The heart.

So let me just say...this last week has been tough. Honestly, one of the hardest weeks i have faced in a really really long time.

So my question is, what do you do when you know that you care for someone so much that you must break their heart?

When you know that no matter what you say and no matter how much you try to explain, it just will not be okay? That your answers will never be right? That they did nothing, but you still broke them to pieces?

But when you know what your heart is telling you, you must follow through. And while I feel like a horrible person, I also know that looking back...I did the right thing.

I have never been through this before. I have never felt a broken heart and I am pretty sure that my heart is sitting in pieces on the floor right next to me. To care so much for a person that you want the best for them...but they don't understand....it hurts! It is horrible actually. To talk to someone everyday for months and then you pass him and can't even say a word? Heartwrenching.

But today, I picked up one of the pieces off the floor. I started dreaming again and I starting breathing again. I realized that I followed my heart and now i am going to start chasing after what my heart is telling me to chase after.

I am going to Europe. I am going to Italy, Greece, and Spain. I am going on a 12 day cruise and I am freaking out. I am so excited and ready to explore and relax. holy smokes...I am going to Europe.

And I want to go to a fashion show. And I want to skydive. And I want to work in a Children's Hospital. And I want to move to NC. And I want to read a lot. And I want to get a job. And I want to be a great friend. And I want to get healthy. And I want to learn how to play the guitar. And I want to help put on a great Swipe-To-Save this next week! I want to explore:)

This picture in my head.

Last June:
- One night i had a dream. A dream of moving to NC and of loving it. I woke up the next morning with this burning desire to check into the state. To uproot myself and move across the country to a state I had only visited once when I was younger. Bazaar.

But It was on my heart and I knew that unless i actually followed through...i would always wonder.

Monday:
- It was unlike most things. I was not anxious or worried. I was not even scared. But at peace. Knowing that for some reason I needed to go. One time Ken told me that the reason why I had to go...was because it made no sense. He told me that when we are so excited and passionate about something...it just fits. It makes no sense to most of the rest of the world, but to you...it makes udder sense. That is my NC.

I got on the plane and the air was different. A sense of excitement and ahh. I sat down next to the most down to earth young lady who teaches in Raleigh. She told me all about where she lived and the best places to visit in Raleigh. She told me about the community and places to look to live.

I got off the plane and instantly i could see myself here. It wasn't too big, but just right. People held doors, said hello, and were overwhelming nice. I know...i know...there were other people in Cali who are nice...but i just felt welcome!

I walked outside the doors and I instantly saw beautiful blooming trees.

My trip has been incredible. Wilmington was great, but I can see myself in Raleigh. I love it here. I love the trees everywhere, the quiet yet excited atmosphere. I love the college pride right and left. I love the way that people look you in the face and are polite. I love the way that I can imagine myself discovering all the places to see in NC. I want to move here.

It is across the country. I don't know anyone here...and for some odd reason that is what is making this entire thing so incredible. OUT ON MY OWN. I moved 8 hours away...but to a bubble. I want to figure this game out on my own. I want to struggle and discover.

I know that God has made my heart beat differently...and for some odd reason He is making me soooooo excited for NC. I remember visiting Nashville last year and just not feeling right. There was this deep down feeling that I just didn't want to be there. I have almost been waiting for that lurking feeling to creep back up...but nope. (okay..maybe once when i drove through downtown Durham:) haha...not the best part of town). But I love it here.

I think i could go on and on as to why i love it here...but i am going to stop. I do not know if i will be in this state for months/years/ or for the rest of my life...all i know is that I am so excited to start this new journey.

Now as i return to reality tomorrow, I am going to soak up my friend/family/comfort, for it is going to escape very soon. Holy smokes I am about to graduate from college!

Things that make me smile:)

And then it was followed by...

So after the retreat I came back on the top of the world. Everything felt calm and steady. I still had no idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go...but hey that was okay.

And then something amazing happened. I got an e-mail this evening. It was from a women in NC who is looking for a nanny for the summer. She and I had been having some complications when trying to get in touch and finally today something clicked.

Basically she sounds really positive and excited to meet me when I come to NC. The family lives right outside Chapel Hill and both the husband and wife work in the medical field. Which is so amazing, because for some reason I told her that I wanted to get into putting on events at hospitals, and she told me that both huge medical centers had amazing programs. COME ON NOW. Not only would i have the chance to figure out if the area is for me...but maybe have the chance to get connected in the medical world as well. INCREDIBLE.

It just feels right. I know...I haven't landed the job...but right now...i feel so good. Like, why would i lack in faith...when the Father always provides. And...even if this does not work out...i know that there will be something better out there.

So we shall see. But right now...i am floating! I am so excited and preparing for the next phase...whatever that may be.

As for now...

Wow... what an incredible weekend!
I had the opportunity to spend Saturday night and Sunday morning at an incredible lake house in Canyon Lake (outside of Temecula)...with the UP Ra's. Such a blast. It was so fun to just look around and realize that i had 25 amazing friends. To realize that we are all from such different backgrounds, but we all just love on each other.

I ended up staying up until 3 just sitting around talking with a bunch of the boys...and Monica and Danielle...it was so much fun!

The next morning I had the chance to wake up and spend sometime on the lake. I just sat on the shore and journal ed. It was so amazing. I realized that for the first time in months i was hearing silence. Utter silence (besides a few ducks fighting over food!) It was incredible. It really got me thinking. That i desire something so different than most people. As i started thinking about this new transition in my life, i realized that I don't have any answers. But what i do have is a thirst. A thirst to see and feel this life that God has granted me. To move and discover. To dream and run.

For some reason it was just what i was needing. To really trust and be filled with the faith that God had put these desires on my heart and that I just needed to pray, listen, and then go.

So incredible. Utter satisfaction! Pure Joy.

The journey is unclear...but so clear!