As it wraps up...

Only a week left of San Clemente.. crazy how fast the summer flew by. Only a week until true vacation at my home:) i haven't had a true vacation without with work in a really long time and it is going to feel really good not to have any obligations.

I can't say this summer has been my favorite, but it has been interesting. A mix between great days and bad days. I have figured out a lot about myself though in the process. I figured out that i hate having a job where i never feel i am doing just enough. I hate constantly feeling like i am walking on egg shells, when there is really no big problem. I love the way i can just leave and take off on my own special beach trail.

I am going to miss the freedom that i feel in the moments that i watch the random people pass by me on the running path. I am going to miss no traffic and swimming laps in the beautiful private pool. I am going to miss the hard times i have faced, trying to work through what i believe, how i face life, and what journey God has me on. I know the journey will continue, but i haven't been alone this much in my life, and it has given me a lot of time to just be quiet.

I am afraid that my life is going to continue spiralling down this course that seems uncontrollable. I am afraid that i will go back to who i was, forgetting the lessons i have learned this summer.

I am excited about the rich new opportunities i feel are just ahead. I am excited to start listening and seeking others out instead of being the star all the time. I am excited to get healthy again. I am excited to find a new church, a home. I am excited to change the way i may appear to others. I am excited about getting a little closer to graduating, yet freaked out because i don't feel passionate about teaching.

I am jazzed at getting the chance to delve into richer relationships with my friends.

I am a little worried.. might i say really worried i am not going to pass my biology class.

I am slightly worried about my relationship with a certain person. The dependency is becoming more and i don't want it.. all the while i do. I just wish that God would maybe... just maybe put someone else in my life to help stop what is going on.. yet isn't. *i know it totally didn't make sense

I see now what i had always wanted and what i now know i don't need. Thank you God for your ability to make us understand in our own time. i was a spoiled girl this summer and feel the worst in my life. Crazy how that works out huh? But hey the glass is always half full and the darkness is now turning to light. A hand is reaching out to me... saying Baby, i know you were searching, leaving, and now want to return.. i have always been here!


so that most likely didn't make any sense to you... but hey that is why it is Shy's blog right?

Lord, thank you for the RAIN

Mercy Me Sings this song called Bring the Rain! It is amazing:)

This summer has been one of the hardest times in my life! I have been not only battling with my weight, loneliness, doubts, fears, wonders, excitements, quiet and loud moments, but also reflection and change. This song pretty much sums up my summer thus far.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there will be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I think the hardest part of this summer has been me for the first time having to stand in the rain. It is like this great big rain cloud has been over my head and i am just now starting to see the sunshine, through the little break in the clouds. Yet, it has been great. I guess i have been looked at always as being all put together and confident, um... yeah no. It is hard to describe, but i feel sometimes almost everything has to be taken away, for you to see who God really is.

Now most of you know i am living rather nice in a million dollar home, with blessings rocking my socks off.... but i think this was a time God was showing me this side of life so i can understand that wealth is not what i want or need. i feel that in the near future i am going to see the flip side, but to really learn love i have to experience both sides. People with everything hurt just like those with nothing. People struggle and gasp for air. They always think that one more thing will make them happy... yet it never does. So, i guess this is a proclamation, that i feel God gearing me up for a journey. A journey to a different side of life. I can't figure out where that will be, but i am ready.

I am sitting in a room, where the furniture alone is more than people would make in a lifetime in poor countries, which tears my heart out, but also gives me an idea of what i thought i always wanted. Now that i have it, i don't want it. Yet, i feel Him stirring... pushing and grinding.. helping me focus on Him so that i can be his hands and feet. Hard summer = amazing lifetime!

Interesting

So, Cody ( my amazingly random brother who i love with all my heart) has been talking to me about God lately. For the longest time i was so worried that he was so far from God that he would never come back, but i think i was missing it the entire time. He is trying to find God in a way that many of us are afraid to try. He is digging really deep and cutting out the whole religion thing. A month or so ago, we had this entire evening together where we talked about where he was on a spiritual level. IT it fascinating! He started talking to me about how the problem with religion is that everyone is constantly trying to judge their ways against each others, instead of seeing that God wired us differently and to worship differently. Though this was something out of the ordinary for me to think about, i started thinking about this. What if our God is so big that he is seen in so many different forms. Though our entire lives we have been brought up to go to church, say certain things, and believe certain ways... we are really supposed to discover it ourselves. Cody is not against faith, he is opposed to how religion constantly puts people against each other, thus taking our eyes from the important part!

Another interesting thing that i have been wrestling with has been ... how the entire point of life is to love. Honestly.. we are just supposed to love. So what if we stopped teaching other people that our way of belief is right and just teach people to love. because at the root end of all things.. God calls us to Love. IF love opens the doors for people to see that the God we worship is filled with grace, mercy, and forgiveness... then we don't have to use words. WE can preach through our actions and not through strife. I chose to believe that i was not called here to go to the Nations and take my God, but to go to the Nations and point out the amazing love of God and all the places that He is already present, that often times people miss.

I guess my mind has been going in so many different directions lately, and i feel a lot of life i have been striving to be the perfect Christian, when i am on a journey like no other. I love going to a small school, where people love on each other... but at times it is hard to be there. It is hard to hear everyone talking about how we are a school filled with mission, yet we are not using our hands. Where in Riverside have we left our mark? Yeah, so we are nice and polite.. whoopdido! We are so much more than that! Where have we left love? Where have we gotten out of our bubble and stopped worrying so much about the CBU relationships? There are so many homeless, lonely, poor, lost people! We don't need to use big words and try to through the bible in their face! We need to extend a hand and give our time. Now, i am not blaming everyone else, but starting with myself. I have let 2 years go by without really doing anything myself.

I feel this summer has been a really rocky and wild ride for me, just on this personal journey.... so now, as this summer starts to come to a close... i am starting to gear up. I am stomping on the past 2 years.. as a good time of learning, but seeing things i wanna change as well.