Wide Open Spaces

It must be the sea breeze or calm feeling that overtakes my body as i jog down the dusty and dirty trail each evening. I can hear the waves crashing even over the voice of India ari and i smile. It is as if for just one moment in my life i have the choice to do whatever i want... i can continue running or stop and just gaze out at the dolphins splashing in the water. No boss, no obligation, just me and my running shoes.

For the past yearish i have been intrigued by the fact that running can be such an incredible feeling that i have been missing for all these years.

I have been running along the beach in San Clemente for the past week and it is sooo amazing. The richly diverse community of people who call this trail home. It is a mix between innocent children learning how to ride their bikes for the first time and the troublesome teenagers just trying to get through the days. It is the first time parents who live with all the pleasures of this Earthly world and those who are just struggling to get through the month. It is the old man who is just scooting along and the fisherman on the pier just enjoying the last moments of daylight.

For an hour each evening i can just be me. I can sweat and smile. I can throw my hair in a pony and run slow. I can talk with God and not be interrupted.

IF you have never run.... don't start fast... start out slow and enjoy nature... breath in the clean air, listen for those noises we often miss, and breath... we are here another day! RUN:)

The Fat me

This morning in church our pastor was talking about the B-attitudes and focused on Matthew 5:3. It was talking about those who are weak in their spirit will inherit the Kingdom. He was talking about how every single person has a part of their life that is just tearing them up.

His analogy was great, he said.... "now your front door may look manicured with a perfect lawn and flowers... but it is what is on the inside that counts, the deeps secrets of the bedrooms and basement that really determine the inner-workings of a person" It doesn't matter if everyone sees a perfect lawn, eventually they will have to see the inside. We are all broken and hurting with something. It is only when we admit we have a problem and seek Him to heal those wounds that we can begin to heal.

I have struggled with my weight since i was really little. Yes, i have always been tall, but i have always clung to food for some reason. I know that each person holds baggage that they must sort through and find answers to and i am still on that journey. I am not sure what void i am trying to fill with food, but i am desperatly trying to find out what the problem is so that i can once again start the journey to being healthy again.

So i am standing here today to say that the smile and nice tan on the outside may seem great, really in the basement i am not doing good. I feel fat all the time and still eat. I know that in the worlds eye's i might not seem overly overweight, i know that there is a problem.

I feel that Satan has hit different people with different things and today i can see that he has me gasping for air when it comes to food. I do not want to think about food all the time and how i look. I want to be free to live and be free to dance for Jesus. Not this world, but i want my basement to match the smile in the front yard.

Lord - Please fill my life with purpose that will help me not cling to any Earthly thing, but You and you alone. I want to move forward today. Be my source, my strength, and may i keep my eye's upon You at all times. Food cannot and will not dictate my life. - your daughter

Coming Home

This weekend was my little brothers graduation from high school and it hit me really hard. I am not a little kid anymore. There are no more baby steps or parents holding their hands out for me to run into. I threw my cap and tossed my gown and life is here. Going back to my high school was a loud reminder that i want something out of life. I don't need to try and explain every decision, but want to be proud of where i have gone in life.

I am only home for 4 days this summer and that is crazy. Life is moving, people are growing, and if i am not careful life is going to pass me back.

After spending the last 5 hours with 4 of my friends from my past, i realized that i am still clinging to the past when i need to continue to push on into the future. I am not missing anything here back at home and southern California is my new home. I actually missed my school friends when i was in the presence of my high school friends. So... here is to coming home and knowing that God is guiding me into the future. Life may change, but i need to trust, follow, and continue on.