Me Right Now...

Mat Kearney and my bed... a great combo! I am 21 and in a very interesting twisted and complex point in life. I am in this slightly junioriotis slash little kid mood... where so many parts of me are wanting to be grown up and out of this stage while the other part of me is clinging to stay here forever.

Today I was invited to be a part of Alpha Chi, which is that National Honors Society for my school, meaning...I am in the top 10 percential for my class. Now... um.. to think back to high school when i didn't understand anything and was wondering how the heck i was going to make it in college.. i never saw this day coming. It felt really good to be sitting in the little room with just a few others realizing that I am more than i thought i could be.

I am kind of scared to move to Nashville honestly. I have never not been a nanny and that scares the crap out of me! A new job, a new town, and a whole new experience. I feel that many times I have this bold face... but come on now... people I get scared too! I miss my family so much at times I could curl up into a little ball and cry myself to sleep. I miss the five of us traveling around the world.. the simplier times. I miss flying down the freeway with the boys rocking out to Papa Roach and Linkin Park.. or WELCOME TO ATLANTA.

I guess that at times i fear that I am so closed off that I am unwilling to let anyone in. I guess that i have been single for so long that the idea of have that other person in my life is so foreign i cannot imagine the feeling. Maybe this is my way of controlling things, but i guess i feel almost immune to the single feeling. Seeing people with their significant others doesn't register anything with me anymore.. it is just another day in life. The thing is that i realize that I am only 21 years and I have so many years ahead of me... but i am just trying to learn how to be confident, solid, and ALL ME.

I love country music, leadership books, and new music. I can't handle just sitting around (I get bored!!!) I am a go-getter, suck-up, over achiever and i love it. I am single and on most days.. i am okay with that. I totally procrastinate on almost everything and then i totally stress (WHY.. i often ask myself). I like when people like me and i am trying to work on not caring as much. I am a relationship person who is in between intro and extrovert.

I am struggling with my faith right now. I am struggling in trying to wash out all the words of every other stinkin person out there and just hear God through all the crap. I am struggling in finding what is real and what is not. I am struggling in trying to measure up to this unattainable goal that i feel the Christan world sets up. I am struggling in hearing through all the noise. It is night time and yet i still hear noise. I wish that i would really understand when God says that He is not that complicated, but everything else in my life is complicated ... so how can HE be so easy?

I just finished this book called "Deadly Viper: Character Assasins" which was all about character and Integrity. I LOVED IT!!! and the hard part is that i didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I feel that my heart is so often in a different place (not that they don't have these qualities... but sometimes I am just thinking about crazy things that sound so ridiculous people just laugh). I want to soak up so much knowledge, but not in the so called important things like historical people or things.. but knowledge in treating people with the upmost respect, learning stories, and running a company successfully. Now, I have no idea if i will ever own my own company, but who knows right?

I am a sucker for instruments lately. Chris Botti and the trupet, the paino, the sax, Andrea Bocelli... Josh Groban. Sometimes it just makes me smile to bake something while listening to something so RELAXING.

I really like my roomate a lot! I think that we are different but so similar at the same time. God has blessed my socks off with her. We have been talking a lot about our struggles, excitments, and fears in the last couple of weeks... it is has been slightly terrifying, but amazing at the same time. I am excited to see where she ends up. I just know that she is going to be successful in any area that she ends up in. I feel that we will both be single for a while, but are also not letting that stop us. We are go getters and really passionate about seeing all the colors of the world.

Ya know, i am so spoiled. Sometimes i look around and say.. seriously? Am i living this life or is this all a dream? Yeah, i have worked hard.... but God has blessed me so much. I have heard of the idea of a heaven and hell on Earth and sometimes, I feel like my Heaven is just so amazing on Earth. Thank you God for all that you do for me every single day. If life is even a tiny glimpse of heaven.. I am so excited.

Tomorrow is the kick-off of our new college group Generate! It is going to be amazing. Thus far since our launch in November we have around 240 people coming each week and tomorrow is only going to get better! I am so jazzed to see how God uses Crossroads in the next few years. I am so excited but kind of sad that I won't be here this summer. Well... there i go again thinking too far into the future. I need to just be here... all here! Live life... taste the colors.. even enjoy the rain of which is very hard for me. Smile and say hi to even those who don't appear to like me. Not take life so seriously and laugh more. Stop writing so many to do lists and more to love and try lists.

Well... now.... that i have just rambled and gotten some heart stuff out, i had better go to sleep!

TATA for now:)