I need you to love me...

Okay... so the question is .... when i say "I love you" am i being real? Or am i always holding something back? Do I love Him enough to give everything else away and stand bare in front of Him? It is so easy to say that i would sacrafice everything... but when i really think about it... am i being honest with myself?

I need You to Love me! Stop this pretending that i can't somehow deserve what i already have.

I feel so often i am acting as though i am giving God everything... but i am not! I am not giving Him anything actually. I am giving Him the pieces but not the whole thing. When am i going to be ready to give the entire thing? And i am pretty sure that He is not going to put distractions in my life until i am ready to sacrafice everything.

It is so hard for me to articulate what i am feeling... and this sucks. Basically i hate falling for a guy who isn't interested. He comes across as interested and then boom... never mind. Something happens and that is over.

Am I really looking for a relationship or just trying to fill a void? This world is so much bigger than CBU. I think i dropped everything at the first signs... but God please fill this gap that is tearing my heart apart. It is this feeling of never being good enough. AHHHH.....

Is this what IT feels like?

So at this point, my life is confusing. Well, basically not... i like a guy and tonight pretty much confirmed that he likes me back. Really?

Sitting around the dinner table tonight talking with all my girlfriends i laughed so hard and smiled so much that my heart could have busted. I realized that we have all been saving ourselves for so long that it is crazy to think that something could be here finally. I know... you are prob. like WOOOO girl slow down, but i just mean.... i feel like i like a guy that stands by all the good things, wants to do something great with his life, and Loves GOD! This is just such a weird place to be, because i see things progressing slowly, but fast at the same time. I love hanging out with him, but also love the fact that he gets along with all my friends too:)

I feel like a 16 year old again... getting the butterflies when he walks up and hate when he leaves. I look forward to the next time i get to see him and am JEALOUS... come on now.. i know i am not supposed to get Jealous... but it is soooo hard not to be. But each time that a little bit of me doubts things... God gives me a little sign to shut up and trust Him. Even if nothing is supposed to happen, He knows my heart and longs to have me fully trust Him.


Lord- I know that you are at the center of everything and Lord as you have me on a new journey i pray that you will help me stay focused. Lord, thank you for the continuous blessings and lessons you are teaching me each day. Lord- Please be with my relationships with my Peas. You know how thick our bond is and i pray that in this time our relationship would only strengthen. Please... Lord - that You would be with this boy. Be His Center and Rock. That any relationship that is formed may be planted on a solid foundation. Lord- please grab our attention and let us always follow you in anything and everything that is to take place. Lord- I thank you for another day to live.. thank you for the sunshine today and the laughter with great friends. You have so richly blessed me so much i don't even have words. May i use everyday for You Lord - Love you, your daughter shy:)

So Complicated!

It is untamed, crazy, and unpredictable. It has a life of its own that i am unable to keep control over and that drives me crazy. I am impatient and want to stay in my little comfortable box. Yes, i am talking about my hair this week, but as i sat down thinking about what i would write about... it dawned on me that my hair is much like my life at this point. I like a boy. And the amazing thing is that i have crazy hair this week and yet that is okay. Now, most girls you talk to would say that they would want to impress the heck out of that one guy. But, my hair is crazy and yet i am not stressing. Now, to most this idea would seem dumb and surfacy. But i think it shows strides.

For years i have looked at the mirror trying to find the little imperfections that i could so called "Fix" to become who i am supposed to be to impress that special someone. but not anymore.

He makes me smile for all these crazy reasons. He drives me crazy cause he is in control. The ball is in his court and i have to wait for the pass. Yet as he showed up at my house last week, i stood in my crazy untamed curly hair... it didn't even phase me, because he has seen me over the last little while, that he knows me for me and not who i want to look like or think i should look like. Straight hair is my box and curly hair is not.

This week i left my straightener with my parents and it was almost like leaving a part of me behind. I realized how much i rely on trying to look good to please those around me, but this is me. The crazy curly haired girl who is loud...passionate....loves to travel.... loves having heart to heart talks with her roomie....loves muffins....and finally feels secure in her looks.

I don't know where this "whatever it may be" will go, but i have to wait. Last week in Relevant (bible study on Wed. nights), Chris was talking about waiting and praying. WAITING. Realizing that things are not always going to happen now, but something ahead is so much more than we could ever imagine. Today, as i pushed Jackson and Hannah in the stroller, I began to pray that God would strip my heart of the need for things to happen NOW. Though the world at CBU consists of RING BY SPRING ladies... i am so far from there.. but still have the desire for that certain person in my life. Though, i desire to be used and feel that i am scared of the distraction this could be in my life.

I think that there are so many parts of me that are on the fence. Do i like this guy or do i not get distracted? Am i scared that i could never really be loved by a man? Am i insecure because so many times i have put my heart out there only to be smashed. But God, really my prayer tonight is that i could be yours. Let me be serenaded by your voice, touch, and grace. God, your compassion for us is so breathtaking. The little things that you place on my heart Lord, please let me be used and wait on your timing. That i would not doubt you... and your will for my life. Lord - please let me TRUST you in all things and fall at your throne everyday.