Friday, July 27, 2007

As it wraps up...

Only a week left of San Clemente.. crazy how fast the summer flew by. Only a week until true vacation at my home:) i haven't had a true vacation without with work in a really long time and it is going to feel really good not to have any obligations.

I can't say this summer has been my favorite, but it has been interesting. A mix between great days and bad days. I have figured out a lot about myself though in the process. I figured out that i hate having a job where i never feel i am doing just enough. I hate constantly feeling like i am walking on egg shells, when there is really no big problem. I love the way i can just leave and take off on my own special beach trail.

I am going to miss the freedom that i feel in the moments that i watch the random people pass by me on the running path. I am going to miss no traffic and swimming laps in the beautiful private pool. I am going to miss the hard times i have faced, trying to work through what i believe, how i face life, and what journey God has me on. I know the journey will continue, but i haven't been alone this much in my life, and it has given me a lot of time to just be quiet.

I am afraid that my life is going to continue spiralling down this course that seems uncontrollable. I am afraid that i will go back to who i was, forgetting the lessons i have learned this summer.

I am excited about the rich new opportunities i feel are just ahead. I am excited to start listening and seeking others out instead of being the star all the time. I am excited to get healthy again. I am excited to find a new church, a home. I am excited to change the way i may appear to others. I am excited about getting a little closer to graduating, yet freaked out because i don't feel passionate about teaching.

I am jazzed at getting the chance to delve into richer relationships with my friends.

I am a little worried.. might i say really worried i am not going to pass my biology class.

I am slightly worried about my relationship with a certain person. The dependency is becoming more and i don't want it.. all the while i do. I just wish that God would maybe... just maybe put someone else in my life to help stop what is going on.. yet isn't. *i know it totally didn't make sense

I see now what i had always wanted and what i now know i don't need. Thank you God for your ability to make us understand in our own time. i was a spoiled girl this summer and feel the worst in my life. Crazy how that works out huh? But hey the glass is always half full and the darkness is now turning to light. A hand is reaching out to me... saying Baby, i know you were searching, leaving, and now want to return.. i have always been here!


so that most likely didn't make any sense to you... but hey that is why it is Shy's blog right?

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