My new found love:

So I had homework from Ken this last week.
Take 100 photo's.
Bad IDEA!
In one week...i will have no camera and I think i might cry.

I am in love with photography. I am in love with the story that is hidden in their eyes. I had the opportunity to take a picture of each of my family members at the Ranch. What an amazing opportunity. I haven't had the chance to post the pictures yet, but what I found was a story in their face. I know...they are not typical photo's but they make me smile. The little things that so depict who they are and the story they live.

Then today, back in Cali we went bowling. I was watching this little girl with her dad and it was amazing. She was 2 1/2 and it was her first trip to the bowling alley. The joy that was found in a simple little pink bowling ball was powerful. She would roll the ball down the lane and run back to the ball returner...just waiting for her ball to magically appear. Her little smile and intoxicating happiness tainted my entire experience.

I finally had the guts to ask her dad if i could try taking some pictures of her and he was delighted to hear that I would e-mail him some of the pictures i captured.

I have no idea why these little things are making such an impact on my life, but for some reason the stories that people carry around are incredibly fascinating to me. I would love to travel around the world snapping pictures of people in their element. Today, It was just one little girl with her daddy out for a day at the lanes. Who knows what tomorrow will hold.

Something in their eye's

People captivate me. The story in their eye's is ever changing. The lines on their face almost capturing the story that is so hidden in their heart. I could spend hours scouring the Internet for new photographers who have been able to capture a little of this on their camera.

The story of a life filled with hard work and heartbreak. The story of a young women meeting the man she will marry for the first time. The look of a young boys face covered in coal after another long day in the mines. Little eye's captured by their new teachers words.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/photo-contest/2007-winners

AMAZING....AMAZING.

I do not know why photography takes me to a different place. I can't capture the words of how it makes my heart feel. It makes me want to know their stories, to hear their hearts, and to share in their lives.

Standing in front of two pictures I am amazed by what unfolds in front of my eye's. The first picture is of a strong looking business man with his delicate wife. He is well dressed and confident. The picture to my left holds a man who has been weathered by life. His overalls are torn and his hands are raw from the hours of working the land. Both men are living a life. Both are living out their stories.

The amazing thing to me is that both these men are filled with life. They have struggled and overcome. They have created and destroyed. They have felt love and the pang of loss. They have faced battles and been blessed.

The thing is....we are all connected! We all have a story and we all need love. No matter what face we decide to put on, there is a story.

Maybe photography is just how God helps me understand people a little better. Helps me fill this often un-loving heart with love. To begin to see the little things in life. Because after all...it is the little things that create the big picture.

Christmas time...

Frank Sinatra is floating through the air, I am wrapped in an over sized duvet comforter and I am happy. My heart is almost beaming. I have been sitting on this couch contemplating life for a few hours now and I am concluding....life is amazing.

It is amazing to know how much growth has taken place in just one year. It is incredible to be able to really feel at the pit of your stomach the truth. It is fantastic to finally have a grip on who I am and what I represent.

I have a lot of dreams for this next year and a lot of things that I would love to discover. I have a feeling that a lot of changes will be made and that I may not always be sure of where i am going, but i am positive that everything will turn out okay.

I am blessed with the relationships around me and I am so lucky to have been given the chance to live the life I do. Today is magical. God is so good.

Something different this year!

I had been sitting on my couch for four hours by then. Almost like a hermit…surrounded by exploding notebooks, a very hot laptop, and way too many syllabuses. Outside my window the clouds were dark and one would think this would give a person the ambition to stay inside and get those papers done, right? WRONG! I needed out.

So, before I could remind myself of all the things that were on my finals to-do list, I grabbed my brand new blue pea coat and keys, and hit the road.

Most of my friends know that I am not really the shopping type. The idea of spending hours trying to find that one perfect Christmas gift is not my idea of fun. But the truth is, with only 14 days of Christmas shopping left and way too much studying to do, I must utilize the time I have. Therefore, I grabbed a chai tea latte, my Christmas list and charged the doors.

But something crazy happened! I walked in…found my gifts…and walked out. No rush, no anxiety, no moody people. It was amazing. The mall was terrific. People were all smiling and getting ready for the upcoming festivities. I could not figure out if it was me or if something had changed.

I think the sad truth is that it has taken me 22 years to finally appreciate the season. I mean I am a gift giver, so by nature I have always slightly freaked out when it comes to the perfect gift. But this year, I realized that most people won’t even remember what I gave them a year from now. But, the smell of the sticky buns floating up the stairs Christmas morning and the screams as we fight over another game of NERTS will stay in my memory for years to come. It won’t be the perfect gift card that I found or the amazing sale item that I snagged, but the incredible conversations I had with my entire family around the fireplace that will mark this season.

As I plopped back down on that cluttered couch that day, I had a little smile on my face. For I was only 2 papers, 2 group projects, and 1 test away from a great break with the family!

Happy Holidays, Shy

Oh the weather outside is freightful!

Oh yes, it is raining. I am so excited because finally it is cold and rainy outside. I don't know why...but in 80 degree weather it just doesn't feel much like Christmas. I am 2 group projects, 2 Christmas/graduation parties, 3 check-outs, and 4 hours of work from being done!!!!

Then only one more semester...dang! Where in the world did my college years go?

Chris Brown + Glow Sticks

Okay...so I tend to forget to write down the crazy things that happen in college.

Here is the set up:

2 overly tired college girls
1 Chris Brown Song
2 Glow Sticks
1 Ikea lamp
= Late night extra amazing dance party

I swear I almost lost it last night. So Deanna and I were overly tired...it being 1 in the morning and all, but we started playing this stupid name that artist song and before I knew it...we were having a dance party! We were both laughing so hard at ourselves!

It just started with a simple game...then we added disco lights (me flipping the switch up and down) and then Deanna added the final component with glow sticks. I don't think that I have had that much fun in a long time. Good times:)

p.s. yes we are total dorks and we love it!!!

I was here...

For the past couple of weeks i have been in a kind of funk. Not one of those all out depressed moods, but one of those periods of life filled with a ton of reflection. So I thought I would share.

This semester has been rough. This summer I really worked on trying to figure out who I am and what I love. I was on a roll...trying the things I thought I would never try and crossing things off my bucket list constantly. But then the thing I was scared about most happened. I came back to school and things kinda stayed the same. I got back into routine
...school...work...RA...friends...marathon training... trying to breath in the middle of all of it. But something started happening.

I started loosing days to my busy schedule. I became that go-to-girl again. While at the same time freaking out because I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. That is such crap!

Something really hit me the other day as I talked with Ken. I told him about some of my struggles and he told me that I was too focused on the big picture. I was allowing the thought of the future to stop me from embracing my present. It was the small things that would dictate the rest of my life and I was forgetting to relish those small moments. How are we supposed to know what God has put on our hearts if we are so worried about finding the big picture now.

I know that God put certain hidden things in my heart, that I will progressively see glimpses of a little at a time...but I was letting life stop that discovery.

I guess at the same time, I had to go through this period to realize what I don't like. To realize that I am letting the last year of college slip by. That I can use my weekends and time off to really search and find out what little things are tucked back in my heart. And begin to say "No" to certain things so that I have the chance to really love what i spend my time doing.

I was listening to this song called "I was here..." by Lady Antebellum and it was amazing. It is talking about all the different passions people have and how they have left their mark. I want to do something that matters and that at the end of it all (if that is tomorrow...or 60 years from now) that i spent my last breath being passionate. I want to not just float by, but create magic. I want to spend my days loving people and finding out their story. I want to reach my handout and help someone up when they are down. I want to be the encouragement to that person when they have no one else supporting them.

So, as I have one last week of school before break. I am going to use this opportunity to do something amazing this week. I am going to do something on my bucket list. Do i know what it is yet... not exactly...but it will come to me.

Be inspired today. Figure out one little thing that you love today and do it! For there is a reason that God placed it on your heart and if you chose to follow it...maybe just maybe you will find your future.

Once in a blog mood...always in a blog mood.

Look at my past few blog moments... once i start... i just can't seem to stop.

North Carolina.

Sometimes i wonder if i am just running away.

But from what?

Sometimes I wonder if i can actually do it.

Sometimes I wonder what will happen if i don't.

Sometimes I am so homesick for a place i have never been.

Sometimes I am scared i will hate it.

Sometimes I wish i was moving tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish it was never coming.

Sometimes I see the house, the neighbors, the kids in the front yard.

Sometimes I already miss my parents.

Sometimes I want seasons.

Sometimes I can't believe that i am almost at that point in life.

Sometimes I want to push it away.

Sometimes I want to put my roomie in a suitcase and keep her with me forever.

Sometimes I am scared out of my mind and yet so ready.

Sometimes I wish i had any idea as to what life will end up being like.

Sometimes I want to taste every second and others i wish to speed up.

Sometimes I search the internet for hours... for potential aptments, jobs, ideas.

Sometimes I can't think about it.

Sometimes I put on the strong and confident face.

And Sometimes I just want to cry.

Secrets

So tonight i was introduced to such an amazing thing... postsecrets. Um... wow that is basically what i have to say. I sat at Barnes and Nobles with Deanna for a few hours just reading the raw secrets that people had been hiding deep inside for so long. It was so facinating to me the wide array of secrets that people tend to keep hidden.

But what struck me so much was the masks that we all wear. The fact that we have ONE life and ONE opportunity make the most out of life and yet we let little things stop us. People are so ashamed of their mistakes that they hurt and hinder the rest of their lives. But how often does that happen to me as well? The mistakes and guilt that I carry around because i can't admit that i am scared out of my brains and have screwed up right along side them?

My questions is... if we all took a post-it and wrote down our secrets and read them aloud, would we finally see that we are all hurting and are wounded, that we all are just trying to be something in the world and that we truly need each other.

Some of the postcards almost tore my heart out, not because they were so out there...but because i have felt many of them before. But... noone knows, because noone can let those secrets out. Sad day.

11:36

So tonight was a bunch of nothing and yet amazing at the same time. My roommate is an amazing influence on my life. She makes me want to get all my crap done so we can race around campus doing basically nothing.... but everything at the same time. Wednesday Starbucks tradition night is amazing. Why do we go? No one knows and most likely no one will ever know. Hum... It gives us a reason to hang and chill and not think of anything important for a while.

So tonight i was hanging out with 5 guys and we basically sat around talking about nothing in particular. I felt like I was with my brothers and it felt so at home. Sometimes I look back and wonder why i was such a toyboy, but then tonight I remember why. It is not drama... it is just relaxed and calm. It is hilarious and natural. People just chill and let life be what it is. It was so dang refreshing.

This blog is not at all expressing what I feel is tucked back... but hey I am kinda tired and random tonight (it must be the amazing Starbucks water going to my head!) So maybe at a later date I can be real. I mean... this is part of it, but right now I'm just not in the mood.

Breakthrough

I am cookie cutter, i am the all A's, always follow the rules kinda girl. I act like i take risks, but i always stay within the lines. I pose as a bold person but really i am weak. I put the smile on my face and am left empty on the inside. I have the worst fake phone voice!

Tonight I got angry. I do not allow myself to get angry and I got angry. The only bad part was that I acted as though nothing was wrong. I was actually really angry. This emotion was almost foreign to me because I do not allow myself to have this emotion often. So when I released a little bit of frustration outwardly I almost couldn't handle it. I had to walk away and it sucked. I mean... why couldn't i just stand up for myself and tell the entire room what I was feeling?

Right now I am still boiling, but not because I am angry with the situation anymore, but because I am mad at myself for having that emotion. It is my right to be frustrated and yet I can't allow myself to be okay with this.

Now to most of you, you are unaware of the fact that I have been on this personal journey for the summer that is very scary for me. I am reshaping and redefining who i am and who I wanna be. For years I have posed and acted...and now that I see little glimpses of that I hate it.

I do not have it all together! I do not even have half of it together. I am not in my own skin, but in the skin that I think everyone else wants to see. How could i have lived pretty much the last 10 or so years for others? I mean honestly... why have I allowed my definition to be what I think others would like to see?

I am exhausted and done. I am an emotional basket case and am okay with that. I am on this journey to tear down the walls, but since the walls have been so high for so long... it is not going to be a bulldozer that knocks them down, but one single man taking the bricks down one by one.

I think that the scariest part of this whole thing is that I try to look at the entire picture way too often and get super overwhelmed. I do not know who I am anymore and do not even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. (Do not worry..i am not suicidal...just lost).

My map has been completly re-routed and my destination has been redesigned. This is hard stuff and I can't begin to put them into words... but I want to. I want to feel that I am not on this journey alone, but with others. I am scared and tired.

As I was walking down the avenue tonight I realized that I do not feel beautiful. I do not hold my head up and my shoulders back. I do not look at men in the faces and I am not confident. I feel fat about 90 percent of the time and for some gosh dang reason feel that my body is the only reason why someone would feel attracted to me. What the heck? I want to be accepted, but feel denied a lot. I always say yes... and try to never let people down. But do you know what that has gotten me? This crappy feeling... I have hung myself out to dry and I have runaway from who I really am.

But do you know what? I am taking steps. At this very moment I am not sitting in a room with people that are visiting us. I "should" be up there listening to them banter on and make small talk, but I am not into it. I do not want to socialize, I am not in the mood. I am sick of always feeling obligated and doing the "right" thing. It is like this ticking time bomb that is waiting to go off, because i do not do this. I am the nice little hostess that has her life plan already planned out and have all the pieces lined up. BUT I DO NOT.

I am just as lost as every other 21 year old out there. I am freaked out of the future and where life will take me. But I am just trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

Honestly... i think that this is the first time I am glimpsing into who i appear to be and am not satisfied. I do not want to run away from who I really am, but I also do not like who i come across to be. You know... I am deep. I love heart to heart talks and I love sharing in struggles. I want to be the type of person who someone can relate to and who knows will be there at the drop of a hat. I think that looking back at what my friends now first thought of me... it almost kills me. They didn't like me and had the completly wrong idea of who I was. I do not want to appear like that. I do not want to be walking on egg shells but I wanna live a little and not seem so dang perfect and cool all the time. I am not cool and collected all the time!

I am scared that I keep running people off and that it is because I am posing. I am ungrateful a lot of the time when I should be thankful and I talk behind people's backs when I should not. l have cheated before and I am imperfect. I am who I am and want to be honest.

I am not untouchable and do not live in a castle high above everyone else. I want to live a life of joy within my own skin. I want to find who God created me to be, not who I have become because this is not good. I am stressed out 90 percent of the time and most of the decisions I make are to please another person. Where is the stinkin balance? There is none.

Now... usually I would end this note with a positive upbeat little phrase about how great everything is and that life is peachy. That I am going to be thankful and pleased and celebrate today... but right now I just don't feel like that. I am in a bad mood and am feeling like complete crap. So... off to life i go. Maybe just maybe I am on my way to figuring out who i really am. (though I sound kinda dark at this point... the man just pulled off another brick).

SAY

So... I am listening to this song by John Mayer and it really is my song of the moment.

This week has been one brutal week. I got this sweet set up job... nannying two boys (2 and 4) and would get paid bank. Basically all my financial worries would be taken care of for this next school year and I was ready. It was going to be great. I show the first day and realize that something was seriously wrong. Every image of what I thought it was going to be like was thrown out the window... basically this dream job came tumbling down.

The kids are totally undisciplined, the mom is a tade bit crazy...and no money is worth the feeling deep down that this is just not good. As most of you know I am a very loyal person. If i say that I am going to do something, I do it and I try to do it great. So.... the first two days I was caught in this spiders web of wanting to quit but staying loyal. Now, of course this was the first couple of days.... but I felt like I was suffocating. I would sit at the table with the little boy and honestly feel like I couldn't breath. It was this overwhelming feeling. I have never really felt spiritual warfar before... but I am pretty positive this was satan attacking the heck out of me!

I called my dad bawling... now when was the last time i did that? I am pretty confident in my ability to watch kids, but this feeling was unlike anything I have ever felt in my entire life!

So... i started praying and after a lot of tears.... I am gonna say what I need to say. No money is worth the feeling deep down that this is not right. I am going to quit something! I AM GONNA QUIT SOMETHING. It has never felt so good to say that. I am taking care of myself and listening to Gods still small voice.

So today as I go to my last 2 day of work, i am going to put that smile on and then i am high tailing it out of there. I am going to work my butt off... and then tomorrow when I get off... I am going to SAY what I need to say... even if my hands are shaking... and my faith is slightly broken... I am gonna say what I need to say.

I know that God puts little things like this in our lives to help us rely totally and completly on Him. and even without a new job lined up, I am going to trust that the feelings He put on my heart are true and real. WOW... it sucks being an adult at times.

This week has been powerful and emotionally, but really honestly the biggest leap that I have taken in a LONG LONG time... i am taking care of myself!

Through my Dog's Eyes

It is a little brisk but almost a perfect summer evening on the deck... just me and my dogs. I just got to thinking... what is life like through a dog's eyes?

One is old and yellow.... with a white nose and worn face he is well past 12 years old. The other just getting started at 9. Sparky can barly sit down while Terrell could play ball everyday of the week. Today i was just watching Sparky realizing that his life is about to the end and it got me to thinking.

Life must be so interesting from a dogs perspective. One day we are picking them out as little kids so excited to have them at home and the next we are way to busy for them. They just sit and wait for us to come and play... but so often we don't. We leave them to lay in the sun or fetch their own ball. Sad day.

I guess that this week I have really been thinking a lot about life. I have spent a lot of time with my grandma lately who is on the older side. She has had a lot of health problems and needs to be watched constantly. I thought about it the other day and wondered what it must be like for her. Ever since she left home at 18, she has been able to basically take care of herself. Of course she got married and had children, but she has been responsible for herself. It breaks my heart to think that now she needs someone to be with her 90 percent of the time. It is hard for her to get out of her chair and a struggle for her to go without a nap every few hours. I wonder how hard that is for her.

I guess that it makes me want to stay healthy and young as long as possible, not because I don't want to go through the stages of life, but because of how dependent she has become once again.

Sometimes I feel like people tell me that I am too crazy with all these dreams and things I want to try... but having this picture of getting older has shown me how short life really is. I know that my grandma has had so many amazing moments, but it makes me want to spread my wings more now than ever! I want to taste the mango in Africa and walk the grass of Ireland. I want to talk with Canadians and eat rice in Japan. I want to get up off my rear and try the things that seem so distant but are on my heart. Life is so short!

So next week when we put my adorable old dog down, I am going to remember the little moments. The moments when we would put him in my wagon on the back of the riding lawn mower for hours. I will remember the way he would chase his tail around and around. Though we often times left him, He was always there... waiting and hoping we would come back to him.

I want to be that good to people. I want to hold no grudges and play no favorites. I want to listen with open ears and hold back my anger. I want to play just for the heck of it and lay out in the sun because I want to. I want to have a family and live life to the fullest!

I know that this was a kinda funny parrallel. But I guess that I have just had the idea of death on my mind for a day or two and realized that life is going to go way too fast. I want to enjoy all the little moments and play ball with my dogs more!

Back Home Again

Dang I am in a weird space right now. I feel really energized and ready for an amazing summer, but kinda have no direction yet. As of today, I have a weekly babysitting job and nothing else. Now, I have not begun my full blown search since my friend Jess is hanging out in town for another day... but I am excited for the new search.

I cannot believe that I am a senior in college. That is out of control. It is so funny, because I don't know but one day i just woke up and realized i had to be a big kid now. I read this Total Money Makeover book by Dave Ramsey in like 5 days and loved it. I know want to set up an entire budget, figure out how to save as much money as I can this summer and start paying off my car. I am so jazzed that this summer I am going to be able to start making habits that could change the course of the rest of my life. I know that God gives us money, but I tend to spend it in all the wrong ways. I do not need half the crap I buy... but realizing how much I spend is the first big key. We shall see... i wanna get this budget thing down for sure!

I have a lot of goals for this summer...

1. Interview My Grandma
2. Take some Salsa Lessons
3. Build back up to 8 miles
4. Get 5 top-notch informational interviews
5. Laugh a lot!
6. Learn how to budget
7. Learn a few meals to cook
8. Read 10 Books

I think that this summer is going to be weird living at home. It is going to be interesting just learning to be a servant instead of so selfish. I think that I am going to miss my roomate like crazy. I want to soak up this last summer and not allow the days to slip by like they always do. I would love to meet some new faces and make some new friends. I want to dream and think of possibilities that could help me in the future. I want to have a positive attitude and listen for where God is taking me. AHHHHH... i can't believe it is already summer again.

hmmmm....

These last couple of days have been very interesting to say the least. I feel that at times I am overly controlling. Like I want everything to turn out just perfect in my perfect little timing with my perfect image of the future. IF i just set up the right interviews, drive the right roads, and have everything planned out then I will be fine.

YEAH RIGHT... we all know that God has such a sense of humor. He finds it so funny to just take those big plans that we think are perfect and twist them around until they look nothing like what we thought they would.

Obviously this weekend went nothing like I thought it would. Not that it was bad, but it was very different and difficult for me. I don't like to be unprepared and that is where I am. I wanted to step off the plane... land a job, find a home for the summer, and think this place is perfect. Well fat chance to that!!!

I didn't find a job, the house thing fell through, and everything is brown haha (yeah... winter kinda sucks). But ya know... this weekend has been amazing because I began to realize that the plans I have for myself are usually always that plans that God has for me. So... being at ground zero, I realize that I am okay. I am having to trust that God is going to open doors and put my feet where they are supposed to go.

Now.. I had this great conversation with Kevin today about what I am going to do now that I have no set plans. A lot of people in my situation with walk home with their head down and just go back to life. BUT UM... come on now... you all know me better than that.

I am moving to Nashville this summer!!! I want to experience getting through the rough days and not give up. I don't want to live in California this summer... so Nashville here I come. I may hate it, which is highly unlikely since the people here are amazing. I just need to relax and prepare to pray a lot.

Good times. I know that I am going to read this next year and laugh. But... these last few days I have learned how to navigate around a crazy town... make a really great smoothie * now coined the name Shyberry!!! and have just really fallen in love with the great people around here. So... tonight as i lay my head down.... i realize that I have no idea what the future holds, but hey where is the fun in having everything planned???

First Night in Nashville

It was white and bigger than I imagined (it was my PT Cruiser) I threw my bags in and just squealed. I held onto the new car smell as if it were going to leave me in mere seconds. For a whole minute i just sat and took in the feeling of udder freedom. I am a big girl now was all I could think of. I had just rented my first car in a city I was super unfamiliar with and was ready to begin my new journey. I had my directions and off I went. Let me tell you... the road/highways/driving is so different here. I had to navigate and it was amazing. All worries that had been there before now escaped me.

As I got closer to Brentwood I realized that I wasn't in California as I know California anymore. The houses are HUGE and there are actually trees...green... and what they call the suburbs include a large distance in between homes!!!

I pulled up to the Banks house and was completely calm. As many of you know, I have been friends with Kevin for a while, but have not seen him in over a year and a half. I was nervous to see him, but from the second we saw each other it was like it had always been. All my nerves were calm and it was almost like a little piece of home. His house is so huge!!!!

I realized really quick that If I ever live in Nashville... I have to have a smaller house than this. It is so huge that I felt like I was being swallowed up! His basement that he shares with his brother is the size of half my house. HA.

But... on to the good stuff. So we went to this roller skating rink last night to meet up with some of his friends for a birthday party. I met some really nice people who all made me feel super welcome. But there was this guy...

Okay... before you go off thinking that I have met my soul mate... slow down! Ha. I was hanging out feeling slightly awkward with Kev flirting with this other girl (go for it bud... but you left me in the dust)... so I was just watching the roller skaters trying to remember the last time i had been at a rink (def. 6th grade b-day party) and this guy Adam comes over and just stands by me. Now... kinda weird at first... I basically didn't know what to do with myself... but he was so nice.

His story was crazy. He is from South Africa (I found out that South Africa is actually a country within Southern Africa...felt slightly dumb). His parents moved to South Africa before he was born to be missionary's and he just came back 3 years ago to go to College. We talked for like an hour about his passions and how his heart is to go and work with the political aspects and AIDS side of his country. He asked me about why I was in Nashville and it was just a great conversation. I found out that South Africa is huge and 1 in 4 people have AIDS. That is so crazy.

I guess that what I learned from this experience is that sometimes I completely shut off when I am around guys... like I want to wear this bulls-eye that says i am not interested, but this was great. I will most likely never talk to this guy again, but it was such a unique conversation. Without even really knowing each other we just talked about life...college...and our passions. It was really encouraging to meet a guy that was less interested in what I looked like or what i did for fun on Friday nights and more how God was using me and what I wanted out of life. It was so cool!

This morning I woke up and had breakfast with the Banks family. Talk about a different lifestyle. It was really cool just to get to hangout with a different family and bounce ideas off.

So... tonight I have dinner with the family I hope to live with! I am super excited about that.

I forgot to tell you that I met these two ladies on the plane. They were asking me about why i was coming to Nashville and after I told them, they were like oh my gosh we have the perfect women for you to meet. She is trying to start this charity thing and she would love you! I am going to e-mail them and who knows... at this point I have such faith that God is going to put me where I am supposed to be. It is the feeling of udder hope and faith. I am not scared or worried, but just excited for the opportunity to try something new!!!!

WELL.. I am off to church:) - me

Dang... Here goes!

So I am sitting in an Arizona airport on my way to Nashville. Can you believe that I am about to do this? This whole week I have been denying the fact that I am actually doing this, because many times when you want something to get here faster... it takes forever to get her.

But Here I am. When I walk off the plane.. I am ready to take off. I get to rent a car for the first time, try and get a full time summer job (outside of being a nanny), and try and find a place to live! WOO HOO. I am excited because I feel that so many of the lessons i am learning now, I will be able to use in the future. God has been teaching me so much about working with different people and being a leader in a new situation.

Well.. I gotta run. But if you have the time... pray for me! I am excited but really want to listen for God to take me where I am supposed to go:)

- Gotta get on the plane! - Have a great Spring Break:) - shy

I feel like I'm losing them one by one...

Wow... i honestly feel like i am losing them one by one! It is if they walk in the door for one moment, we share some great times, and then out the door they go. These moments are when i laugh so hard I pee my pants and cry so hard my makeup smears. College is hard.

I have made some amazing friends in the last 2 1/2 years of living down here. I have laughed and cried, studied my butt off, sang at the top of my lungs, passed out of exhaustion, and prayed for more time. But honestly, right now life kinda sucks. Tonight, something dawned on me. The college life is so insecure I have no idea why anyone would want to work here. People come and go so quick and everything is so unstable. What the heck. Each semester brings me one step closer to reality and i feel like i can barely breath.

Tonight I really wanted my mom to cry to. As I shut the door, i realized that life was not nor will ever be the same as it was. People are moving on and out. They are going on with their big plans and i need to realize that. But it is hard to imagine letting go again. I mean, i remember leaving high school thinking that my world had come to an end... and it hadn't. But this is different. These girls have my heart. I am a relational person who loves people and hates letting go.

I am scared to go to Nashville. I am scared to possibly find a new home far far away. But there i go jumping ahead again. Like my dad said tonight "they are dreaming big and so are you." I guess that some of my soul sisters are leaving me and I just really want to curl up into a little ball and weep. Honestly, how can i let them go? Jess, my tall deep friend. Her friendship means the world to me and i can't imagine preparing to let her slip. Elena... we are just new friends and i feel like i am so excited for her future but dang... why can't she be a junior??? come on really? But most of all my third PEA. Where have you gone my friend? Life is busy but I miss you like never before. I miss our laughs and chats and real life worries. I miss us! I am scared for the future and the distance. I hope we can soak up all the today's instead of worrying over the tomorrows.

So... here's to TODAY. I am going to stop whining over all the worries and concerns and realize that God has everything in the palm of His hand. That i can just really breath deeply and cling to what I have in the here and now. May I have joy and peace and never ever forget how lucky and blessed I am!

Me Right Now...

Mat Kearney and my bed... a great combo! I am 21 and in a very interesting twisted and complex point in life. I am in this slightly junioriotis slash little kid mood... where so many parts of me are wanting to be grown up and out of this stage while the other part of me is clinging to stay here forever.

Today I was invited to be a part of Alpha Chi, which is that National Honors Society for my school, meaning...I am in the top 10 percential for my class. Now... um.. to think back to high school when i didn't understand anything and was wondering how the heck i was going to make it in college.. i never saw this day coming. It felt really good to be sitting in the little room with just a few others realizing that I am more than i thought i could be.

I am kind of scared to move to Nashville honestly. I have never not been a nanny and that scares the crap out of me! A new job, a new town, and a whole new experience. I feel that many times I have this bold face... but come on now... people I get scared too! I miss my family so much at times I could curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep. I miss the five of us traveling around the world.. the simplier times. I miss flying down the freeway with the boys rocking out to Papa Roach and Linkin Park.. or WELCOME TO ATLANTA.

I guess that at times i fear that I am so closed off that I am unwilling to let anyone in. I guess that i have been single for so long that the idea of have that other person in my life is so foreign i cannot imagine the feeling. Maybe this is my way of controlling things, but i guess i feel almost immune to the single feeling. Seeing people with their significant others doesn't register anything with me anymore.. it is just another day in life. The thing is that i realize that I am only 21 years and I have so many years ahead of me... but i am just trying to learn how to be confident, solid, and ALL ME.

I love country music, leadership books, and new music. I can't handle just sitting around (I get bored!!!) I am a go-getter, suck-up, over achiever and i love it. I am single and on most days.. i am okay with that. I totally procrastinate on almost everything and then i totally stress (WHY.. i often ask myself). I like when people like me and i am trying to work on not caring as much. I am a relationship person who is in between intro and extrovert.

I am struggling with my faith right now. I am struggling in trying to wash out all the words of every other stinkin person out there and just hear God through all the crap. I am struggling in finding what is real and what is not. I am struggling in trying to measure up to this unattainable goal that i feel the Christan world sets up. I am struggling in hearing through all the noise. It is night time and yet i still hear noise. I wish that i would really understand when God says that He is not that complicated, but everything else in my life is complicated ... so how can HE be so easy?

I just finished this book called "Deadly Viper: Character Assasins" which was all about character and Integrity. I LOVED IT!!! and the hard part is that i didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I feel that my heart is so often in a different place (not that they don't have these qualities... but sometimes I am just thinking about crazy things that sound so ridiculous people just laugh). I want to soak up so much knowledge, but not in the so called important things like historical people or things.. but knowledge in treating people with the upmost respect, learning stories, and running a company successfully. Now, I have no idea if i will ever own my own company, but who knows right?

I am a sucker for instruments lately. Chris Botti and the trupet, the paino, the sax, Andrea Bocelli... Josh Groban. Sometimes it just makes me smile to bake something while listening to something so RELAXING.

I really like my roomate a lot! I think that we are different but so similar at the same time. God has blessed my socks off with her. We have been talking a lot about our struggles, excitments, and fears in the last couple of weeks... it is has been slightly terrifying, but amazing at the same time. I am excited to see where she ends up. I just know that she is going to be successful in any area that she ends up in. I feel that we will both be single for a while, but are also not letting that stop us. We are go getters and really passionate about seeing all the colors of the world.

Ya know, i am so spoiled. Sometimes i look around and say.. seriously? Am i living this life or is this all a dream? Yeah, i have worked hard.... but God has blessed me so much. I have heard of the idea of a heaven and hell on Earth and sometimes, I feel like my Heaven is just so amazing on Earth. Thank you God for all that you do for me every single day. If life is even a tiny glimpse of heaven.. I am so excited.

Tomorrow is the kick-off of our new college group Generate! It is going to be amazing. Thus far since our launch in November we have around 240 people coming each week and tomorrow is only going to get better! I am so jazzed to see how God uses Crossroads in the next few years. I am so excited but kind of sad that I won't be here this summer. Well... there i go again thinking too far into the future. I need to just be here... all here! Live life... taste the colors.. even enjoy the rain of which is very hard for me. Smile and say hi to even those who don't appear to like me. Not take life so seriously and laugh more. Stop writing so many to do lists and more to love and try lists.

Well... now.... that i have just rambled and gotten some heart stuff out, i had better go to sleep!

TATA for now:)

Things I want to do before I die...

Here are a few things i would love to get to do before i die...
Ride in a hot air balloon, see a live taping of a tv show, sit down and have a conversation with bono about loving the world, drive a range rover, roam the hills of Ireland, and have coffee with a old couple in Italy. Jump off a pier in Greece, see an Egyptian Pyramid, see the Iguazu Falls, work for a non-profit organization. Meet Rob Bell, see Niagra Falls, help build a water well in Africa. Run a marathon, see Celion Dion in concert, go to a Oprah taping. Help make a wish come true with Make A Wish Foundation, work in the business world, volunteer. I would love to learn how to put on really big events and take another art class. Hold a monkey and have my first valentine. Live in a country house with a big porch and lots of land. Live somewhere that is green, quiet, and has lots of trees. Help fundraise for playpump International. Get married and have kids. See a movie in the park like in the Wedding Planner, ice skate in New York City, see the ball drop from Downtown NYC. See a USC Football game and go to a professional football game. Take a tour of the White House and visit Jerusalem. Take a ferry to Orcas Island again.

My heart is about to burst

Okay, so... here is the story. I am planning on moving to Nashville, TN this summer to experience all the sites and sounds of the city. Now, this is all exciting except for one minor detail.... i forgot to mention i am not going to be a nanny.... thus leaving me with no home, no job, and no guarantee of a amount of money earned over the summer! Dang... exciting (ha... more like CRAZY right?) I guess that i have been on cloud 9 for the past couple of weeks, but now reality is beginning to set in.



I was making my plans to visit during Springbreak which is in March and reality began to settle in on my heart. DANG... so crazy. I guess that the actual scary part is that i have a friend who lives outside of Nashville, who i am planning on staying with for a couple of days on this trip. Now, this is a complicated situation because i hate relying on someone. I hate having to borrow a car, eat someones food, and pretty much mooch. Thus leaving me with only one option... figuring out how to handle the situation.



I know that most people would say that i have a long time until summer... but come on people it is only a couple of months away. So... right now, I am trying to calm down and trust that God has this all figured out. If i am supposed to live in Nashville for the summer, i will be put in the right house, get the right job, and learn a lot.



I am sick of hearing all about wanting to get married and settle down... come on ladies, this is our chance to get out there. Though there are the scary days when i want to just sit down and cry because i have no idea where life will take me... it is exhilerating at the same time. I hate bragging about myself and that is what i have to do to get a job, i hate mooching and that is what i have to do, i hate depending on other people and that is what i am about to do!



But i am learning and growing... i have days where i am so confident and other days when i am so doubtful. This is just another one of those days that i am like "what the crap am i doing?" ha. I will get through this and at the end of the tunnel, i will look back and be thankful that God always makes me trust Him. AHHHHHHH......................

Oh... dang... that phone call was tough!

Have you ever had a phone conversation that wipped you out? That left you almost in the gutter? Yep... just had one of those! There is a certain person in my life that has been going though this rocky journey and i have tried to support, but screwed up royally.

I feel that i am at this point in my life where i am kinda lost. It is the point when you begin to realize that you are not a child anymore and have to face the harshness of life. When your parents are not always right and your views begin to change. It is the moment when you begin to see that you are a big mouth and can't afford to be anymore. The moments when you look around and say.. "dang, i am all grown up and have no idea where to go!" This world is so big and i guess that i am realizing that i cannot please everyone.

I may be in a relationship one day that not everyone agrees with or choose a profession that not everyone thinks i should have. I may move or not move, i may go to church or not, i may agree or disagree.... but ya know my life is not revolved around trying to agree or impress or be someone that i am not.

hmmm... interesting... today i told the person what i thought and walked away. Who knows what the future holds, but we shall see i guess!