Where to begin...

This weekend has been rough.

It is a little before 9 on Labor Day and i am surrounded by candles. George Winston is floating in the background and I am truly alone. The weekend crafts are finished, the cookies have been baked, and the apartment has been cleaned. I wondered what this feeling might feel like, but now I am surrounded with quiet and am not sure really how to handle the swirl of emotions swimming in my head.

I am on my own. I am in a state, apartment, bedroom...all alone. There is this mix between freeing and terrifying feelings buzzing in my heart. My near and dear BF moved away from me this weekend and while it was time, it doesn't remove the fact that the quiet is a constant reminder of her departure.

I am a big girl now. I am truly on my own for the first time in my life and it scares the crap out of me. I know that God has, is, and will provide for me...but it is still scary. I am lonely. I am lonely, okay so there i said it.

I felt something this weekend that I haven't felt in a long time. The longing for a man. I think for a long time I pushed away the thought of a man, in fear that i would have to once again divide my time between my best friend and boyfriend. And while that sounds silly, if you had a bf like Deanna you would understand. She is way too cool to neglect.

But with her departure something in my heart burst open. Maybe a brick wall had formed around those desires...and now slowly but surely they are coming down brick by brick. While i feel like i am open to the thought of being in a relationship, I also have a strong inclination that it will still be a while. Which also forces me to really be okay with where God has me. To enjoy the quiet and to continue growing as a single women. To realize that there will be lonely weekends where i am truly alone, but also realize that this may be the only point in my life where I can find the time to breath...learn...and grow...ALONE.

So as the apartment stays quiet for the next who knows how long...i will rejoice in this space. I will leave a mess on the counter, walk around in my sports bra, and sing a the top of my lungs. For this girl is on her own. ON HER OWN. In a state, apartment, job, church, and place that she loves.

Back to Chris Botti and Redeeming Love I go!