Oh i know...it is about dang time right?

It is cold here. I walked into my apartment and it was 55 degrees. I know I am a slight bit stingy when it comes to running my heat...but it is dang cold. Winter in NC is fun. It is chilly one day and beautifully sunny the next. Yesterday and today it actually snowed:)

I know it is about time that i updated the world on my whereabouts for the past couple months since my last post.

Let me just say this. Adjustments. It is insane when you wake up one day and realize that you are truly on your own. When you look around and wonder what made you decide to move yourself literally across the country. A co-worker and I were staring at the map the other day and he says "um...do you realize you literally moved ACROSS the country." Ha.

These past 7 months have been insane. I graduated, moved, started a new job, watched my bf go, started making friends, joined a new church, felt ubberly lonely, celebrated my 23rd, realized a bunch of things about myself, and am being pursued by the Lord again.

I have a lot of hard days, but have a lot of good days as well. I have come to find that life outside of college is all about being intentional. You have to make a decision to get involved, make friends, and decide how you want life to go. There are a lot of days when i am tired from a long day at work...but going home to an empty apartment seems dreadful. So I am having to be intentional...

After the holidays i am excited for: Starting to volunteer as a Wish Granter for Make-A-Wish, starting training for the Rock and Roll Marathon in SD in June, buying a bike, joining a meet-up group, adopting a family in NC, going back to Charlotte to visit the Johnsons again, taking a train up to DC and maybe eventually to NYC, having my Cali friends come and visit me, going to the J.Crew outlet in Virginia with Brady, starting to lead a bible study with Ashley, and learning a lot.

While these past few months have been rather tough, I am thankful for the journey. It is shaping and building my character. I am learning to lean on the Lord and to fully embrace each day. While I haven't taken too too many pics, I did want to leave you with a few from these past few months.

1/2 marathon in San Diego for my 23rd b-day.

Central Cal with the Family for Thanksgiving '09

My first Corporate Party. A few little details and the night was a total success. Raleigh Country Club, amazing food, and good times with the co-workers.

This year i have my very own Christmas tree. I started an ornament collection and here is my favorite little snowman.

Oh Christmas is just right around the corner. 5 days and I will be back in Cali.

So here is to a New Year, a new journey, and new memories! Cheers:)

Tid Bits...

1. The little things...

After an amazing little walk downtown Cary, I happened upon a tiny little flower shop. I have no idea why flowers bring such joy to my life, but they do. So as I stepped out of the shop that day...it is no wonder my heart was beaming. The owner had presented me with a beautiful Rose. "Wouldn't it feel great to walk down the street with a beautiful flower?" He replied. Oh the little things that make me smile.

2. Simple Smiles

I had the chance to spend the weekend with three cuties in Charlotte, NC. I was definitely in need of some kid time...and let me just say. I got me some good kid time. The Johnson's were amazing and I can't wait to go back and visit soon!

3. NC State Fair

Let me just say... the FAIR was amazing. Our philosophy was to taste the fair. So we literally asked each person their desired fair treat and navigated through the masses of people to find that treat. 1. Ashley - Funnel Cake. 2. Meredith - Deep friend Oreo's and salt water toffee 3. Judy - Chocolate Covered Bacon 4. Shy - Kettle Corn 5. Krystal - Corn and Deep fried Cheese

We laughed...smiled...and took in the variety of people that made their yearly appearance to the state fair. And some how steered clear of the deep friend butter!

4. A trip to see the changing leaves

I became as the locals like to call them a "Leaf Follower." My friend Krystal and I took a trip up to Boone and Blowing Rock. While we soon found that a snow storm had pretty much wiped the leaves out, we still enjoyed the Blue Ridge parkway and the change of scenery. Take note...if you are going to drive 3 hours up to the Mountains to see leaves changing...make sure you didn't miss them.

Our Hike:)

Not in Cali anymore:)

So there are some tid-bits from my life recently. It is AMAZING not having to work on the weekends anymore! And I am looking forward to the coming weeks as they will be packed:) Grandparents visit...Birthday in SD...Thanksgiving in Central Cal...Holiday Parties...lots of fun stuff! Stay Posted!

Life is so fragile....

These past weeks have been so eye-opening! Working in HR has been such an amazingly stressful job yet at the core of it...it awakens my eye's to how fragile life really is. It is now my job to understand, care for, and support a staff of 90 people. It is my job to get offices set up, plan events, do paperwork, and make people feel welcome. While my to-do list continues to stretch by the second...and days like yesterday make me wonder why I chose to embark on this type of career, there are little moments that remind me that life is so fragile...and that I am blessed to be in the position that I am.

It is the moment that an employee comes to me to share that a family member is dying and they just needed to tell someone. Or the employee whose smile is beaming as he celebrates his recent wedding with me. It is the employee whose wife is ready to bring a new little one into the world. It is the fragile moments when people allow me into their very private world and for just one second I am reminded that there is a world outside of work. That people are struggling, loving, learning, yearning, and just need a little support. That is why I love my job.

Life is fragile. At any given moment something might happen that was unexpected. Life can shift, turn, and change in an instant. And I want to make it my job to love the people I work with. Learn to keep myself from taking it on...but simply offer a hug, ear, or little image of God's love.

Dang...life is fantastic.

Oh Fall is in the Air...

Sorry... I know it has been a few weeks since my last update, but i have been super busy!

So I thought I would update you all (did you notice that I didn't say ya'll...keeping this Cali accent is getting harder by the day!).

So, the last time I wrote I had just been promoted to HR assistant. As of this week my job is crazier than ever, but the learning is still really awesome. I am learning the balance between life and worklife. Sometimes walking away at the end of the day is hard...but as the weeks turn over, it is getting easier.

I AM DONE with CRACKER BARREL finally! 3 months of it was enough for me and this last Friday night was my last 14 hour day. Thank goodness:) Here was the amazing uniform that defined my weekends for the past couple of months!

Now that I am done with Cracker Barrel, I am free! The upcoming weekends are going to be incredible. A few things on the Agenda...The State Fair, BlueRidge Parkway, J.Crew Outlet with Lailani, and other fun things with the Small Group.

I went running this morning in Umstead State Park and noticed that finally a few leaves are changing. The air was crisp and i am so jazzed about the coming weeks transforming the rest of the trees! Here is a sneek peek of what is to come in NC.

So life is pretty great. While at times the learning curve for a 22 year old single recent grad is a wee bit much ie. (New Job, New state, Insurance, Budget, New Drivers License, kinda being lonely at times, car making funny noises, still needing a hubcap...and on and on...), I am still loving it.

And in less than 6 weeks, I will be in CA to run the 1/2 marathon! So good:)

So as I leave, I thought I would just leave a little snap shot of where I spend my lunches...yep that is a lake folks. A crystal blue lake! So nice. Lake Johnson about 1 mile from where I work.

Taking flight...

One of my favorite parts about keeping a journal is when you can look back on all the crazy twists and turns that life takes and just smile. I was reading my journal just now from this spring and am baffled by the lessons and growth that has taken place. I was reading an entry from the last day of college and the crazy emotions that were bottled up in my heart. So incredibly uncertain as to where I would be in the upcoming weeks and months. Having no idea how I would ever move on from a place that I had called home for 4 years. I was scared and uncertain.

My two songs of the moment had been, "While I am Waiting" by John Waller and "Brighter Days" by Leeland. Songs about the uncertainties of life, but still having the courage to trust that God's plan far exceeded what I had ever dreamed.

Jump to the feeling when I crossed the state line into NC. I felt this exhilarating and powerful sense of peace. An exciting and thrilling yet slightly terrifying feeling at the pit of my stomach. I had no idea why I was in this crazy new state, but I knew that it already felt amazing.

Then to my entry in the early parts of July describing how discouraged I was. I still didn't see how little pieces would fit together. I was discouraged about my job hunt, was still trying to make friends, and had no idea how I would live without my Bf if she moved.

Jump 2 months ahead. September 15th 2009. God is Good. He hears my heart and He provides in ways that I cannot describe.

I have an amazing job. I just found out this past week that I am being promoted! After less than 2 months as an Administrative Assistant at Medfusion, I am being promoted. I will soon be the HR Assistant for a company that is bursting at the seams. I am getting free training and am LEARNING so much! And I am loving even the stressful moments.

God put me in a church that is so amazing. It so aligns with my heartbeat it is crazy. I am challenged each week and am constantly encouraged to use my hands....not just my words.

I have FRIENDS! Not only have I made some great friends at work, but I am also apart of a small group that is so fantastic. We are RAW. Real and getting deeper by the week. These girls have my heart.

I had NO idea what life would look like outside of college! A new friend and I were having dinner tonight and we both laughed thinking that life would be dull outside of college. UM...yeah right. I finally have time to try all the things I was too busy to try before.

I am crossing things off my bucket list right and left. My passion for life is continuing to grow and so are my cooking skills:)

I am truly happy. I wake up the morning to birds chirping, fog rolling off the pond, and a cool breeze. If you could snap a picture of what I desired in my heart 6 months ago, this is it. I am home.

So there is my September update. I have no idea where I will be in 6 months from now. But one thing is certain... I will soak it up. For each journal entry holds a story and I am just starting this crazy novel of life.

Where to begin...

This weekend has been rough.

It is a little before 9 on Labor Day and i am surrounded by candles. George Winston is floating in the background and I am truly alone. The weekend crafts are finished, the cookies have been baked, and the apartment has been cleaned. I wondered what this feeling might feel like, but now I am surrounded with quiet and am not sure really how to handle the swirl of emotions swimming in my head.

I am on my own. I am in a state, apartment, bedroom...all alone. There is this mix between freeing and terrifying feelings buzzing in my heart. My near and dear BF moved away from me this weekend and while it was time, it doesn't remove the fact that the quiet is a constant reminder of her departure.

I am a big girl now. I am truly on my own for the first time in my life and it scares the crap out of me. I know that God has, is, and will provide for me...but it is still scary. I am lonely. I am lonely, okay so there i said it.

I felt something this weekend that I haven't felt in a long time. The longing for a man. I think for a long time I pushed away the thought of a man, in fear that i would have to once again divide my time between my best friend and boyfriend. And while that sounds silly, if you had a bf like Deanna you would understand. She is way too cool to neglect.

But with her departure something in my heart burst open. Maybe a brick wall had formed around those desires...and now slowly but surely they are coming down brick by brick. While i feel like i am open to the thought of being in a relationship, I also have a strong inclination that it will still be a while. Which also forces me to really be okay with where God has me. To enjoy the quiet and to continue growing as a single women. To realize that there will be lonely weekends where i am truly alone, but also realize that this may be the only point in my life where I can find the time to breath...learn...and grow...ALONE.

So as the apartment stays quiet for the next who knows how long...i will rejoice in this space. I will leave a mess on the counter, walk around in my sports bra, and sing a the top of my lungs. For this girl is on her own. ON HER OWN. In a state, apartment, job, church, and place that she loves.

Back to Chris Botti and Redeeming Love I go!

My weekend thus far

So my bf and I had a girl date last night as her departure is just around the horizon (a week from today). Talk about a great night. We went to saw Post Grad with Alexis Bladel. SO good. It is kind of strange when you feel so much like the main character it is kind of creepy. The movie so depicts where D and my lives are, it is scary. HA. I rarely want to buy movies...but that will be on my to-buy list for sure.

After the movie we went to get some dinner at this little cafe around the corner, too bad they were closing. So we grabbed some food and finished off the perfect meal with some Panera Chai. I just sat their smiling and thinking about how fantastic life is. Two friends just giggling over some great food and dreaming of the future. The rain was falling outside and I could smell fall in the air. I finally coined my favorite season as FALL. Changing leaves, warm fires, and holiday on the horizon. Oh so good.

This morning I checked something off my bucket list.
73. Drive down a random road and get lost on purpose

I just drove around Morrisville and Cary finding random roads. I found new neighborhoods, a farmers market, and these crazy boys super excited about waving little arrow signs. And I found my dream house. With a huge porch and everything! It had this cute little fence and porch swing.

So here is a picture, but i couldn't get ubberly close...they might have called the cops.


I love NC. I can't say that enough. It is absolutely beautiful. I almost feel like i am watching a movie of someone else's life when they find something "JUST RIGHT." I am so excited about getting out there and exploring every little piece of this state. Such joy!

And I found a favorite new artist. Erin McCarly. So so good.

Well I am off to Cracker Barrel. And as corny as this sounds, I am kinda excited to go to work. I love the people in there and the ladies have become like second families to me. I haven't been in there in 2 weeks. Strange.

Adding to the list:

Since I had about 12 hours of flying time last weekend, I updated my list... here goes:)

84. Play a round of golf
85. Bake a Homeade Pie
86. Break a habit
87. Drive a car worth more than 80,000 dollars
88. Walk on Fired
89. Leave a huge tip
90. Help build funds to build a school in Tanzania
91. Catch a fish
92. Buy a strangers grocery's
93. Pass on a skill i know
94. Build a tree house
95. Go to an Art Show
96. Build a Sand Castle
97. Do Karaoke at a legit Karaoke place
98. Ride a mechanical bull
99. By my own Boss
100. Continue a Family Tradition
101. Go to the Rodeo
102. Find random names in the phone book and write them an encouraging card
103. Drive a Motorcycle
104. Buy a home
105. Visit a old folks home
106. Go to the movies / buy popcorn, candy, and a drink
107. See a Nascar Race
108. Learn from a wise person
109. Have a photograph of mine published
110. Go to a horse race

So that is how it feels...

There was this anxious feeling at the pit of my stomach when I landed in Ontario, CA. It had been my home for the past 4 years and now I felt like a foreigner. I walked down the terminal and had the biggest smile on my face. Walking out into the cool California breeze, I strained my eyes to see the black suburban that would contain my best friend. And then there she was. Tall, Tan, and Radiant. Jessica was beaming and i couldn't contain my squeals as we ran into an instant embrace.

This past weekend was one of those rare times in life when you almost feel like you are having an out of body experience. Like you are moving, walking, and talking, but you honestly feel like you are floating above just watching. For 4 days I got to walk alongside Jess as she prepared herself, emotional, physically, and spiritually for the next phase of her life. It was incredible.

We chatted like little school girls at one moment and the next we talked about the serious role that she would be taking on. We laughed at our obsession of high powered fans and delighted in getting our nails done for the first time in years. The entire weekend I just had this overwhelming sense of awe.

Words almost can't capture the feeling that was in my heart. A sense that all was right in the world. That no matter what stress or problem came about...everything would be okay. Because this one boy and this one girl were rooted in something more than wedding favors and flowers...but in a relationship so focused on the Lord's will.

Jess was absolutely beautiful on her wedding day. AMAZING!!!!

After the wedding Shaun and Cody came to pick me up. Talk about the perfect ending to the perfect weekend. Quality time with my two favorite people in the world! We had a big sleepover in Shaun's new apartment (SO INCREDIBLE), ate at one of the best places I have ever eaten (The Hash House), and enjoyed just spending a few hours with my amazing brothers.

But as I prepared to fly back across the country, I was thrilled. I had the chance to see some great friends...spend some time with my brothers...and realize that NC finally felt like home. While I have no doubt I will visit Cali again...I missed my new life.

As I walked back into the humid and slightly sticky air after a 10 hour travel day, I was home. Life is beautiful:)

The boys during our morning in SD

Laughs at The Hash House

This profound effect

So today i got to talking with two new friends from work...we were talking about our blogs. Now some blogs are good...but oh my gosh, this one friend of mines is incredible. As many of you know, I dream a lot! I have a fat Bucket List and am constantly checking things off the list. I want to live fully alive and pursue the little moments that make life all that it is. Now...with that being said, usually when i begin explaining my crazy bucket list, people start looking at me like i am out of my mind. But today something fantastic happened...I said something about my bucket list and my new friend Emily started talking about her list of 101 things. It is her desire to complete her list of 101 things in the next few years. I began reading her list and with glee in my heart I realized how similar we are. The little things in life are the ones that are going to create the lasting moments that take out breath away. So... below you will find my ongoing bucket list! I will try to post pictures and cross things off the list as I compete them:) So So So very good.

1. Play Mud Football
2. Trace my roots back
3. Finish the story I have been writing for years
4. Go to Santorini, Greece
5. Take an Art Class
6. Volunteer for a cause I am passionate about

7. Move up in a company
- From Administrative Assistant to HR Assistant:) -
Starting January 2009 *I am cheating...but hey I do what I want!

8. Buy a stranger lunch
9. Go to Tazmania
10. Read through the entire Bible
11. Take my mom to see Josh Groban in concert
12. Learn how to play the guitar
13. Go to all 7 continents
14. Kiss in the Rain
15. Go to the Spa for the day
16. Help re-built a community overseas
17. Go to a fashion show
18. Take a helicopter ride
19. Sample every flavor at 31 flavors
20. Be in two places at once
21. See Oprah live
22. Learn to take fantastic photographs
23. Work for someone I can truly learn from
24. Run a half marathon
25. Hike a tall mountain
26. See 5 of the wackiest tourist stops in America
27. Re-Cover my new chair all by myself
28. Make enough money to be able to pay for my parents meal without stressing
29. Take a dance class
30. Live near my parents again
31. Do Absolutly nothing for an entire day
32. Go on a date
33. Have a house by a lake
34. Go legit skinny dipping
35. Fall in love
36. Take a trip on a train *an overnight train
37. Go to the airport and let a random stranger pick where I fly to
38. Explore a small town

39. Live on my own
- As of September 5th 2009...all by myself! Lonely at times, but incredibly bazaar and Fantastic at the same time!

40. Take an Acting Class
41. Grow a garden
42. Get a mentor
43. Figure out what I believe *or at least a little of what I believe
44. Go back and visit my childhood home
45. Have Taco Tuesdays at my house
46. Mentor someone younger than me
47. Learn how to drive a stick shift
48. Make my own wine by stomping on grapes…
49. Visit the North East in the Fall
50. Adopt a family at Christmas time
51. Spend an entire day in bed
52. Run a Red Light
53. Watch all the Star Wars and Lord of the Rings Movies
54. Zip-line through a rain forest
55. Actually do Jacobs Ladder at a ropes course
56. Cook an entire meal for my family
57. Help my Grandpa finish his book
58. See John Mayer in concert
59. Witness a miracle
60. Finish a triathlon
61. Learn how to play the game of risk
62. Go to a professional Football game
63. Crash a wedding
64. Learn how to change my own tire
65. Save up money and go on a shopping spree
66. Learn to really listen
67. Have an entire day devoted to random acts of kindness
68. Own my own Christmas Tree
69. Send postcards to people I admire
70. See a Broadway
71. Learn to kick-box
72. Have an old bridesmaids dress party

73. Drive down a random road and get lost on purpose
- Morrisville and Cary - found my dream home (8/29/2009)

74. Give 5 foods a chance that I think I hate
75. Go wine tasting
76. Go puddle jumping

77. Get a drink at a real bar
San Diego - At Whisky Girl for Jess' Bachelorette Party (8/21/2009)

78. Plan a major Event
79. Laugh until I cry
80. Run the bases at a major league field
81. Volunteer at a soup kitchen
82. Go on a trip with Village Care
83. Contact all my old teachers that impacted my life and tell them thank you



Obviously my list is ever growing, but for now...I shall start:)

August 5th

I am conflicted in a strong way tonight. This week has been great, i am exhausted from working all the time... but life is fabulous. Yesterday I had this run that took my breath away. The sun was just coming up, there was steam coming off the pond, and my smile was shining bright. So good.

I was offered the United Way job and after thinking it was "It" a few weeks ago, I kindly refused. So strange that sometimes our visions are so far from what God has in store for us. I am now interviewing for a full time position at Medfusion a web developing company. I love my job. I love my new work friends, I love love love it. I look forward to going to work everyday, because I have NO idea what i am going to do. Or how long my to-do list is going to be. I love it though:)

I have found an incredible church. The Summit rocks my socks. I am challenged and called out every week. So so good! I also joined a small group with Deanna and those girls have my heart. Our bible studies go for 3 hours and i can't get enough. We are planning all sorts of fun together soon... ie. camping trips, dancing lessons, running groups, taco Tuesdays:) Such joy to my heart.

And these girls...they are the real deal. We are all struggling, but digging deep and being vulnerable. I love it:)

But this evening my world was rocked. I found out that D is moving home *yes back to Cali. And the crazy part was that I was not shocked. I knew for a long time that her heart was not in love with NC like mine was and that she was not happy. But i guess i never realized how much she hated it. So in a little less than a month, she will be packing her car and driving back. I totally understand and am supporting her, but my heart just hurts.

I guess it hurts to lose her and lose what I had envisioned as being this amazing journey together. But at the same time I also realize how much i love where I am and wish that for her. I wish her the world basically. That her heart would land somewhere so good. That she can walk out on her patio and feel what I feel when I walk out on ours. That satisfying feeling of "JUST RIGHT."

So...tonight I am just trying to focus on the here and now. To not jump to any conclusions and breath through every moment. All the little factors will play out just right and I will remind myself that each and everyday. That God is in complete CONTROL. That while it is my tendency to panic, this will be different. I may struggle, but I will TRUST.

I am thankful for each and every moment of this journey and am so excited to see where tomorrow takes me:)

As Ginnie Owens sings:

So if all these trials bring me closer to you, I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

It may not be the way that I would have chosen, when you lead me through a world that is not my own...but you never said that it would be easy, you always said "you'll never go alone"

Life is so good.

All I want is one of those little name badges...

They are coming in by the herds. And they all carry something in common. A name badge. This is it. They are different colors, sorts, and hold different definitions. It means something though. They are all in the same group...and they are all getting a paycheck. Now while those vary as well, I want one!

Just a job. A simple Job. I am honestly losing my brains. I am working full time to find a full time job and I am getting nowhere! I am getting frustrated and down. This is not my personality and it is killin me!

But after reading "The Noticer," by Andy Andrews I have to keep remembering something. In his book there were some amazing quotes, but a few of my favorite say...

"Whatever you focus on, increases!" ...Therefore my focus shall be on living life to the fullest in any circumstance. As my dad reminded me...I am eating a great sea food feast while watching the amazing sunset!

And the other one that I know is going to totally butcher right now...says something like:

"The painting never became a masterpiece without the little brushstrokes"

Oh man so good. These are the times...the journey and the hardships that build the beautiful painting. It is when we are struggling and not understanding tomorrows outcome that we build upon the painting of life. While there are moments when I just want to give up and go back home, I realize that these are the moments that are going to define who I am. I am a survivor and I going to be okay. I know that God's plan is so much bigger than mine, so in this moment I am going to smile and keep going!

Just a little fun with the camera:)

Talk about a different experience! NC does the 4th a little differently. We headed into Cary for a little family celebration...didn't realize how funny the observations would be! People get cut throat when it comes to doughnut eating competitions, watermelon eating competitions, sack races, and all the other random games! Some of these pictures brought to light all the fun!

So as a few of you know...i just started getting interested in photography. I NEED to take a class...but until i have a job and some sort of income, I will have to just wait:)

Yesterday, my roomie and I went out in search of some fun places to snap some shots. Here are a few:)

Oh man, I really need some lessons...but i sure do love it!

"When you do something from your soul...

you feel a river moving in you, a joy." - Broken Open

North Carolina is for my soul!

I think that God blesses us with moments when we begin to see things falling into place. When life seems to be unraveling around you, but at the core of you there is a feeling of peace. Most of the questions you are dying to know are not understood and to the outside world life looks complicated, but it is not.

Today I felt this. A renewal. A re-charging of some sort. Yesterday I was hit pretty hard with the complicated nature of my perfectionist's ways. I started worrying over finding a job, making it in this world and began to forget.

But this evening...dang. As I finished the last of my dinner, I stared out the window and was romanced. Perfectly still water, a serene golf course, a setting sun. Could life get much better? I do not think so!

But it did.. I stepped outside and felt alive. I walked along the golf course path and was startled by the feeling of home I felt deep in my soul. This is it. The feeling that I have not felt in years was back. Tall Green trees, amazing weather, and a perfect walk.

This is it. I have been dreaming about moving to this place for a year now and I am finally here. I may not have a job and I may have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I do know one thing for sure. God is in control. I feel Him all around me and in this time of unknowing, I am comforted.

I am joyful and am so excited for the prospect of tomorrow. It is not a job hunt anymore...it is a opportunity for me to learn and grow. A chance for me to make it on my own and to prove that dreams can come true.

North Carolina is my dream and I am living it!

The last little while.

It has been so long since I last posted...so while I have another 2 hours in the Atlanta Airport *before I head to Europe, I thought I might as well update you all:)

Well...I am a college graduate. Never thought the day would come and then it came and went before I even knew what to do with myself. The day itself was fantastic, with all my dearest friends and family surrounding me. Then 3 days later I experienced a sort of gut wrenching pain that I do not think I have felt ever in my life. I said goodbye. Goodbye to all that had defined me for the past 4 years, my family, my friends, and my identity. Cal Baptist while small at times was my home away from home. So many fond moments and memories.

The transition that has been taking place in my life has been interesting to say the least. As I drove back to Northern California for a few weeks of break, I realized that big things were about to take place. I graduated, was going to go to Europe, and move to an entirely new state all within about a months time.

Time at home has been a mix between emotionless, grief-filled, and great times. The tears freely came and went. I spent some incredible times with my parents. Talking and mourning a closed chapter of my life.

Last Wednesday, I jumped out of a plane. It sounds so crazy...but looking back the experience, i realize that it almost gives me the confidence to do anything. After my dad and I landed back on the ground, we started talking about the experience. I started explaining to him what a huge thing it was for me and how I felt the skydiving was a symbol of my growth over the past year. I jumped out of a plane. A perfectly good plane as a matter of fact. I was not scared, but just ready to breath in every last moment. It was fantastic.

Looking back, I realize that a lot of my life is going to be filled with the unknown. A lot of moments when I have the decision to stay safe...or jump out of the perfectly good plane. While the perfectly good plane would be predictable and reliable...it is not until I push myself to stretch that I can become fully alive.

Right now I am sitting waiting to fly to Europe for a 12 day vacation with my mom. I am extraordinarily excited to get away and just breath in all the moments. To learn the history, taste the food, and smell in all that sets the countries apart. I bought my brothers Cannon camera and will be capturing little moments in all the towns we visit.

Last night I had the chance to touch base with my roommate and realized what a huge thing we are about to embark upon. We are leaving everything that we have ever known to move to a foreign place. We are starting over and wiping our slates clean. While at times this almost takes my breath away...the very idea of leaving all that is comfortable to me, I am also very excited. I am going to do it. I am going to push myself out of the plane and see where I land.

So...that is the update. Life at this very moment is what I would call unstable. One day I am depressed and the next day I am bouncing off the walls with excitement. But the one thing I am learning is to feel it. To be okay with the emotions and feelings that I often times try to push away. I am going to be broken open and learn all that I can through this experience.

Because I want to live fully alive.

Udder Joy

Sometimes life has moments when you feel speechless. When life is so simple and pure.

Today I had one of those moments.

I got to hold little Eisley Claire...less than 24 hours old. So simple and so sweet.

I just held her and thought of life.

About the stage that I am in and realized that I need to slow down.

To feel just one moment at a time.

To realize that life is not as complicated as we want it to be and that we only have one life to live.

She was beautiful. She was absolutely beautiful. She has this adorable little nose and cute little face. She is so soft and wonderful.

I haven't held a baby this fresh since Brenden...and it was so incredible.

I walked away and felt like I was walking on the clouds.

Life is beautiful. God is so incredible in His ability to produce life. That He handcrafts a child in their mother's womb for 9 months and then just at the right time...they come out. That the pain is horrible, but then you are holding a piece of you.

That forever life is different. Kristen was radiant today. Her glow was so magical and she was so meant to be a mother it was incredible. Passionate and natural. JJ and Kristen were so cute. They were so ready and that is what I want someday. They are so in love and now they are ready to bring a new bundle of joy into their lives. SO AMAZING!

Life is fantastic.

My Yellow Brick Road

I had the chance to sit down with Lee McFee last night and what an incredible time I had. She was so encouraging and uplifting. She made me realize what a great place I am at right now. But before I forgot, I wanted to write down something she said.

Just remember... It is God's Yellow Brick road we are following. He is going to take us home...He is going to help up down the path that is our future. Sometimes we wander off the yellow brick road and we often times find ourselves hurting or lost, but we can always get back on the right path.

If we understand that the journey will take us through many uncharted territories....uncharted waters...and over unknown mountains...we can cling to the knowledge that He knows our future. He knows the way and He already has the map. We just need to keep following the Yellow Brick road.

As I look for jobs, start interviewing, and move across the country...I must cling to the knowledge that I want to stay on the Yellow Brick road. Hum... so good!

The heart.

So let me just say...this last week has been tough. Honestly, one of the hardest weeks i have faced in a really really long time.

So my question is, what do you do when you know that you care for someone so much that you must break their heart?

When you know that no matter what you say and no matter how much you try to explain, it just will not be okay? That your answers will never be right? That they did nothing, but you still broke them to pieces?

But when you know what your heart is telling you, you must follow through. And while I feel like a horrible person, I also know that looking back...I did the right thing.

I have never been through this before. I have never felt a broken heart and I am pretty sure that my heart is sitting in pieces on the floor right next to me. To care so much for a person that you want the best for them...but they don't understand....it hurts! It is horrible actually. To talk to someone everyday for months and then you pass him and can't even say a word? Heartwrenching.

But today, I picked up one of the pieces off the floor. I started dreaming again and I starting breathing again. I realized that I followed my heart and now i am going to start chasing after what my heart is telling me to chase after.

I am going to Europe. I am going to Italy, Greece, and Spain. I am going on a 12 day cruise and I am freaking out. I am so excited and ready to explore and relax. holy smokes...I am going to Europe.

And I want to go to a fashion show. And I want to skydive. And I want to work in a Children's Hospital. And I want to move to NC. And I want to read a lot. And I want to get a job. And I want to be a great friend. And I want to get healthy. And I want to learn how to play the guitar. And I want to help put on a great Swipe-To-Save this next week! I want to explore:)

This picture in my head.

Last June:
- One night i had a dream. A dream of moving to NC and of loving it. I woke up the next morning with this burning desire to check into the state. To uproot myself and move across the country to a state I had only visited once when I was younger. Bazaar.

But It was on my heart and I knew that unless i actually followed through...i would always wonder.

Monday:
- It was unlike most things. I was not anxious or worried. I was not even scared. But at peace. Knowing that for some reason I needed to go. One time Ken told me that the reason why I had to go...was because it made no sense. He told me that when we are so excited and passionate about something...it just fits. It makes no sense to most of the rest of the world, but to you...it makes udder sense. That is my NC.

I got on the plane and the air was different. A sense of excitement and ahh. I sat down next to the most down to earth young lady who teaches in Raleigh. She told me all about where she lived and the best places to visit in Raleigh. She told me about the community and places to look to live.

I got off the plane and instantly i could see myself here. It wasn't too big, but just right. People held doors, said hello, and were overwhelming nice. I know...i know...there were other people in Cali who are nice...but i just felt welcome!

I walked outside the doors and I instantly saw beautiful blooming trees.

My trip has been incredible. Wilmington was great, but I can see myself in Raleigh. I love it here. I love the trees everywhere, the quiet yet excited atmosphere. I love the college pride right and left. I love the way that people look you in the face and are polite. I love the way that I can imagine myself discovering all the places to see in NC. I want to move here.

It is across the country. I don't know anyone here...and for some odd reason that is what is making this entire thing so incredible. OUT ON MY OWN. I moved 8 hours away...but to a bubble. I want to figure this game out on my own. I want to struggle and discover.

I know that God has made my heart beat differently...and for some odd reason He is making me soooooo excited for NC. I remember visiting Nashville last year and just not feeling right. There was this deep down feeling that I just didn't want to be there. I have almost been waiting for that lurking feeling to creep back up...but nope. (okay..maybe once when i drove through downtown Durham:) haha...not the best part of town). But I love it here.

I think i could go on and on as to why i love it here...but i am going to stop. I do not know if i will be in this state for months/years/ or for the rest of my life...all i know is that I am so excited to start this new journey.

Now as i return to reality tomorrow, I am going to soak up my friend/family/comfort, for it is going to escape very soon. Holy smokes I am about to graduate from college!

Things that make me smile:)

And then it was followed by...

So after the retreat I came back on the top of the world. Everything felt calm and steady. I still had no idea what was going to happen or where i was going to go...but hey that was okay.

And then something amazing happened. I got an e-mail this evening. It was from a women in NC who is looking for a nanny for the summer. She and I had been having some complications when trying to get in touch and finally today something clicked.

Basically she sounds really positive and excited to meet me when I come to NC. The family lives right outside Chapel Hill and both the husband and wife work in the medical field. Which is so amazing, because for some reason I told her that I wanted to get into putting on events at hospitals, and she told me that both huge medical centers had amazing programs. COME ON NOW. Not only would i have the chance to figure out if the area is for me...but maybe have the chance to get connected in the medical world as well. INCREDIBLE.

It just feels right. I know...I haven't landed the job...but right now...i feel so good. Like, why would i lack in faith...when the Father always provides. And...even if this does not work out...i know that there will be something better out there.

So we shall see. But right now...i am floating! I am so excited and preparing for the next phase...whatever that may be.

As for now...

Wow... what an incredible weekend!
I had the opportunity to spend Saturday night and Sunday morning at an incredible lake house in Canyon Lake (outside of Temecula)...with the UP Ra's. Such a blast. It was so fun to just look around and realize that i had 25 amazing friends. To realize that we are all from such different backgrounds, but we all just love on each other.

I ended up staying up until 3 just sitting around talking with a bunch of the boys...and Monica and Danielle...it was so much fun!

The next morning I had the chance to wake up and spend sometime on the lake. I just sat on the shore and journal ed. It was so amazing. I realized that for the first time in months i was hearing silence. Utter silence (besides a few ducks fighting over food!) It was incredible. It really got me thinking. That i desire something so different than most people. As i started thinking about this new transition in my life, i realized that I don't have any answers. But what i do have is a thirst. A thirst to see and feel this life that God has granted me. To move and discover. To dream and run.

For some reason it was just what i was needing. To really trust and be filled with the faith that God had put these desires on my heart and that I just needed to pray, listen, and then go.

So incredible. Utter satisfaction! Pure Joy.

The journey is unclear...but so clear!

So that's how that feels...

Valentines Day 2009.

Yesterday was such a puzzling day. First thing in the morning i get a call from one of my best friends Jess...screaming that she was engaged. ENGAGED??? Could this be happening? Could we honestly be at this point? Where people start settling down and building a family? It hit me so hard...i was shaking from my excitment, yet when my heart calmed I realized something. I have been in denial for a long time that I am at this stage in my life. That I am honestly old enough to be getting ready to graduate and face the real world. To start looking for jobs and start a new life. Honestly...it took a crazy phone call to make me realize that as much as I want it to slow down...i can't. It is here.

So then there was this thing where I like a guy...but i couldn't really tell him fully how i felt about him. Thus... i went out with the ladies. Which would have been amazing, if i could get that dang boy off of my mind.

So as i hit the town with 4 amazing friends I for the first time had a conflicting heart. Where i was enjoying myself...but it was VALENTINES DAY. I had my first Valentine and i almost had to ignore the feelings of my heart. It kinda sucked, because I was not there. I was not in the chicken and waffles and I was not in the sunset. I was not in the discussion over chai and I was not in the car...i was miles away. I love those girls and I on any other night would have been fully in the moment...not this day. Not this day when everywhere I looked there were couples...holding hands...holding dang hands. HA.

It was such a puzzling day. It was a day that felt awkward. AWKWARD.

But the good thing is...i did get to see him. And after i saw him...i got to stay up really really late with my bf. We had a dance party in the dark with glow sticks and M.I.A. :) We laughed our heads off and then we layed on the couch upside down and dreamed of the future. It was incredible. It was the v-day I needed. They were the moments that made me want to curl up into a little ball and cry my eye-balls out. It made me want to hug D and never let her go. It made me realize that I have the best friend in the entire world and i am scared to death how everything is going to change in just a few short months. It made me want to be in the moment. To embrace every chance to just be a kid at heart.

Ps. He got me a book all about North Carolina for V-Day (cutest thing ever!) and it made me realize how excited i am about moving. Terrified but incredibly excited. That i have no idea what NC holds and I have no idea why I must go...but i am so SO so SO intrigued. WOOOOO HOOOO NC!

So there was my V-day. So incredible and complicated and memorable and hard. But so very good.

Exhausted.

Dang...that was brutal.

I don't know what i was thinking a marathon would be like, but it was hard! Maybe it was because of the pavement or because it was 26.2 miles, but it was way harder than i thought possible!

But I think this is just the soreness talking. I am sitting on my couch and almost every bone from my hips down hurts. But looking back i know that in a day or two i will be amazed that I was able to check something off of the bucket list. I can't believe that I trained for 4 months and then went and did it! So incredible.

I think I just kept looking around at all the ppl who were doing it right alongside me and i was amazed at their determination. It was hard, but they kept their heads up! And it was crazy to run down the last mile and see so many of my friends cheering me on! The support was incredible. Running to my parents arms and feeling so incredible when i ran across that line. I did it...26.2 miles!

Ask me in a month if I'm going to do another one...just not today ha.

It's peekin out:)

There is a gap in the clouds. There is a little ray of sunshine and it is hitting my heart.
There are still big fluffy clouds, but they are getting lighter and brighter.
The blue is beginning to show.

God is so amazing. His perfect timing is so reassuring. Sometimes life is filled with the unknown and uncertain, but in the end...He is still in control.

I thank God for these experiences, these journey's, these trials. They only make me stronger.
That one day i will look back and realize that though it did not make sense at the time, His plan was so much bigger than mine.

Thanks for all the prayers.

A hard day.

Today was a very hard day.

The tears came, my heart hurts.
I have lots of questions.
The person i wish i could talk to the most i feel like i can't call.

This isn't supposed to be how it is.
The rain is here today.

But i am praying for Sunshine tomorrow.

me.

Are we already here?

I was sitting around with a bunch of my friends last night and i just started thinking. We were reflecting on a bunch of different things that have happened over the last few years and it was amazing to me where we are right in this moment.

I watched as two of my friends prepared for tests that would make them the controllers of an entire classroom of little people. The amazing opportunity to touch the lives of children.

Another friend who is knee deep in her studies to become a life-saver. To assist doctor's in their fight to help keep life. Her complete discipline and determination to rock her classes and her joy that is intoxicating.

My other friend who is a dreamer. Who wishes to have at least a glimpse of what the future holds, but is trying to be in the moment as well. The fact that she is so beyond capable, sometimes i would imagine this being her main problem. She is so talented and gifted that it is almost too scary to have to figure out where to start.

And then my other friend. The artist. The free soul. She is so inspirational. Watching her navigate is truly an honor.

One of these girls was babysitting her little cousin and he was having a tough time going to sleep. It was incredible to me what i think i noticed. After a time, I offered to have my hand in trying to help soothe him. As I started reading him a book, I realized that God has given me a gift with children. I have no idea why it is so easy for me to comfort children, but it just comes naturally. As I laid with him and rubbed his eye's i thought about life. Could we be at this point?

The point where we move away, follow our dreams, and meet our futures head on? Is this the moment when we get married, have kids, and enter the next stage. Now, don't worry...i am not meaning that this is going to be anytime soon...but this is the next stage. The stage in which these kids will be my own and this picture will be mine.

It made me realize that i have a lot of dreams, but the idea of being a mother is also exciting. For some reason I have a heart for children! I think for the first time i realized that being a mother will be a dream come true! Other people's kids are great, but the bond i know i will one day share with my own children will be incredible. (But...it won't happen for at least another few years...my few being 5 or 7 haha). But when that moment comes, i think it will be just right.

Last night was bittersweet. These moments make me realize how fast life goes and that the future is right on top of us. We graduated high school thinking that college would last forever, but it hasn't. It is almost over. So as I press onto the future, I want to cling to the present. For I know that I can learn a lot from each of my friends, professors, and from this school. For before we know it...it will all just be a memory.

Happy.

Life is amazing.

It doesn't fit in a pretty little box.
It is the warm sun on my face.
It is the freedom as i leave work...ha.
It is that little smile i get on my walk to the cafe.
It is three boys squishing into CBU's latest statue.
It is having girl talk and being so excited for others upcoming additions.
It is the taste of cheeze-its.
It is music blasting in a blue BMW...pedal to the medal.
It is the voice of my parents on the phone.
It is the joy i feel in my heart when i see others succeed.
It is John Mayer late at night.
It is the excitement to see a long lost friend in the morning.
It is feeling so at home.
It is having no idea what i want and soaking up every single minute of the unpredictability.


I am really happy. My last semester starts in less than two days and I am ready. Ready to go out with a bang. Ready to enjoy the little things and say "no" to the un-needed. I am ready to laugh and cry, to prepare and just experience. WOO hoo... Last semester senior year...baby!!! I got this !!!