Wide Open Spaces

It must be the sea breeze or calm feeling that overtakes my body as i jog down the dusty and dirty trail each evening. I can hear the waves crashing even over the voice of India ari and i smile. It is as if for just one moment in my life i have the choice to do whatever i want... i can continue running or stop and just gaze out at the dolphins splashing in the water. No boss, no obligation, just me and my running shoes.

For the past yearish i have been intrigued by the fact that running can be such an incredible feeling that i have been missing for all these years.

I have been running along the beach in San Clemente for the past week and it is sooo amazing. The richly diverse community of people who call this trail home. It is a mix between innocent children learning how to ride their bikes for the first time and the troublesome teenagers just trying to get through the days. It is the first time parents who live with all the pleasures of this Earthly world and those who are just struggling to get through the month. It is the old man who is just scooting along and the fisherman on the pier just enjoying the last moments of daylight.

For an hour each evening i can just be me. I can sweat and smile. I can throw my hair in a pony and run slow. I can talk with God and not be interrupted.

IF you have never run.... don't start fast... start out slow and enjoy nature... breath in the clean air, listen for those noises we often miss, and breath... we are here another day! RUN:)

The Fat me

This morning in church our pastor was talking about the B-attitudes and focused on Matthew 5:3. It was talking about those who are weak in their spirit will inherit the Kingdom. He was talking about how every single person has a part of their life that is just tearing them up.

His analogy was great, he said.... "now your front door may look manicured with a perfect lawn and flowers... but it is what is on the inside that counts, the deeps secrets of the bedrooms and basement that really determine the inner-workings of a person" It doesn't matter if everyone sees a perfect lawn, eventually they will have to see the inside. We are all broken and hurting with something. It is only when we admit we have a problem and seek Him to heal those wounds that we can begin to heal.

I have struggled with my weight since i was really little. Yes, i have always been tall, but i have always clung to food for some reason. I know that each person holds baggage that they must sort through and find answers to and i am still on that journey. I am not sure what void i am trying to fill with food, but i am desperatly trying to find out what the problem is so that i can once again start the journey to being healthy again.

So i am standing here today to say that the smile and nice tan on the outside may seem great, really in the basement i am not doing good. I feel fat all the time and still eat. I know that in the worlds eye's i might not seem overly overweight, i know that there is a problem.

I feel that Satan has hit different people with different things and today i can see that he has me gasping for air when it comes to food. I do not want to think about food all the time and how i look. I want to be free to live and be free to dance for Jesus. Not this world, but i want my basement to match the smile in the front yard.

Lord - Please fill my life with purpose that will help me not cling to any Earthly thing, but You and you alone. I want to move forward today. Be my source, my strength, and may i keep my eye's upon You at all times. Food cannot and will not dictate my life. - your daughter

Coming Home

This weekend was my little brothers graduation from high school and it hit me really hard. I am not a little kid anymore. There are no more baby steps or parents holding their hands out for me to run into. I threw my cap and tossed my gown and life is here. Going back to my high school was a loud reminder that i want something out of life. I don't need to try and explain every decision, but want to be proud of where i have gone in life.

I am only home for 4 days this summer and that is crazy. Life is moving, people are growing, and if i am not careful life is going to pass me back.

After spending the last 5 hours with 4 of my friends from my past, i realized that i am still clinging to the past when i need to continue to push on into the future. I am not missing anything here back at home and southern California is my new home. I actually missed my school friends when i was in the presence of my high school friends. So... here is to coming home and knowing that God is guiding me into the future. Life may change, but i need to trust, follow, and continue on.

Total Copycat

So after reading my friends blog, my heart was yearning to be a copycat. She just wrote about who she was and nothing stopped her. So here goes!

I love popcorn that has been sitting in the bowl for a couple hours. I love comfy flip flops and feeling grass in my toes. I don't really like babysitting everyday. Kids drive me crazy. Starbucks water is AMAZING. I hate having to walk on egg shells around certain people. i hate clinging to a certain boy knowing that He is not the one for me. I am just getting through the days at this point and i hate that feeling. I love my family like never before. I never wear lipstick. I talk way too much and yet do nothing about it. I love driving and hate being the passenger. Map quest is one of my favorite Internet tools. If i could travel every week i would. I am so restless. Whipped cream and strawberries make me happy. I am really happy being single right now. i think i don't give guys the chance sometimes out of the fear of total rejection. I don't want to be too rich. i want to honestly and authentically care deeply about people. I want to work at Ronald McDonald house this summer. i grew up in a cult and am so glad i did, because now i appreciate my relationship with Christ all that much more. I wake up happy almost every single day. i can't spell worth crap. I often take the easy way out on school things. I love slow and soft music. I only write late at night. Deep down i think i love Kevin, but not that kind of love. I am insecure alot. I seem to always have it all together, but i don't. Food is my biggest downfall. My heart hurts right now. i really like pottery barn. But i don't want pottery barn, i want to help people. i am a lot of talk and not enough action. I love talking to my mom on the phone. I love feather pillows and when things match.

I like being alone, but sometimes i get depressed when i don't have people around me. the smell of vanilla is so comforting. I am old enough to see the problems in my parents marriage and that scares me. I have so much to learn. Sometimes i wish i could be a kid again, so i could just run and learn and not worry about life. Eternity is scary to think about. Sometimes i can feel God so close and sometimes He feels so far away. I only like talking to certain people on the phone for a long time. I long to be held by a man. I don't think the point of life is to have the happily ever after, but to end being a total servant. I constantly compare myself to others and i don't want that. I want to wear sweatpants that are big and baggy just cause. I love being kissed by the sun and feeling the warmth on my skin. Pessimistic people kill me. Lazy people just make me mad. I love hanging out with non-Christians and learning things from them and loving on them so deeply, not expecting anything in return. Celebrities just need people to love them (not the TV them) but the true them. I feel sorry for Britney Spears and far away she is from what is really important in life. I love road trips and those songs that take your breath away. I love running in the morning and seeing the world begin again. i have been trying to write a story for my aunt since 5th grade and yet can't seem to find the words. i love people.

i want to live in the country one day. i want to walk outside my door and not see other people's house. i want to drive down a long driveway with lots of trees and have a big porch. i want to raise my kids in the country. i want to be close to my brothers even when we are all grown. i want to be constantly challenged by friends. i want to not compare my life to others, but just live fully alive. i don't really like concerts cause they are awkward. i hate smoke and love strawberry shortcake. i want to be a great mom one day, but am way to young at this point.

life is life and i am ready to be used, torn, pushed, pulled, and molded.

Is it the seats?

For some reason airplanes and airports do something to me. I don't know if it is the quiet/lack of quiet or the fact that i am stuck in a chair for over an hour with no where to run. But every time i get on the airplane God does something amazing... it is almost as if He is revealing things to me as i am flying in the air.

I have battled with my weight for years now and sometimes it is so exhausting. I get sick of having to make the right decisions all the time and feeling so bad if i don't. I hate having people constantly tell me oh you don't need to lose weight, when both i and them know that i need to. I know it is not about my body, but it is about getting over the obsession i have with food.

So as i started a new journey this last week, i realized that getting in shape and eating right was on the to-do list. I did pretty dang good, but still needed a little kick. So, as i was reading in this great new book i picked up by Rob Bell, i was stunned at the words i heard.


"Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of the desire, it's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires."

"If they don't go into a few, select, disciplined pursuits that you are passionate about and are willing to give your life to, then they'll dissipate into all sorts of urges and cravings that won't even begin to bring the joy that the "one thing" could.

Lastly, "how can you make your life about that so that you won't be tempted to give into that"


What journey does God have me on that is going to take me away from food. I want to work at the Ronald McDonald's home for children, i want to do something with homeless, and i want to do something more. I am done, finished, and challenged to be me... not anyone else, not a size 2 but a healthy women of God who is here to make a mark! - that's me

We are all the same

We are all people... we are just wounded and hurting souls searching for something that is so much bigger than words. We are reaching for the light when if we just opened our eye's we would see Him and realize that He is it!

Today jocelyn and John were talking about where they were going to be sitting at this huge benefit. Should they sit next to Shaq or Jennifer Garner? Now, honestly a couple weeks ago i would have been freaking out thinking of how much i would love to get to have dinner with Jenn, but come on they are just people too! They are people who are searching, and scrambling in a lost world. I would rather sit next to a person who has had no food for an entire week, who would appreciate a warm meal and would really appreciate everything. Because as much as i would love to have a heart to heart with celebrities, people forget that they are just people too!

I think we are missing the point in the world. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day about religion and He had such insight on what the problem with religion is. We are all going and searching after the same God, but can't seem to see that so we have to fight over who is right! Why?

Today, i met two morman guys who were walking down the sidewalk in pursuit of who they could talk to next. Now, i used to get really bugged by their interrogation, but not today. I realized that they Love God and want to spread His name, they are looking for something more. Though i do not agree with some of their teachings, there is no reason to dislike or get annoyed by them. I am called to love them as Jesus loves them.

If we are made by God and there was nothing before or after God then we are in His perfect image which means we are to love as God loves. No matter what...

WOW that was random.. but yeah, just some thoughts!

I love it!

I think Gods love song to me lately has been through dance, no i cannot dance, but through music/words/others, i have been imagining me dancing with my Daddy! Him carrying me around that dance floor and making me feel like a princess. So, i remembered this story and i love it!!!! You have to read it:)



FOOTPRINTS…A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.

For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends! This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger. Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints. You are amazed and shocked. Your dream ends.

Now you pray:
"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just
learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."

When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way." "Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.

"You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

Looking around

It is another late night and my stomach is sick.

I look around and see Mercedes, flat screens, and spoiled kids. I see wealth like never before and disatisfaction like never before. It is like the material world is in their fingertips, but yet still they hold nothing. How can this be? Well, after being in it for only 2 weeks now, i am coming to realize that i can't do it. I refuse. I was not created to live the cookie cutter life, where all the houses match and we have yoga in the morning.

I do not want so much money that i forget what is important in life. I want to taste life for the little things and not get everything at my fingertips. I want to work hard for everything that i get and i want to cry because it is hard.

What gives me the right to sit in this fluffy bed and just stare off at a fictional world about crap? Why am i not doing something more? Why am i letting everyday pass me by, just because i am tired from watching kids? Whoop di do.. i could be way worse off, yet i take total advantage everyday of what i am given.

I want to be used and molded and made. I am sick of thinking of my life and my needs and my desires. I want His desires and His needs and His journey for my life. I don't want to toss His name around and i don't want to back down... but to embrace, love, introduce, and integrate Christ into every bone/part/gasp of my life. I am empty and down!

i know that these little valleys help us appreciate Christ that much more, so now i am standing back up and dancing around!!! I am weak but ready!

That bored feeling...

So, i have been sitting on this dang bed for the past 7 nights in a row and i am about to choke. I feel so unproductive at the end of each day even after working for 8 hours. Basically what i am saying is that i am bored and still i am doing nothing about it. Sad day right? Well, maybe i just needed to get the relaxing out of the way, so i could feel it and then move on.

yeah... i don't know that was random, but i am ready to start feeling the summer ... soaking it up and not looking back!

That taste in your mouth....

This is the journey.... 3 girls.. one car... and 5 days worth of stories...

You know those moments that just leave that sweet taste in your mouth?
The entire week was a constant sweet taste that will stay in my heart forever.

- It was the sweet feeling of lying on a big towel fully clothed on the beach in Santa Barbara, just napping because we had NO obligations:)
- It was being so sleepy, but not wanting to go back to the hostel... so we just sat in Borders for 3 hours reading wedding magazines and dreaming of the future.
- It was that not so pretty taste after getting no sleep in the hostel.

It was that the smell of home as we climbed the hills to the beautiful landscape of Northern California. It was the smile of my father as i gave him a huge hug and the feeling of wanting to cry as i embraced my mom that still touches my soul.

It was the feeling of pride as Shaun walked out of that bathroom all dressed in purple for prom. The feeling that i have lost him, yet still have him. The fear of what is to come in the next months and the realization that home will NEVER be the same again.

It was the sweet feel of victory in Uno just to lose in Nerts.

As we climbed back into that little car.... my heart hurt like it does every time as i leave my favorite place in the world.... home.

It was the intoxicating smell of jelly belly's. The perfect bean with only 5 calories.

It was the feeling of pure beauty as we watched the woods turn into rolling green hills, covered in amazingly beautiful grazing cows over the Napa Hills. It was the simpleness of our little picnic lunch, our last moments just the three of us.


Then we drove... feeling overwhelmed as we reached the outskirts of that big city. San Fran seemed so appealing until we realized.... we were not in the mood for the hustle and bustle, but wanted to just chill. So.. after getting lost a couple times, we finally made it to our milk carton destination.

I saw how truly blessed i am. Why me Lord? Why am i so blessed to have been born into such an incredible home? Where my father and mother believe in your amazing works?

It was the rush... that i felt after we tepeed a random guys car... (of course Cindy knew him), but the feeling that i might end up in jail... haha

It was the feeling of free clam chowder flowing down my neck, but more than that the feeling of being in the presence of 3 amazing women of God.

One of my favorites... the pure laughter that rang through the car as Lo did another one of her little jigs after she got another of her 100 trucker honks... of course it was a joint effort.

It was the gut wrenching feeling i was going to pee my pants, as we departed with our little ride-a-long friend uni... (otherwise known as retard, thing, and gross looking unicorn)

It was the feeling of sweet rejoicing as we paid our last penny for gas on the final day.... but i will never forget the final drive as we all realized what an amazing 1400 miles we had driven together those 5 days.

As i stepped out of the car for the last time, i hugged my friends and will never forget the dreams, fears, joys, pains, plans, lack of plans, and journeys that we shared with each other.

There is my road trip... it was like nothing i have ever experienced before... yet i know this was just the first of many:)

3, 2, 1

3, 2, 1... jump!!!! nope not the first time.... 1, 2, 3, jump!!!! nope not the second time.... okay girls we actually have to do this... finally 3, 2, 1.... WE DID IT...

i could barely feel myself as i dropped the towel and launched my body into the freezing water... but as i sunk deeper and deeper into the breathtaking water.. all i could think was... i actually did it. For the first time in my life... i skinny dipped or as we re-named it... chunk and dunked!

yeah... so maybe it was just my swimming pool.. but heck i did it! I also laughed my head off and will never forget the night that i bared my soul to the world... or just my own eyes and took the plunge!!!

It was one of those moments that i will never forget experiencing with two of my best friends:)

Headed Out On The Highway

I am about to be the college girl.. i have always wanted to be. The one who packs up her Toyota, with 2 of her closest friends and heads out on the highway.
We may hit traffic.. but heck when we are listening to Justin who cares right? We want to stop at the largest ball of yarn.. and honk when we enter towns. We want to splash our feet in the water and skinny-dip. I want to put my feet on the dashboard and wear the cute sunglasses. I want to laugh my head off and ask the unasked questions. I want to get lost and find cute little towns... and meet the locals.

I want to almost run out of gas and laugh so hard i cry. I want to take so many unneccesary pictures.. and be real. I want to talk about boys and eat crappy food. I want to show my friends where i call home and i want to get bootylock for the sake of a great road trip.

My road trip is going to happen in less than 2 weeks and i want to scream at the top of my lungs. For this is what college girls do.. they don't act their age and THEY love it!

A True Friend

Do you ever wonder how one person can understand you so well? I call her my 3 AM friend... the one who if ever i had an emergency, would be the first one i called to help. She goes by Deanna but i call her Dezee.

She and I have so much in common that i am baffled that God has blessed me so richly with the opportunity to know her. She truly cares and wants the best for me, as i do for her and for that reason I thank God.

We will have just gotten back in from hanging out with friends and just sit in the lobby for hours talking about life. Not the fake stuff, but the authentic struggles of life. Our questions just continue coming and with each one.. we squish and mold to try to help each other understand.

When i dreamed of College i dreamed of finding friends like her, and here we are. She is the one who i want to roadtrip with and call when all the big stuff happens. I want her in my wedding and there when my kids are born. This seems kinda crazy.. but she is soul friend!

YEP... finally i am not pulling her up... but she is standing next to me...just being my friend

Not about the chocolates:)

So this Valentines day is different for me:)

This is the first time in that last couple of years that i am so content in life. I sit at my desk with joy in my heart. I have felt the pleasure of being in the presence of a man, have felt the sting of heartbreak, but am free.

Now don't get me wrong.. i am not this rightous Christian girl who is all about Christ being my Valentine.. down with men. But a new definition is what i like to call it. It is the realization that God is saving my heart for something more than chocolates and flowers. He is saving me for real love.

I don't want just a date. I don't want just a valentine. I want a Man of God. And i know that this year... it is not my time. It is so amazing to be at this point in my life, where i am really happy. You know that Happy, that just brings a smile to your face.

The happy that makes me realize that i am so blessed. The happy that makes me realize that my friends love me for EXACTLY who i am, the happy that makes me just soak up the rain... (because i know it comes from Christ).. and the happy that makes me anticipate the future, but relax in the moment.

So today.. as your Valentines hits.. remember to praise God for the exact place he has you right now. If you are in the presence of a Man, enjoy the moment, if you are with friends.. smile.. and if you are alone.. worship God for who He is and His perfect timing.

So.. if i could sum up my Valentines day, it is Joy. Joy for the happiness it brings everyone else, knowing that one day.. i too will feel THAT love. But right now.. i am learning what True love is.. with my creator.

I love you all, Shy:)

You are My Strong Tower

You are my Strong Tower

Your face is all i see... you are my refuge and hope.
When the storm of life is raging and thunder is all i hear.. you speak softly to my soul.. now i am running to your mountain... where your mercy sets me free... you are my strong tower shelter over me.. beautiful and mighty everlasting king.. you are my strong tower fortress when i am weak.. your name is true and holy.. and your face is all i see... and your face is all i see...

There are moments in life.. when things are going so right and in one instant they can seem to just hit the floor... then it is as if the wind was knocked out of you. Yet, if we can continue to see a little glimpse of the overwhelming power and strength of Christ.. we also realize that Nothing can keep us down.. Because Christ is our strong tower.

Friends may come and go.. boyfriends may come and go... yet there is Nothing that can bring down Christ as our strong tower.

The taste of victory....

6 finals... 4 hours... and i am done!!!!

Another semester has come and gone.. and out of it i have found...

- that i love history when Kenya is teaching it... she makes it come alive
- computers are not that complicated
- i really do not enjoy learning about rocks
- teaching in the classroom is WAY more complicated than i thought
- i am not as bad at spanish as i thought i am!!!!

Overall, i rocked this semester... - shy

This boy

So... being the leader that i am.. it is easy to take the lead... do the texting, do the inviting... do the guys job... but not anymore:)

The amazing thing was that i stopped... i stopped being the leader and left it to him. Then i prayed, was patient and now you know happened?

He is texting, he is inviting, and he is asking. So with a guarded heart.. i am out on a limb.. being myself... no makeup.. no mask... just purely me! He ask's, i answer... not a fake what he wants to hear answer... but truth. And take me or leave me.. this is shy...

I have prayed.. opened my heart and now i am going to have fun. No more over analyzing.. just getting to know a guy as a friend.. and if something is to come up later.. then i will know it is of God... and not my need for a boyfriend.

So.. if you have a second.. pray for my heart. Pray for my relationship with God.. that it would be the center... the fuel. That everything else would come after and that if it is God's will... i would get to know this boy more.

Guard my heart Lord...

Complicated Boys

For years i did not understand why everyone else had boyfriends and not me. I would cry, trying to change everything about myself so that they would like me. Yet, as the years passed God changed my heart and mind towards what kind of Guy he would supply me with.

What i need:
1. Someone who is more in love with God than he is with me
2. A spiritual leader who is going to push me to be everything God has planned for me.
3. A confident leader, who is stronger than me and can lead me.
4. A loving guy
5. Passionate and on fire for life... optimisitic is key:)
6. An incredible friend of mine

These are just a few.. and since i am interested in a guy it has been interesting all the different feed back. Shy... you are too over confident that why you haven't got a guy... or shy... you have too high of standards.. or shy... you just won't let it happen! But no... it has not been Gods timing and i am finally ok with that. I know that i am not going to get a perfect guy... but i also trust that God is going to handle the situation.

I have prayed, thought, talked, and wondered about relationships.. and now i just need to be patient.

A new haircut... a new girl:)

Have you ever cut your hair and with the new cut comes a new identity? Or a desire to become someone you have always wanted to be? I think that hair at times can be a link between being bold and not being bold.

The other day i cut my hair and colored it a great color. I am not going to lie.. i feel hot, confident, and fresh. The reason why this is so odd, is because i have got my haircut before and yet... i have been more terrified of what people where going to say, instead of taking the change and embracing it:)

Yet, i got a new haircut and walked onto campus with a whole new confidence. I am a women of God who loves people and am ready to have a blast! I am 20 years old and need to have a good time. So basically, i walked with my chin high, shoulders back, and embraced CBU. And you know what happened?

EVERYONE loved it... even if they didn't like the new cut, they could see something different. People who i have never talked to or thought would talk to me are starting to say hi... i love it.

So not to say that haircuts should change who you are... but dang.. sometimes God can use scissors and color to push me out of my comfort zone!!

Yeah.. basically - me

My new ME

Confident... Confidence... Beauty... Trust...

These first couple weeks of my sophomore year have been incredible. I realized that when i came back to CBU i wanted to be different. So.. for the last couple of weeks, i have embraced life in So Cal.. as a sophomore, as the women God designed me to be, as a passionate and set apart Women of integrity. I have made WAY more friends... had way more experiences and decided i LOVE life.

My girls moved in and i LOVE my hall. They are an assortment of differences, rich/poor, white/black, outgoing/quiet, dedicated/slackers... i LOVE it!

Tonight i got to know one of my girls on my hall in such a deep and personal way. Though i am sleepy and have had a LONG week, it is amazing how energized God makes me and the words He gives me at just the right time. For a girl who hardly knows me to open up and share so much deep stuff is amazing.

I like a guy and yet it is so different. I want to get to know him, instead of just thinking he is cute. I want to be myself, realizing that exactly who God has for me, will love the quarks about my personality.

I am so excited to just start each new day. Realizing that life is filled with opportunities and i am ready to dive in head first.. get ready i am here:)