Udder Joy

Sometimes life has moments when you feel speechless. When life is so simple and pure.

Today I had one of those moments.

I got to hold little Eisley Claire...less than 24 hours old. So simple and so sweet.

I just held her and thought of life.

About the stage that I am in and realized that I need to slow down.

To feel just one moment at a time.

To realize that life is not as complicated as we want it to be and that we only have one life to live.

She was beautiful. She was absolutely beautiful. She has this adorable little nose and cute little face. She is so soft and wonderful.

I haven't held a baby this fresh since Brenden...and it was so incredible.

I walked away and felt like I was walking on the clouds.

Life is beautiful. God is so incredible in His ability to produce life. That He handcrafts a child in their mother's womb for 9 months and then just at the right time...they come out. That the pain is horrible, but then you are holding a piece of you.

That forever life is different. Kristen was radiant today. Her glow was so magical and she was so meant to be a mother it was incredible. Passionate and natural. JJ and Kristen were so cute. They were so ready and that is what I want someday. They are so in love and now they are ready to bring a new bundle of joy into their lives. SO AMAZING!

Life is fantastic.

My Yellow Brick Road

I had the chance to sit down with Lee McFee last night and what an incredible time I had. She was so encouraging and uplifting. She made me realize what a great place I am at right now. But before I forgot, I wanted to write down something she said.

Just remember... It is God's Yellow Brick road we are following. He is going to take us home...He is going to help up down the path that is our future. Sometimes we wander off the yellow brick road and we often times find ourselves hurting or lost, but we can always get back on the right path.

If we understand that the journey will take us through many uncharted territories....uncharted waters...and over unknown mountains...we can cling to the knowledge that He knows our future. He knows the way and He already has the map. We just need to keep following the Yellow Brick road.

As I look for jobs, start interviewing, and move across the country...I must cling to the knowledge that I want to stay on the Yellow Brick road. Hum... so good!

The heart.

So let me just say...this last week has been tough. Honestly, one of the hardest weeks i have faced in a really really long time.

So my question is, what do you do when you know that you care for someone so much that you must break their heart?

When you know that no matter what you say and no matter how much you try to explain, it just will not be okay? That your answers will never be right? That they did nothing, but you still broke them to pieces?

But when you know what your heart is telling you, you must follow through. And while I feel like a horrible person, I also know that looking back...I did the right thing.

I have never been through this before. I have never felt a broken heart and I am pretty sure that my heart is sitting in pieces on the floor right next to me. To care so much for a person that you want the best for them...but they don't understand....it hurts! It is horrible actually. To talk to someone everyday for months and then you pass him and can't even say a word? Heartwrenching.

But today, I picked up one of the pieces off the floor. I started dreaming again and I starting breathing again. I realized that I followed my heart and now i am going to start chasing after what my heart is telling me to chase after.

I am going to Europe. I am going to Italy, Greece, and Spain. I am going on a 12 day cruise and I am freaking out. I am so excited and ready to explore and relax. holy smokes...I am going to Europe.

And I want to go to a fashion show. And I want to skydive. And I want to work in a Children's Hospital. And I want to move to NC. And I want to read a lot. And I want to get a job. And I want to be a great friend. And I want to get healthy. And I want to learn how to play the guitar. And I want to help put on a great Swipe-To-Save this next week! I want to explore:)

This picture in my head.

Last June:
- One night i had a dream. A dream of moving to NC and of loving it. I woke up the next morning with this burning desire to check into the state. To uproot myself and move across the country to a state I had only visited once when I was younger. Bazaar.

But It was on my heart and I knew that unless i actually followed through...i would always wonder.

Monday:
- It was unlike most things. I was not anxious or worried. I was not even scared. But at peace. Knowing that for some reason I needed to go. One time Ken told me that the reason why I had to go...was because it made no sense. He told me that when we are so excited and passionate about something...it just fits. It makes no sense to most of the rest of the world, but to you...it makes udder sense. That is my NC.

I got on the plane and the air was different. A sense of excitement and ahh. I sat down next to the most down to earth young lady who teaches in Raleigh. She told me all about where she lived and the best places to visit in Raleigh. She told me about the community and places to look to live.

I got off the plane and instantly i could see myself here. It wasn't too big, but just right. People held doors, said hello, and were overwhelming nice. I know...i know...there were other people in Cali who are nice...but i just felt welcome!

I walked outside the doors and I instantly saw beautiful blooming trees.

My trip has been incredible. Wilmington was great, but I can see myself in Raleigh. I love it here. I love the trees everywhere, the quiet yet excited atmosphere. I love the college pride right and left. I love the way that people look you in the face and are polite. I love the way that I can imagine myself discovering all the places to see in NC. I want to move here.

It is across the country. I don't know anyone here...and for some odd reason that is what is making this entire thing so incredible. OUT ON MY OWN. I moved 8 hours away...but to a bubble. I want to figure this game out on my own. I want to struggle and discover.

I know that God has made my heart beat differently...and for some odd reason He is making me soooooo excited for NC. I remember visiting Nashville last year and just not feeling right. There was this deep down feeling that I just didn't want to be there. I have almost been waiting for that lurking feeling to creep back up...but nope. (okay..maybe once when i drove through downtown Durham:) haha...not the best part of town). But I love it here.

I think i could go on and on as to why i love it here...but i am going to stop. I do not know if i will be in this state for months/years/ or for the rest of my life...all i know is that I am so excited to start this new journey.

Now as i return to reality tomorrow, I am going to soak up my friend/family/comfort, for it is going to escape very soon. Holy smokes I am about to graduate from college!

Things that make me smile:)

And then it was followed by...

So after the retreat I came back on the top of the world. Everything felt calm and steady. I still had no idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go...but hey that was okay.

And then something amazing happened. I got an e-mail this evening. It was from a women in NC who is looking for a nanny for the summer. She and I had been having some complications when trying to get in touch and finally today something clicked.

Basically she sounds really positive and excited to meet me when I come to NC. The family lives right outside Chapel Hill and both the husband and wife work in the medical field. Which is so amazing, because for some reason I told her that I wanted to get into putting on events at hospitals, and she told me that both huge medical centers had amazing programs. COME ON NOW. Not only would i have the chance to figure out if the area is for me...but maybe have the chance to get connected in the medical world as well. INCREDIBLE.

It just feels right. I know...I haven't landed the job...but right now...i feel so good. Like, why would i lack in faith...when the Father always provides. And...even if this does not work out...i know that there will be something better out there.

So we shall see. But right now...i am floating! I am so excited and preparing for the next phase...whatever that may be.

As for now...

Wow... what an incredible weekend!
I had the opportunity to spend Saturday night and Sunday morning at an incredible lake house in Canyon Lake (outside of Temecula)...with the UP Ra's. Such a blast. It was so fun to just look around and realize that i had 25 amazing friends. To realize that we are all from such different backgrounds, but we all just love on each other.

I ended up staying up until 3 just sitting around talking with a bunch of the boys...and Monica and Danielle...it was so much fun!

The next morning I had the chance to wake up and spend sometime on the lake. I just sat on the shore and journal ed. It was so amazing. I realized that for the first time in months i was hearing silence. Utter silence (besides a few ducks fighting over food!) It was incredible. It really got me thinking. That i desire something so different than most people. As i started thinking about this new transition in my life, i realized that I don't have any answers. But what i do have is a thirst. A thirst to see and feel this life that God has granted me. To move and discover. To dream and run.

For some reason it was just what i was needing. To really trust and be filled with the faith that God had put these desires on my heart and that I just needed to pray, listen, and then go.

So incredible. Utter satisfaction! Pure Joy.

The journey is unclear...but so clear!

So that's how that feels...

Valentines Day 2009.

Yesterday was such a puzzling day. First thing in the morning i get a call from one of my best friends Jess...screaming that she was engaged. ENGAGED??? Could this be happening? Could we honestly be at this point? Where people start settling down and building a family? It hit me so hard...i was shaking from my excitment, yet when my heart calmed I realized something. I have been in denial for a long time that I am at this stage in my life. That I am honestly old enough to be getting ready to graduate and face the real world. To start looking for jobs and start a new life. Honestly...it took a crazy phone call to make me realize that as much as I want it to slow down...i can't. It is here.

So then there was this thing where I like a guy...but i couldn't really tell him fully how i felt about him. Thus... i went out with the ladies. Which would have been amazing, if i could get that dang boy off of my mind.

So as i hit the town with 4 amazing friends I for the first time had a conflicting heart. Where i was enjoying myself...but it was VALENTINES DAY. I had my first Valentine and i almost had to ignore the feelings of my heart. It kinda sucked, because I was not there. I was not in the chicken and waffles and I was not in the sunset. I was not in the discussion over chai and I was not in the car...i was miles away. I love those girls and I on any other night would have been fully in the moment...not this day. Not this day when everywhere I looked there were couples...holding hands...holding dang hands. HA.

It was such a puzzling day. It was a day that felt awkward. AWKWARD.

But the good thing is...i did get to see him. And after i saw him...i got to stay up really really late with my bf. We had a dance party in the dark with glow sticks and M.I.A. :) We laughed our heads off and then we layed on the couch upside down and dreamed of the future. It was incredible. It was the v-day I needed. They were the moments that made me want to curl up into a little ball and cry my eye-balls out. It made me want to hug D and never let her go. It made me realize that I have the best friend in the entire world and i am scared to death how everything is going to change in just a few short months. It made me want to be in the moment. To embrace every chance to just be a kid at heart.

Ps. He got me a book all about North Carolina for V-Day (cutest thing ever!) and it made me realize how excited i am about moving. Terrified but incredibly excited. That i have no idea what NC holds and I have no idea why I must go...but i am so SO so SO intrigued. WOOOOO HOOOO NC!

So there was my V-day. So incredible and complicated and memorable and hard. But so very good.

Exhausted.

Dang...that was brutal.

I don't know what i was thinking a marathon would be like, but it was hard! Maybe it was because of the pavement or because it was 26.2 miles, but it was way harder than i thought possible!

But I think this is just the soreness talking. I am sitting on my couch and almost every bone from my hips down hurts. But looking back i know that in a day or two i will be amazed that I was able to check something off of the bucket list. I can't believe that I trained for 4 months and then went and did it! So incredible.

I think I just kept looking around at all the ppl who were doing it right alongside me and i was amazed at their determination. It was hard, but they kept their heads up! And it was crazy to run down the last mile and see so many of my friends cheering me on! The support was incredible. Running to my parents arms and feeling so incredible when i ran across that line. I did it...26.2 miles!

Ask me in a month if I'm going to do another one...just not today ha.

It's peekin out:)

There is a gap in the clouds. There is a little ray of sunshine and it is hitting my heart.
There are still big fluffy clouds, but they are getting lighter and brighter.
The blue is beginning to show.

God is so amazing. His perfect timing is so reassuring. Sometimes life is filled with the unknown and uncertain, but in the end...He is still in control.

I thank God for these experiences, these journey's, these trials. They only make me stronger.
That one day i will look back and realize that though it did not make sense at the time, His plan was so much bigger than mine.

Thanks for all the prayers.

A hard day.

Today was a very hard day.

The tears came, my heart hurts.
I have lots of questions.
The person i wish i could talk to the most i feel like i can't call.

This isn't supposed to be how it is.
The rain is here today.

But i am praying for Sunshine tomorrow.

me.

Are we already here?

I was sitting around with a bunch of my friends last night and i just started thinking. We were reflecting on a bunch of different things that have happened over the last few years and it was amazing to me where we are right in this moment.

I watched as two of my friends prepared for tests that would make them the controllers of an entire classroom of little people. The amazing opportunity to touch the lives of children.

Another friend who is knee deep in her studies to become a life-saver. To assist doctor's in their fight to help keep life. Her complete discipline and determination to rock her classes and her joy that is intoxicating.

My other friend who is a dreamer. Who wishes to have at least a glimpse of what the future holds, but is trying to be in the moment as well. The fact that she is so beyond capable, sometimes i would imagine this being her main problem. She is so talented and gifted that it is almost too scary to have to figure out where to start.

And then my other friend. The artist. The free soul. She is so inspirational. Watching her navigate is truly an honor.

One of these girls was babysitting her little cousin and he was having a tough time going to sleep. It was incredible to me what i think i noticed. After a time, I offered to have my hand in trying to help soothe him. As I started reading him a book, I realized that God has given me a gift with children. I have no idea why it is so easy for me to comfort children, but it just comes naturally. As I laid with him and rubbed his eye's i thought about life. Could we be at this point?

The point where we move away, follow our dreams, and meet our futures head on? Is this the moment when we get married, have kids, and enter the next stage. Now, don't worry...i am not meaning that this is going to be anytime soon...but this is the next stage. The stage in which these kids will be my own and this picture will be mine.

It made me realize that i have a lot of dreams, but the idea of being a mother is also exciting. For some reason I have a heart for children! I think for the first time i realized that being a mother will be a dream come true! Other people's kids are great, but the bond i know i will one day share with my own children will be incredible. (But...it won't happen for at least another few years...my few being 5 or 7 haha). But when that moment comes, i think it will be just right.

Last night was bittersweet. These moments make me realize how fast life goes and that the future is right on top of us. We graduated high school thinking that college would last forever, but it hasn't. It is almost over. So as I press onto the future, I want to cling to the present. For I know that I can learn a lot from each of my friends, professors, and from this school. For before we know it...it will all just be a memory.

Happy.

Life is amazing.

It doesn't fit in a pretty little box.
It is the warm sun on my face.
It is the freedom as i leave work...ha.
It is that little smile i get on my walk to the cafe.
It is three boys squishing into CBU's latest statue.
It is having girl talk and being so excited for others upcoming additions.
It is the taste of cheeze-its.
It is music blasting in a blue BMW...pedal to the medal.
It is the voice of my parents on the phone.
It is the joy i feel in my heart when i see others succeed.
It is John Mayer late at night.
It is the excitement to see a long lost friend in the morning.
It is feeling so at home.
It is having no idea what i want and soaking up every single minute of the unpredictability.


I am really happy. My last semester starts in less than two days and I am ready. Ready to go out with a bang. Ready to enjoy the little things and say "no" to the un-needed. I am ready to laugh and cry, to prepare and just experience. WOO hoo... Last semester senior year...baby!!! I got this !!!

My new found love:

So I had homework from Ken this last week.
Take 100 photo's.
Bad IDEA!
In one week...i will have no camera and I think i might cry.

I am in love with photography. I am in love with the story that is hidden in their eyes. I had the opportunity to take a picture of each of my family members at the Ranch. What an amazing opportunity. I haven't had the chance to post the pictures yet, but what I found was a story in their face. I know...they are not typical photo's but they make me smile. The little things that so depict who they are and the story they live.

Then today, back in Cali we went bowling. I was watching this little girl with her dad and it was amazing. She was 2 1/2 and it was her first trip to the bowling alley. The joy that was found in a simple little pink bowling ball was powerful. She would roll the ball down the lane and run back to the ball returner...just waiting for her ball to magically appear. Her little smile and intoxicating happiness tainted my entire experience.

I finally had the guts to ask her dad if i could try taking some pictures of her and he was delighted to hear that I would e-mail him some of the pictures i captured.

I have no idea why these little things are making such an impact on my life, but for some reason the stories that people carry around are incredibly fascinating to me. I would love to travel around the world snapping pictures of people in their element. Today, It was just one little girl with her daddy out for a day at the lanes. Who knows what tomorrow will hold.

Something in their eye's

People captivate me. The story in their eye's is ever changing. The lines on their face almost capturing the story that is so hidden in their heart. I could spend hours scouring the Internet for new photographers who have been able to capture a little of this on their camera.

The story of a life filled with hard work and heartbreak. The story of a young women meeting the man she will marry for the first time. The look of a young boys face covered in coal after another long day in the mines. Little eye's captured by their new teachers words.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/photo-contest/2007-winners

AMAZING....AMAZING.

I do not know why photography takes me to a different place. I can't capture the words of how it makes my heart feel. It makes me want to know their stories, to hear their hearts, and to share in their lives.

Standing in front of two pictures I am amazed by what unfolds in front of my eye's. The first picture is of a strong looking business man with his delicate wife. He is well dressed and confident. The picture to my left holds a man who has been weathered by life. His overalls are torn and his hands are raw from the hours of working the land. Both men are living a life. Both are living out their stories.

The amazing thing to me is that both these men are filled with life. They have struggled and overcome. They have created and destroyed. They have felt love and the pang of loss. They have faced battles and been blessed.

The thing is....we are all connected! We all have a story and we all need love. No matter what face we decide to put on, there is a story.

Maybe photography is just how God helps me understand people a little better. Helps me fill this often un-loving heart with love. To begin to see the little things in life. Because after all...it is the little things that create the big picture.

Christmas time...

Frank Sinatra is floating through the air, I am wrapped in an over sized duvet comforter and I am happy. My heart is almost beaming. I have been sitting on this couch contemplating life for a few hours now and I am concluding....life is amazing.

It is amazing to know how much growth has taken place in just one year. It is incredible to be able to really feel at the pit of your stomach the truth. It is fantastic to finally have a grip on who I am and what I represent.

I have a lot of dreams for this next year and a lot of things that I would love to discover. I have a feeling that a lot of changes will be made and that I may not always be sure of where i am going, but i am positive that everything will turn out okay.

I am blessed with the relationships around me and I am so lucky to have been given the chance to live the life I do. Today is magical. God is so good.

Something different this year!

I had been sitting on my couch for four hours by then. Almost like a hermit…surrounded by exploding notebooks, a very hot laptop, and way too many syllabuses. Outside my window the clouds were dark and one would think this would give a person the ambition to stay inside and get those papers done, right? WRONG! I needed out.

So, before I could remind myself of all the things that were on my finals to-do list, I grabbed my brand new blue pea coat and keys, and hit the road.

Most of my friends know that I am not really the shopping type. The idea of spending hours trying to find that one perfect Christmas gift is not my idea of fun. But the truth is, with only 14 days of Christmas shopping left and way too much studying to do, I must utilize the time I have. Therefore, I grabbed a chai tea latte, my Christmas list and charged the doors.

But something crazy happened! I walked in…found my gifts…and walked out. No rush, no anxiety, no moody people. It was amazing. The mall was terrific. People were all smiling and getting ready for the upcoming festivities. I could not figure out if it was me or if something had changed.

I think the sad truth is that it has taken me 22 years to finally appreciate the season. I mean I am a gift giver, so by nature I have always slightly freaked out when it comes to the perfect gift. But this year, I realized that most people won’t even remember what I gave them a year from now. But, the smell of the sticky buns floating up the stairs Christmas morning and the screams as we fight over another game of NERTS will stay in my memory for years to come. It won’t be the perfect gift card that I found or the amazing sale item that I snagged, but the incredible conversations I had with my entire family around the fireplace that will mark this season.

As I plopped back down on that cluttered couch that day, I had a little smile on my face. For I was only 2 papers, 2 group projects, and 1 test away from a great break with the family!

Happy Holidays, Shy

Oh the weather outside is freightful!

Oh yes, it is raining. I am so excited because finally it is cold and rainy outside. I don't know why...but in 80 degree weather it just doesn't feel much like Christmas. I am 2 group projects, 2 Christmas/graduation parties, 3 check-outs, and 4 hours of work from being done!!!!

Then only one more semester...dang! Where in the world did my college years go?

Chris Brown + Glow Sticks

Okay...so I tend to forget to write down the crazy things that happen in college.

Here is the set up:

2 overly tired college girls
1 Chris Brown Song
2 Glow Sticks
1 Ikea lamp
= Late night extra amazing dance party

I swear I almost lost it last night. So Deanna and I were overly tired...it being 1 in the morning and all, but we started playing this stupid name that artist song and before I knew it...we were having a dance party! We were both laughing so hard at ourselves!

It just started with a simple game...then we added disco lights (me flipping the switch up and down) and then Deanna added the final component with glow sticks. I don't think that I have had that much fun in a long time. Good times:)

p.s. yes we are total dorks and we love it!!!

I was here...

For the past couple of weeks i have been in a kind of funk. Not one of those all out depressed moods, but one of those periods of life filled with a ton of reflection. So I thought I would share.

This semester has been rough. This summer I really worked on trying to figure out who I am and what I love. I was on a roll...trying the things I thought I would never try and crossing things off my bucket list constantly. But then the thing I was scared about most happened. I came back to school and things kinda stayed the same. I got back into routine
...school...work...RA...friends...marathon training... trying to breath in the middle of all of it. But something started happening.

I started loosing days to my busy schedule. I became that go-to-girl again. While at the same time freaking out because I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. That is such crap!

Something really hit me the other day as I talked with Ken. I told him about some of my struggles and he told me that I was too focused on the big picture. I was allowing the thought of the future to stop me from embracing my present. It was the small things that would dictate the rest of my life and I was forgetting to relish those small moments. How are we supposed to know what God has put on our hearts if we are so worried about finding the big picture now.

I know that God put certain hidden things in my heart, that I will progressively see glimpses of a little at a time...but I was letting life stop that discovery.

I guess at the same time, I had to go through this period to realize what I don't like. To realize that I am letting the last year of college slip by. That I can use my weekends and time off to really search and find out what little things are tucked back in my heart. And begin to say "No" to certain things so that I have the chance to really love what i spend my time doing.

I was listening to this song called "I was here..." by Lady Antebellum and it was amazing. It is talking about all the different passions people have and how they have left their mark. I want to do something that matters and that at the end of it all (if that is tomorrow...or 60 years from now) that i spent my last breath being passionate. I want to not just float by, but create magic. I want to spend my days loving people and finding out their story. I want to reach my handout and help someone up when they are down. I want to be the encouragement to that person when they have no one else supporting them.

So, as I have one last week of school before break. I am going to use this opportunity to do something amazing this week. I am going to do something on my bucket list. Do i know what it is yet... not exactly...but it will come to me.

Be inspired today. Figure out one little thing that you love today and do it! For there is a reason that God placed it on your heart and if you chose to follow it...maybe just maybe you will find your future.