys

2006-12-10T15:25:00.000-08:00

For years i did not understand why everyone else had boyfriends and not me. I would cry, trying to change everything about myself so that they would like me. Yet, as the years passed God changed my heart and mind towards what kind of Guy he would supply me with.

What i need:
1. Someone who is more in love with God than he is with me
2. A spiritual leader who is going to push me to be everything God has planned for me.
3. A confident leader, who is stronger than me and can lead me.
4. A loving guy
5. Passionate and on fire for life... optimisitic is key:)
6. An incredible friend of mine

These are just a few.. and since i am interested in a guy it has been interesting all the different feed back. Shy... you are too over confident that why you haven't got a guy... or shy... you have too high of standards.. or shy... you just won't let it happen! But no... it has not been Gods timing and i am finally ok with that. I know that i am not going to get a perfect guy... but i also trust that God is going to handle the situation.

I have prayed, thought, talked, and wondered about relationships.. and now i just need to be patient.

A new haircut... a new girl:)

2006-12-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

Have you ever cut your hair and with the new cut comes a new identity? Or a desire to become someone you have always wanted to be? I think that hair at times can be a link between being bold and not being bold.

The other day i cut my hair and colored it a great color. I am not going to lie.. i feel hot, confident, and fresh. The reason why this is so odd, is because i have got my haircut before and yet... i have been more terrified of what people where going to say, instead of taking the change and embracing it:)

Yet, i got a new haircut and walked onto campus with a whole new confidence. I am a women of God who loves people and am ready to have a blast! I am 20 years old and need to have a good time. So basically, i walked with my chin high, shoulders back, and embraced CBU. And you know what happened?

EVERYONE loved it... even if they didn't like the new cut, they could see something different. People who i have never talked to or thought would talk to me are starting to say hi... i love it.

So not to say that haircuts should change who you are... but dang.. sometimes God can use scissors and color to push me out of my comfort zone!!

Yeah.. basically - me

My new ME

2006-09-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

Confident... Confidence... Beauty... Trust...

These first couple weeks of my sophomore year have been incredible. I realized that when i came back to CBU i wanted to be different. So.. for the last couple of weeks, i have embraced life in So Cal.. as a sophomore, as the women God designed me to be, as a passionate and set apart Women of integrity. I have made WAY more friends... had way more experiences and decided i LOVE life.

My girls moved in and i LOVE my hall. They are an assortment of differences, rich/poor, white/black, outgoing/quiet, dedicated/slackers... i LOVE it!

Tonight i got to know one of my girls on my hall in such a deep and personal way. Though i am sleepy and have had a LONG week, it is amazing how energized God makes me and the words He gives me at just the right time. For a girl who hardly knows me to open up and share so much deep stuff is amazing.

I like a guy and yet it is so different. I want to get to know him, instead of just thinking he is cute. I want to be myself, realizing that exactly who God has for me, will love the quarks about my personality.

I am so excited to just start each new day. Realizing that life is filled with opportunities and i am ready to dive in head first.. get ready i am here:)

Goodbye Summer

2006-08-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

wow.. time flew by so quick and tomorrow i will be leaving Kirkland. The emotions flowing are somewhat scary... part of me is screaming yeah.. back to school.. on with my life. And yet another side of me is crying because i love it up here so much.

Last night i had to say goodbye to my friends at the Upper Room (the college group i got plugged in to) and it was one of the hardest things. I realized that most likely i will never see any of those people again, and they were such great friends to me.

Last weekend i had the opportunity to go to George, Washington for 3 days for this thing called Creation. It was like spirit west coast, but at this huge gorge and it was INCREDIBLE. I got to hang out with so many great people and see some incredible bands. My favorite was David Crowder.. who totally stole the show from Third Day.. and also Newsboys.. it was incredible being with 20,000 people as we all lit candles and worshiped God! talk about goosebumps.

I also faced one of my fears... the unknown.. i had been hearing about this waterfall irigation ditch that all the upper room people had gone to for years. So after being told that almost everyone has to be rescued.. i wasn't so sure! But after little debate with my head, i just flung my body in and was swept down the river!!!! IT WAS AMAZING... i realized that i am not the type of person who just wants to sit off to the side and watch everyone else do it, but i want to experience life as it comes my way!!!

So.. tomorrow is the day that i return to life as i knew it... back to school and new experiences! I am excited to see what this next year holds, because i think that i have learned a lot this summer about myself and others...

to ask more questions... to really be interested in other peoples lives.. and to trust God to move my every step.

Though this summer has flown by the memories that i take will last me a lifetime. This summer has made me realize that i want to explore this world and the many people in it! to think that before this summer i knew nobody in Washington and now i know at least 50!!!

so... tata for now.. i am soaking up the last raindrop as tomorrow will bring the 115 degree weather again.. (woo hoo.. i can work on my tan)

love you all for the phone chats and hopefully i will get to see you soon!!!

Shy

Life in Kirkland

2006-05-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well.. I have lived here almost 3 weeks and wow.. how the time flys!

I guess when I was looking at this summer, I figured.. how hard could caring for a 5 month old be? Well... I have quickly figured that out! DEMANDING!!!!
Charlie is really fun but at times freaks out when he is not being held... and man does it take a lot of patience! I am learning each day how long to let him cry and whine before i pick him up.

Kirkland has been nice but rainy! I don't think i would make it the entire winter with it raining all the time!!!! I need my sun!

I found a church to go to which has been incredible. It is called Overlake Christian Church and i love it! I am starting to go to the college group and have met some great people. Last night i went to the Saturday night service called Illuminate and realized that in my future, I have this feeling that I will be in some other part of the world working either in an orphanage or as a teacher... who knows.... but my heart breaks everytime I see those eyes of children who have no family and just need someone to love on them!

God has big plans for my life and it is so amazing just being quiet and listening to His still small voice:)

I am super jazzed because i get to come home in the end of june and my parents are going to be here in a couple of weeks. And my best friend Katie is going to come and see me in July!

If you could pray for me that would be great:

For patience with Charlie, for friends up here that I can hang out with, for finding quiet time outside the home, for giving the family enough space and finding enough space myself!

I love you all :) - shy

Highlights of my first week in Kirkland

2006-05-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

Everyone has to have adventures in life and I am on one right now!!!!

- Driving a longbed truck to Barnes and nobles, not realizing that it was smack dab in the middle of a major city... Oh yeah! Um... Can I just say that parking was fun... *cough cough

- If you want to change your kids mind on having kids young just have them nanny or babysit a 4 month old.. talk about demanding.. and a 24 hour job!!!!

- It is incredible to try new church's and see all the different ways to worship God!

- I love nannying for a blonde.. She keeps me on my toes and keeps me laughing.. I luv Laurie:)

- Washington has to be one of the most beautiful states I have ever been in!

- Don't ask people from Kirkland where the nearest Target is.. You just get this blank stare like... Who shops at target these days:) hehe.. Hey that is why we have mapquest right!

- You won't realize how much you miss your mom until you are not with her on Mother's Day!

- I didn't realize how much I could miss my best friend until she moved to North Carolina and I moved to Washington for the summer... PS. Did people have real lives before they had cell phones?

- I love organizing things and I really REALLY need to learn how to cook! The whole quesidilla, oatmeal thing is gettin kinda old!

I am having a blast up here.. Though I have to get up at about 6:15 every morning.. I am learning how to savor the quiet moments and get a lot done.. Cause when you have a 4 month on your hip you don't get a lot done!!!

I hope all is well with you all... And if you have time.. Give me a call.. Believe me.. I would love to talk!!!!

First Day in Washington

2006-05-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well.. Most people tend to feel a little anxious when they are jumping off into the unknown. My unknown.. An entire summer being a nanny in Kirkland, Washington, for almost 5 month old Charlie:). As I stepped off the plane yesterday, I was filled with so much excitement, almost all of my worries disappeared.

Then I met the grandparents.. Now, that is can always be interesting because you are taking their baby from them.. So I was more worried about meeting the grandparents than being in a whole new state. But the second I walked throughout the door to their home, all my worries washed away. I love them already.. Between American idols, burgers, and some good old fashioned chat, I have adopted some Washington grandparents.

Tomorrow is the big move in day to my new home for the next couple of months. Due to minor complications.. ie. Ants, we got to stay at Laurie's parents house for the last 2 nights.

But let me just tell you all, Charlie is so adorable. He is just a kick in the pants, so giggly and fun! I will be posting more pictures of him and Washington in the future.. Just stay posted.

And.. Totally exciting, I am going to get to try out 2 new church's this Sunday and hang out with Laurie's parents again for a Mother's day Brunch:) So exciting...

Well.. Since little man (Charlie) woke me up at 5:30 this morning I am going to hit the sack!!! I hope everyone at home is doing great.. And don't forget to check in with me at askshy@aol.com

Love ya all.. There's me signing off from Kirkland!!!!
shy:)

And the Move is on....

2006-04-27T23:54:00.000-07:00

To say that this year has flown by is an understatement.. but as Sara, Rachel, and I stood outside Lowes tonight.. it all hit me! I am one year down.. dang!

Tonight was our late night breakfast and we had a blast. Then we all jumped in Sara's car and took off to find boxes to move our dorm junk into. Wow.. i am so amazed at how incredibly fun this whole year has been. Though there have been rough patchs (ie. roomate:) ) and long study nights (8 hour american govt. study groups), when looking back it is the girls I have met, the movie nights and slirpy runs... and lets not forget .. frequent dance parties...that have made this year all that it is:)

College life is all that i thought it would be and I can't wait for the coming years... Being an RA, playing volleyball, more studying.. ahhh!!! I am so excited..

Here are pictures of me and my girls.. and the fun squeezing into the car crammed with boxes:) Oh the life of crazy college girls:)

CAMPUS DAYS

2006-04-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

well.. i thought that I had experienced some great days here at CBU.. but not until I experienced campus days did i realize how truly amazing this place is.

People always ask why private schools are so called so much better than public schools and for this very reason.. i see why i am at a private school!

Campus days was a day devoted to playing super cool games, hanging out with your halls, and having a great time. We got to compete against other girls and guys from different parts of the campus... from inflatable obstical courses to watergun tag (kind of like laser tag, but with waterguns), from inflatable basketball to ultimate frisbee... we laughed our heads off.

My hall decided to dress up gangster and we created a chat that went along with the dont'ch was wish your girlfriend lived on 2b? It was soo much fun.

I think that a smaller school helps you connect with a variety of people from different backgrounds and we get to really get to know people. Today we got our yearbooks and it was cool just to look through the pictures and recognize a good percentage of the people on the pages. This is what College is all about!

I can't wait for the upcoming years and the memories that I am never going to forget!

Campus Days was incredible! This picture is of my hall girls... I luv ya 2B!!!

LAZY ALMOST SUMMER DAYS

2006-04-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

2 - tests
1 - 5 page paper
1 - 20 page paper
1 - 15 min presentation
6 - Finals

Totally procrastinating and hanging out with my friends cause it is so gosh darn warm outside

Priceless

There are somethings the sun can't buy but for everything else... there is the thought of being almost summer...

Only 2 more weeks... and Washington here I come!

FINALLY SPRING BREAK!!!

2006-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

Wow... i don't know who thought up of this late of a Spring Break... but I am so ready for it to be here!!!

Why does the clock seem to tick by so dang slow when I have a flight to catch?

I am so excited to see my grandma in Texas, where my mom and I will be staying for a couple of days!!! I am stoked to see my mom, because i haven't seen her in almost 2 months.. and a girl go only go so long without dying to see her mom:)

Then.. next wednesday I am goin home!!! YEP.. to my house:) I am so jazzed i don't even know what to do with myself.

My plans include but are not limited to - babyshower, kambria and jaylen, kevin x 2, Girls night, breakfast with fav. teacher, EASTER:), AUNTS:), Good old family time:)

Wow.. soooo exciting!! i am so jazzed, i don't even know what to do with myself.

Oh yeah, and I have to write 2 papers.. but hey why not procrastinate?

Well.. gotta make sure I am set to go and then I am off to see cody and then to catch my flight:)

Talk later:) - shy

Reaching for Desire

2006-04-03T23:21:00.000-07:00

Reaching for Desire is my goal right now.....

Desire is something that is in my heart and makes me long after it
Desire is something that my heart craves
Desire is something that I will do anything to gain...
Desire is something that I am reaching for...

A Desire to follow only Gods heart!

In a mixed up world.. with every other priority more important than our relationship with God, it is easy to take my eye off the main goal of my entire life.

I want to DESIRE God above every other thing in this world.

I think that as a 19 year old girl.. i am pressured to think that everything else is more desirable than a relationship with God. Yet.. that is what I want!

I don't want to worry about tomorrow.. but soak up every second of today. I don't want to always think about that cute guy or that perfect tan I must achieve.... but of that relationship I desire to have with God.

I want to be passionate about devoting my life to God and His will for my life.

Reaching for Desire..

Something old and something new

2006-03-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

These are my babies from home... i miss them so much:)

Party it up at BJ's with the girls....(um.. yeah.. since I am such a partier:))

My summer Job... Washington... with baby Charlie... :)

In That Moment

2006-03-28T15:28:00.000-08:00

This last Saturday I got to go to a Christian Conference for leaders from various Christian campus'. It was an opportunity to meet some great new people, learn some much needed skills, and get to know some of the leaders that I will be working with this next year. It was a great day and I learned a lot, but something was a little heavier on my heart when I left the gym that afternoon.

A couple of my friends and I were talking about the thought of "Forever" and it made me really start to think.

Have you ever just stopped and really pondered life? The questions that so many times seem to hard to handle.. The ones that I (in particular) try to set aside.

We started talking about how hard it is to comprehend the thought of eternity and I began to question everything that I stand for. Why do I make such a big deal about things that are soon going to slip away. As I walked on.. I started imagining sitting at the Throne of God and wanted so much to please God.

I guess it was on that day, that I started to realize that I am not just living to live. I am living to learn who my creator is. To learn who He wants me to be.

Though I have been a Christian for many years, I think that everyday it is about finding the desire in my heart to grow closer to God. I want very much to spend FOREVER with God and though it makes me head spin to think about forever.. I feel like there is no one else that I would rather spend my life worshiping, than my Abba, Father, Daddy, and Savior!

I know kinda of random.. But just thoughts coming out on paper..

My very first blog!

2006-03-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

So, my friend Julie (the only person who gets me through the many boring hours at work), told me about this cool thing called blogging... I feel kind of out of the loop, so here is me trying to get computer smart.. um not!

Life is going faster than it ever has in the past, and so I thought I would write down the many thoughts that pass through my CraZy mind.

College always seemed like such a far away time in life and yet as I look back over the last year, it amazes me that I have almost finished an entire year. It is interesting to me to think that at one point I was so intimidated about college, and yet somehow I survived the first year.

The first little while was pretty bumpy.. I missed home, all my friends, and having a room to myself. While I still miss many of those.. I have learned a lot about myself and how to be independent.

I can't believe I only have 5 weeks left.. Then I am done with my first year. My professors decided that the best thing to do is pile on every test, paper, and assignment on my for the next couple of weeks and my roommate is killing me.. But hey I have a light at the end of the tunnel right? I am so jazzed to see what these next couple of weeks hold in store for me!

woo... hoo.. My first real blog! Exciting!!!