Breakthrough

I am cookie cutter, i am the all A's, always follow the rules kinda girl. I act like i take risks, but i always stay within the lines. I pose as a bold person but really i am weak. I put the smile on my face and am left empty on the inside. I have the worst fake phone voice!

Tonight I got angry. I do not allow myself to get angry and I got angry. The only bad part was that I acted as though nothing was wrong. I was actually really angry. This emotion was almost foreign to me because I do not allow myself to have this emotion often. So when I released a little bit of frustration outwardly I almost couldn't handle it. I had to walk away and it sucked. I mean... why couldn't i just stand up for myself and tell the entire room what I was feeling?

Right now I am still boiling, but not because I am angry with the situation anymore, but because I am mad at myself for having that emotion. It is my right to be frustrated and yet I can't allow myself to be okay with this.

Now to most of you, you are unaware of the fact that I have been on this personal journey for the summer that is very scary for me. I am reshaping and redefining who i am and who I wanna be. For years I have posed and acted...and now that I see little glimpses of that I hate it.

I do not have it all together! I do not even have half of it together. I am not in my own skin, but in the skin that I think everyone else wants to see. How could i have lived pretty much the last 10 or so years for others? I mean honestly... why have I allowed my definition to be what I think others would like to see?

I am exhausted and done. I am an emotional basket case and am okay with that. I am on this journey to tear down the walls, but since the walls have been so high for so long... it is not going to be a bulldozer that knocks them down, but one single man taking the bricks down one by one.

I think that the scariest part of this whole thing is that I try to look at the entire picture way too often and get super overwhelmed. I do not know who I am anymore and do not even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. (Do not worry..i am not suicidal...just lost).

My map has been completly re-routed and my destination has been redesigned. This is hard stuff and I can't begin to put them into words... but I want to. I want to feel that I am not on this journey alone, but with others. I am scared and tired.

As I was walking down the avenue tonight I realized that I do not feel beautiful. I do not hold my head up and my shoulders back. I do not look at men in the faces and I am not confident. I feel fat about 90 percent of the time and for some gosh dang reason feel that my body is the only reason why someone would feel attracted to me. What the heck? I want to be accepted, but feel denied a lot. I always say yes... and try to never let people down. But do you know what that has gotten me? This crappy feeling... I have hung myself out to dry and I have runaway from who I really am.

But do you know what? I am taking steps. At this very moment I am not sitting in a room with people that are visiting us. I "should" be up there listening to them banter on and make small talk, but I am not into it. I do not want to socialize, I am not in the mood. I am sick of always feeling obligated and doing the "right" thing. It is like this ticking time bomb that is waiting to go off, because i do not do this. I am the nice little hostess that has her life plan already planned out and have all the pieces lined up. BUT I DO NOT.

I am just as lost as every other 21 year old out there. I am freaked out of the future and where life will take me. But I am just trying to breath and take it one day at a time.

Honestly... i think that this is the first time I am glimpsing into who i appear to be and am not satisfied. I do not want to run away from who I really am, but I also do not like who i come across to be. You know... I am deep. I love heart to heart talks and I love sharing in struggles. I want to be the type of person who someone can relate to and who knows will be there at the drop of a hat. I think that looking back at what my friends now first thought of me... it almost kills me. They didn't like me and had the completly wrong idea of who I was. I do not want to appear like that. I do not want to be walking on egg shells but I wanna live a little and not seem so dang perfect and cool all the time. I am not cool and collected all the time!

I am scared that I keep running people off and that it is because I am posing. I am ungrateful a lot of the time when I should be thankful and I talk behind people's backs when I should not. l have cheated before and I am imperfect. I am who I am and want to be honest.

I am not untouchable and do not live in a castle high above everyone else. I want to live a life of joy within my own skin. I want to find who God created me to be, not who I have become because this is not good. I am stressed out 90 percent of the time and most of the decisions I make are to please another person. Where is the stinkin balance? There is none.

Now... usually I would end this note with a positive upbeat little phrase about how great everything is and that life is peachy. That I am going to be thankful and pleased and celebrate today... but right now I just don't feel like that. I am in a bad mood and am feeling like complete crap. So... off to life i go. Maybe just maybe I am on my way to figuring out who i really am. (though I sound kinda dark at this point... the man just pulled off another brick).

SAY

So... I am listening to this song by John Mayer and it really is my song of the moment.

This week has been one brutal week. I got this sweet set up job... nannying two boys (2 and 4) and would get paid bank. Basically all my financial worries would be taken care of for this next school year and I was ready. It was going to be great. I show the first day and realize that something was seriously wrong. Every image of what I thought it was going to be like was thrown out the window... basically this dream job came tumbling down.

The kids are totally undisciplined, the mom is a tade bit crazy...and no money is worth the feeling deep down that this is just not good. As most of you know I am a very loyal person. If i say that I am going to do something, I do it and I try to do it great. So.... the first two days I was caught in this spiders web of wanting to quit but staying loyal. Now, of course this was the first couple of days.... but I felt like I was suffocating. I would sit at the table with the little boy and honestly feel like I couldn't breath. It was this overwhelming feeling. I have never really felt spiritual warfar before... but I am pretty positive this was satan attacking the heck out of me!

I called my dad bawling... now when was the last time i did that? I am pretty confident in my ability to watch kids, but this feeling was unlike anything I have ever felt in my entire life!

So... i started praying and after a lot of tears.... I am gonna say what I need to say. No money is worth the feeling deep down that this is not right. I am going to quit something! I AM GONNA QUIT SOMETHING. It has never felt so good to say that. I am taking care of myself and listening to Gods still small voice.

So today as I go to my last 2 day of work, i am going to put that smile on and then i am high tailing it out of there. I am going to work my butt off... and then tomorrow when I get off... I am going to SAY what I need to say... even if my hands are shaking... and my faith is slightly broken... I am gonna say what I need to say.

I know that God puts little things like this in our lives to help us rely totally and completly on Him. and even without a new job lined up, I am going to trust that the feelings He put on my heart are true and real. WOW... it sucks being an adult at times.

This week has been powerful and emotionally, but really honestly the biggest leap that I have taken in a LONG LONG time... i am taking care of myself!