My Sweet Spot

Writers block is what they call this! It is that moment when your head is so filled with random stuff that you don't even know where to begin.

My dad always made me wait. He made me wait to get my ears pierced, made me wait to get a cell phone, made me wait to ride in a limo. At the moment i didn't understand and would complain that everyone else got it first... but now i see. He wants me to experience life a little at a time. Last night i was thinking about my singleness. I kind of feel like right now i am looking around at everyone else wanting to have someone like them, but right now just isn't my time. One day my time will come and the taste will be so sweet to my lips. It is just not my time right now, because i need to focus on the now... and where God has me.

But the incredible part of this journey has been finding myself in my own skin this year. I had the guts to tell the guy that i liked... that i liked him, expecting nothing in return. And the peace that was found in that was incredible. We are JUST friends and at this point i am so glad that God shut that door right now. I thank God for the journey He has me on... giving me the courage to say what is on my heart and then walking away.

Now to the sweet spot... I am working on a project called "SWIPE TO SAVE" where we are helping raise money for children in displacement camps in Uganda. We are trying to get the student body to give up one meal to help donate a percentage of the money to the cause. It is so exciting and i love it. I could spend all night talking about it and am so jazzed to begin the process of getting people involved. I was reading in this book this morning that was talking about how when you are in your sweet spot, you may get tired... but you are so passionate about what you are doing... the time flies by. I love doing the little things and being a behind the scene worker. AMAZING!!!!! I am so excited to see where this week takes us!

So... as this week may get crazy with the numerous papers i have to write and 5 birthdays.... haha... it is going to GREAT!!!!! I am loving life - shy:)

I need you to love me...

Okay... so the question is .... when i say "I love you" am i being real? Or am i always holding something back? Do I love Him enough to give everything else away and stand bare in front of Him? It is so easy to say that i would sacrafice everything... but when i really think about it... am i being honest with myself?

I need You to Love me! Stop this pretending that i can't somehow deserve what i already have.

I feel so often i am acting as though i am giving God everything... but i am not! I am not giving Him anything actually. I am giving Him the pieces but not the whole thing. When am i going to be ready to give the entire thing? And i am pretty sure that He is not going to put distractions in my life until i am ready to sacrafice everything.

It is so hard for me to articulate what i am feeling... and this sucks. Basically i hate falling for a guy who isn't interested. He comes across as interested and then boom... never mind. Something happens and that is over.

Am I really looking for a relationship or just trying to fill a void? This world is so much bigger than CBU. I think i dropped everything at the first signs... but God please fill this gap that is tearing my heart apart. It is this feeling of never being good enough. AHHHH.....

Is this what IT feels like?

So at this point, my life is confusing. Well, basically not... i like a guy and tonight pretty much confirmed that he likes me back. Really?

Sitting around the dinner table tonight talking with all my girlfriends i laughed so hard and smiled so much that my heart could have busted. I realized that we have all been saving ourselves for so long that it is crazy to think that something could be here finally. I know... you are prob. like WOOOO girl slow down, but i just mean.... i feel like i like a guy that stands by all the good things, wants to do something great with his life, and Loves GOD! This is just such a weird place to be, because i see things progressing slowly, but fast at the same time. I love hanging out with him, but also love the fact that he gets along with all my friends too:)

I feel like a 16 year old again... getting the butterflies when he walks up and hate when he leaves. I look forward to the next time i get to see him and am JEALOUS... come on now.. i know i am not supposed to get Jealous... but it is soooo hard not to be. But each time that a little bit of me doubts things... God gives me a little sign to shut up and trust Him. Even if nothing is supposed to happen, He knows my heart and longs to have me fully trust Him.


Lord- I know that you are at the center of everything and Lord as you have me on a new journey i pray that you will help me stay focused. Lord, thank you for the continuous blessings and lessons you are teaching me each day. Lord- Please be with my relationships with my Peas. You know how thick our bond is and i pray that in this time our relationship would only strengthen. Please... Lord - that You would be with this boy. Be His Center and Rock. That any relationship that is formed may be planted on a solid foundation. Lord- please grab our attention and let us always follow you in anything and everything that is to take place. Lord- I thank you for another day to live.. thank you for the sunshine today and the laughter with great friends. You have so richly blessed me so much i don't even have words. May i use everyday for You Lord - Love you, your daughter shy:)

So Complicated!

It is untamed, crazy, and unpredictable. It has a life of its own that i am unable to keep control over and that drives me crazy. I am impatient and want to stay in my little comfortable box. Yes, i am talking about my hair this week, but as i sat down thinking about what i would write about... it dawned on me that my hair is much like my life at this point. I like a boy. And the amazing thing is that i have crazy hair this week and yet that is okay. Now, most girls you talk to would say that they would want to impress the heck out of that one guy. But, my hair is crazy and yet i am not stressing. Now, to most this idea would seem dumb and surfacy. But i think it shows strides.

For years i have looked at the mirror trying to find the little imperfections that i could so called "Fix" to become who i am supposed to be to impress that special someone. but not anymore.

He makes me smile for all these crazy reasons. He drives me crazy cause he is in control. The ball is in his court and i have to wait for the pass. Yet as he showed up at my house last week, i stood in my crazy untamed curly hair... it didn't even phase me, because he has seen me over the last little while, that he knows me for me and not who i want to look like or think i should look like. Straight hair is my box and curly hair is not.

This week i left my straightener with my parents and it was almost like leaving a part of me behind. I realized how much i rely on trying to look good to please those around me, but this is me. The crazy curly haired girl who is loud...passionate....loves to travel.... loves having heart to heart talks with her roomie....loves muffins....and finally feels secure in her looks.

I don't know where this "whatever it may be" will go, but i have to wait. Last week in Relevant (bible study on Wed. nights), Chris was talking about waiting and praying. WAITING. Realizing that things are not always going to happen now, but something ahead is so much more than we could ever imagine. Today, as i pushed Jackson and Hannah in the stroller, I began to pray that God would strip my heart of the need for things to happen NOW. Though the world at CBU consists of RING BY SPRING ladies... i am so far from there.. but still have the desire for that certain person in my life. Though, i desire to be used and feel that i am scared of the distraction this could be in my life.

I think that there are so many parts of me that are on the fence. Do i like this guy or do i not get distracted? Am i scared that i could never really be loved by a man? Am i insecure because so many times i have put my heart out there only to be smashed. But God, really my prayer tonight is that i could be yours. Let me be serenaded by your voice, touch, and grace. God, your compassion for us is so breathtaking. The little things that you place on my heart Lord, please let me be used and wait on your timing. That i would not doubt you... and your will for my life. Lord - please let me TRUST you in all things and fall at your throne everyday.

WOW... what a week

Lets see where to begin.. okay...

Saturday night: Rascal Flatts Concert

Sunday night: Nerts

Monday night: RA Meeting that was amazing

Tuesday night: Box seats at the Angels Game

Wednesday night: Karaoke with the UP Boys

Thursday night: A night off:)
Friday night: Joes Crab Shack with Cody and Arcade games

Saturday: Magic Mtn with TWIRP DATES

That equal... SUNDAY = EXHAUSTED!

This last week has been absolutley amazing... but i am wipped out! Everything was so amazing and i am never going to forget so many of these memories.. but might i suggest maybe spreading all this fun out... just a wee bit!

Here are some pictures from all these:)

Arcades for Cody's B-day

Karaoke with the boys

Box Seat at the Angels Game

RASCAL FLATTS 07

WINGS....

So most of you know that i started really re-thinking what my life was going to be about this last summer.. knowing deep down that teaching just wasn't for me. So, i started praying like crazy. It was really intense, because teaching was comfortable and reliable. Basically, you graduate, get your credentialing, and start teaching. But in don't want that:)

So... for some reason i set up an appointment to see an Academic advisor this last week. Talk about amazing. I walked into the room basically ready for her to tell me that it was too late to back out of my major at this point and that i was going to need to just continue, but she told me the opposite. She told me that what i had taken would directly transfer into a new major and that i would graduate easier with the new major. WHAT?? Can i say GOD is GOOD! So, i am now a communications major ... i am making my ways to work in a corporation or business where i can lead and work with people directly. This just feels so right. I get to start my major classes this next semester and i am so jazzed. Public Relations, Organizational Leadership etc. Come on now... that is why i have loved the book my dad gave me on Starbucks, because it was all about making a great company and learning how to treat people the best.

I think that it is so strange how everything seems to just fit. I know that this major is going to be more difficult for me, because i was so used to being in my bubble, but not anymore. Come on now... how amazing? It was as if i was all of the sudden i was given wings and i began to soar. The cage was unleashed and my little baby wings began to flap. I know that i am going to have to start at the bottom... but i am more excited than ever before in my life. I am passionate and revved for what is to come. I am ready to find out what is out there and how i can start making a difference. Plus i am going to graduate on time without a problem...... GOD IS SO GOOD!

So... there is my story so far! I am so excited that if you talk to me about it... i might just talk your ear off for sometime:) - the new me

Rehab

So this week i started reading in Joshua. I was fascinated by the words i found so comforting.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

Lord can i have the heart of those who walked across the Jordan River... "Whatever you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go." - Joshua 1:16

I want to have faith like that. I want to believe whole heartidly that my future is in the hands of God and not my own.

She sits and cries

Her lips were quivering and tears ran down her cheeks. The look of heartbreak was read by those walking by and yet she just cried. It was over and she didn't know how to handle it. No more little looks or tiny kisses. No more normal hello's and hopeful goodbyes. They were over or at least for a while. She just wanted to know that he cared, but didn't know how to talk to him.

Sometimes the days are hard... there are those moments when i wonder and ask God, "why am i alone?" why can i not have that guy... but then i hear the heartbreak and see the tears of my friends and see what God is saving me from. I know that one day i too will understand and i too will go through pain, but for the last 20 years he has saved me. He has left my heart for Him and Him alone, knowing what is and will always be best for me. Sometimes it is hard to not be able to relate or even have the words, but then again... i remember.. that is not why i am here! I am here for a shoulder, an ear, someone to lean on.

It is heartbreaking to try and comfort a friend when you have no idea what they are going through. For an instance i am frustrated and just want to give up... asking myself... is it really worth it? do i have the energy again? But then isn't that what we are here for? to come alongside our friends and comfort them in the sad days. Though i don't understand and hope i don't have to go through the trials just like them, i know one day it will be my turn too... my turn to ask for help and my turn to understand the pain, but right now God is protecting my heart and wants me to be His alone.

So... as i listen to the words of one of my favorite Barlowgirls songs... Porcelain Heart... i understand that only God has the power to heal our broken hearts. We are humans who have no words, no idea the extreme power of everything.

I just pray that in the future i have the opportunity to learn and grow to be more like Christ. A self-sacrificing, completely loving person.

Is this THAT feeling?

I think that this summer was a great big leap in the right direction for me and life. I think i finally had the guts to listen to my heart and say No. No i do not want to be a teacher, i do not want to live a practical life, where i wake up go to work and go to bed. So i think that by articulating this finally.... i was open the floodgates for my future.

so... my new vision for my life. To help those around me who just need love and support. For so long i have had this dream of working for an organization like "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," directing and leading people to do amazing things for other people. I don't know if that would be with Make A Wish Foundation, Habitat for Humanity, or something else... but i finally feel the strings of my heart being pulled. I am fired up and ready to start the exploration part. It is almost hard having 2 years ahead of me to finish school. Part of me is scared to death for what the future holds, but another part of me wants it now. Of course i do... just like every other person on this planet who wants things their way NOW. But i feel like i am finally excited about my future and where God will take me.


So now onto the heavy stuff.... my mom shocked the life out of me yesterday when we were having a conversation. She told me about one of her friend's daughter who went into the peace corp for 2 years. At first i was like... yeah and... but then my mom started telling me about how this girl's life was transformed and how God had taken her to some many places. She now has had the opportunity to experience and grow while volunteering herself to the needs of those around her. Mom started telling me that this girl hadn't dated in high school or college and had often been disappointed about not having someone, yet now years later she is married with her first child. I think the thing she realized was that God was saving her for something more than she could ever imagine.

So... as i hung up the phone i was startled by how much was on my mind. The idea of the peace corp scares the crap out of me. Two years of your life to living and working for nothing in a country you are unfamiliar with. INTENSE!!!! But as the day progressed... my heart was heavy. Could i do it? Could i sacrifice the plush lifestyle i live in, to serve honestly serve those around me. What about my family? What about my friends, would i have the strength to leave it all behind to live a life for others? Is this something God is really calling me to?

I barely slept last night because i was so intrigued in the life that God is preparing for me in the future. Yet the amazing part is that i am wanting to learn more and more about people like Mother Theresa and those who gave of themselves fully. I want to have skills and learn trades that could help me in the future.

This last week in Church my pastor was talking about how this Ethiopian was not allowed into the church yet would travel to Jerusalem when they worshipped just because he knew God was there. Though he was not allowed in, he loved God so much that he devoted himself no matter what it took. Come on honestly... what the heck? This is so scary and amazing at the same time.

So... as of this point.. i am praying like crazy. so if you would like to send up a prayer for me that would be amazing. Though it is two years away... i know how fast that time slips by and i am trying to devote everyday to being used. I want to serve and love like never before.

Maybe the reason why i have not had a real relationship with a guy yet is because God is preparing my heart for something extreme. He is saving my heart and going to do something intense before he decides to settle my feet down with a family.

Now the question is... can i settle my heart to see the doors God is opening right now for me to walk through and learn through for my future?

WOW!!!!! INTENSE!!! LIFE IS INTENSE!!!

New Welcome Mat

It is little and has lots of white walls, but they are my walls. It has four little chairs, around a round little table. The couch doesn't really match but it is a couch. My grandmothers quilt hangs making everything taste like home.

It is quiet and just right! It is the realization that i am all grown. It is my very first apartment.

Today was amazing!!! I got to hangout with my new roommate all day.. speeding down the road in search for the best and cheapest decorations to cover those white walls. Feeling the complete satisfaction of not breaking our checkbooks (or visas) at Ikea and squealing like little kids as we raced into our apartment just wanting it to be all done.

Then i went to a friends house and spent a couple hours hanging out with some random people. It felt really good.. because i feel different. I actually cared about the lives of others and how they were spending them. i talked to this random guy who i had met a few times last year and had a great time listening to where he was going in life. It is so awesome to feel comfortable enough to just talk with someone you don't know. FUN FUN FUN.

I am really excited about this year and can't wait to get back into the steam of things. Though tomorrow is the start of training.. which means no freedom, i am really trying to have a great outlook and positive attitude.

Love is the theme of this next year for my life!

So as i sit in this really cute new apartment.. it is like stepping into a whole new Independence and way of life. I am really jazzed to see where God takes me and what he does in my life.

- SHY:)

Um.. now what?

So in the last week i have come home to find that i don't want to be a teacher, i am passionate about helping people, and that i am now more lost than ever. This summer has been amazing! I am so lost right now.. yet am seeing the light. I am finally articulating what it is that i feel is at the pit of my soul. The scary thing is that i am reaching out to a place that is uncomfortable and challenging! I think i am done nannying for the summers... which is scary to say, because that is where my money comes from... but am excited to see where God takes me now.

Why does it seem that everything that is comfortable needs to be left behind? WE get to this certain place in life where everything is flowing, yet then it is time to leave. We are to embark on a new journey that is taking us to places we have never faced before and the waters are unmarked.

It is so crazy.. i was just thinking about how Jesus tells Peter to trust Him to walk out on water to Him. Now Peter has been challenged before, but come on.. walk on water??? what the heck? I think that God is telling me to just take the first step off the boat. Take the next couple of months to ignore everything my head is telling me, and trust Him. I am used to the boat and am comfortable just working the boat, but no.. it is my time to step off. Now... this is so hard because the world is telling me that we are not supposed to walk on water.. we are supposed to stay in the box and stay comfortable. Go to school..get a degree.. get married... live happily ever after... heck no! It is only when we step off the boat that we can see the amazing things that God wants to do with our lives.

I was running a couple days ago and i had all these crazy things going through my head. God was really using that day to hit me hard with some crazy things, but then i fell. I mean hard... i stumbled on a rock and down i went. I caught myself but got pretty banged up, but you know it wasn't about falling.. but about the need to cry. I just bawled like a little baby out there.. all alone. I haven't really cried in a long long long time and it was so refreshing. It was as if finally the walls were breaking down and i could just let it all pour out. My pain.. frustration... depression...fears...reliefs...excitements... etc. It was so crazy to be all alone, but feeling the presence of God so much more.

I am ready for this next year.. i am ready to cast a vision and really act upon it. I am ready to stumble and be scared for what the future is to hold, but really jazzed to see what will happen. I have only been encouraged thus far... so who knows... this world is so short yet so full of opportunity.

Lord- my prayer this year is that i don't get comfortable. Let me struggle and find you in a new way. Lord- may i be Your hands and feet, that i may love like you love and feel a little of the pain you went through. I have so much to learn and am scared at times to see where You are going to take me. Thank you for this last summer.. may i be a light! Your light!

I am on this tight rope for you Lord - this railroad track trying to keep my eyes on You to stay on track!

As it wraps up...

Only a week left of San Clemente.. crazy how fast the summer flew by. Only a week until true vacation at my home:) i haven't had a true vacation without with work in a really long time and it is going to feel really good not to have any obligations.

I can't say this summer has been my favorite, but it has been interesting. A mix between great days and bad days. I have figured out a lot about myself though in the process. I figured out that i hate having a job where i never feel i am doing just enough. I hate constantly feeling like i am walking on egg shells, when there is really no big problem. I love the way i can just leave and take off on my own special beach trail.

I am going to miss the freedom that i feel in the moments that i watch the random people pass by me on the running path. I am going to miss no traffic and swimming laps in the beautiful private pool. I am going to miss the hard times i have faced, trying to work through what i believe, how i face life, and what journey God has me on. I know the journey will continue, but i haven't been alone this much in my life, and it has given me a lot of time to just be quiet.

I am afraid that my life is going to continue spiralling down this course that seems uncontrollable. I am afraid that i will go back to who i was, forgetting the lessons i have learned this summer.

I am excited about the rich new opportunities i feel are just ahead. I am excited to start listening and seeking others out instead of being the star all the time. I am excited to get healthy again. I am excited to find a new church, a home. I am excited to change the way i may appear to others. I am excited about getting a little closer to graduating, yet freaked out because i don't feel passionate about teaching.

I am jazzed at getting the chance to delve into richer relationships with my friends.

I am a little worried.. might i say really worried i am not going to pass my biology class.

I am slightly worried about my relationship with a certain person. The dependency is becoming more and i don't want it.. all the while i do. I just wish that God would maybe... just maybe put someone else in my life to help stop what is going on.. yet isn't. *i know it totally didn't make sense

I see now what i had always wanted and what i now know i don't need. Thank you God for your ability to make us understand in our own time. i was a spoiled girl this summer and feel the worst in my life. Crazy how that works out huh? But hey the glass is always half full and the darkness is now turning to light. A hand is reaching out to me... saying Baby, i know you were searching, leaving, and now want to return.. i have always been here!


so that most likely didn't make any sense to you... but hey that is why it is Shy's blog right?

Lord, thank you for the RAIN

Mercy Me Sings this song called Bring the Rain! It is amazing:)

This summer has been one of the hardest times in my life! I have been not only battling with my weight, loneliness, doubts, fears, wonders, excitements, quiet and loud moments, but also reflection and change. This song pretty much sums up my summer thus far.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory And I know there will be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I think the hardest part of this summer has been me for the first time having to stand in the rain. It is like this great big rain cloud has been over my head and i am just now starting to see the sunshine, through the little break in the clouds. Yet, it has been great. I guess i have been looked at always as being all put together and confident, um... yeah no. It is hard to describe, but i feel sometimes almost everything has to be taken away, for you to see who God really is.

Now most of you know i am living rather nice in a million dollar home, with blessings rocking my socks off.... but i think this was a time God was showing me this side of life so i can understand that wealth is not what i want or need. i feel that in the near future i am going to see the flip side, but to really learn love i have to experience both sides. People with everything hurt just like those with nothing. People struggle and gasp for air. They always think that one more thing will make them happy... yet it never does. So, i guess this is a proclamation, that i feel God gearing me up for a journey. A journey to a different side of life. I can't figure out where that will be, but i am ready.

I am sitting in a room, where the furniture alone is more than people would make in a lifetime in poor countries, which tears my heart out, but also gives me an idea of what i thought i always wanted. Now that i have it, i don't want it. Yet, i feel Him stirring... pushing and grinding.. helping me focus on Him so that i can be his hands and feet. Hard summer = amazing lifetime!

Interesting

So, Cody ( my amazingly random brother who i love with all my heart) has been talking to me about God lately. For the longest time i was so worried that he was so far from God that he would never come back, but i think i was missing it the entire time. He is trying to find God in a way that many of us are afraid to try. He is digging really deep and cutting out the whole religion thing. A month or so ago, we had this entire evening together where we talked about where he was on a spiritual level. IT it fascinating! He started talking to me about how the problem with religion is that everyone is constantly trying to judge their ways against each others, instead of seeing that God wired us differently and to worship differently. Though this was something out of the ordinary for me to think about, i started thinking about this. What if our God is so big that he is seen in so many different forms. Though our entire lives we have been brought up to go to church, say certain things, and believe certain ways... we are really supposed to discover it ourselves. Cody is not against faith, he is opposed to how religion constantly puts people against each other, thus taking our eyes from the important part!

Another interesting thing that i have been wrestling with has been ... how the entire point of life is to love. Honestly.. we are just supposed to love. So what if we stopped teaching other people that our way of belief is right and just teach people to love. because at the root end of all things.. God calls us to Love. IF love opens the doors for people to see that the God we worship is filled with grace, mercy, and forgiveness... then we don't have to use words. WE can preach through our actions and not through strife. I chose to believe that i was not called here to go to the Nations and take my God, but to go to the Nations and point out the amazing love of God and all the places that He is already present, that often times people miss.

I guess my mind has been going in so many different directions lately, and i feel a lot of life i have been striving to be the perfect Christian, when i am on a journey like no other. I love going to a small school, where people love on each other... but at times it is hard to be there. It is hard to hear everyone talking about how we are a school filled with mission, yet we are not using our hands. Where in Riverside have we left our mark? Yeah, so we are nice and polite.. whoopdido! We are so much more than that! Where have we left love? Where have we gotten out of our bubble and stopped worrying so much about the CBU relationships? There are so many homeless, lonely, poor, lost people! We don't need to use big words and try to through the bible in their face! We need to extend a hand and give our time. Now, i am not blaming everyone else, but starting with myself. I have let 2 years go by without really doing anything myself.

I feel this summer has been a really rocky and wild ride for me, just on this personal journey.... so now, as this summer starts to come to a close... i am starting to gear up. I am stomping on the past 2 years.. as a good time of learning, but seeing things i wanna change as well.

Wide Open Spaces

It must be the sea breeze or calm feeling that overtakes my body as i jog down the dusty and dirty trail each evening. I can hear the waves crashing even over the voice of India ari and i smile. It is as if for just one moment in my life i have the choice to do whatever i want... i can continue running or stop and just gaze out at the dolphins splashing in the water. No boss, no obligation, just me and my running shoes.

For the past yearish i have been intrigued by the fact that running can be such an incredible feeling that i have been missing for all these years.

I have been running along the beach in San Clemente for the past week and it is sooo amazing. The richly diverse community of people who call this trail home. It is a mix between innocent children learning how to ride their bikes for the first time and the troublesome teenagers just trying to get through the days. It is the first time parents who live with all the pleasures of this Earthly world and those who are just struggling to get through the month. It is the old man who is just scooting along and the fisherman on the pier just enjoying the last moments of daylight.

For an hour each evening i can just be me. I can sweat and smile. I can throw my hair in a pony and run slow. I can talk with God and not be interrupted.

IF you have never run.... don't start fast... start out slow and enjoy nature... breath in the clean air, listen for those noises we often miss, and breath... we are here another day! RUN:)

The Fat me

This morning in church our pastor was talking about the B-attitudes and focused on Matthew 5:3. It was talking about those who are weak in their spirit will inherit the Kingdom. He was talking about how every single person has a part of their life that is just tearing them up.

His analogy was great, he said.... "now your front door may look manicured with a perfect lawn and flowers... but it is what is on the inside that counts, the deeps secrets of the bedrooms and basement that really determine the inner-workings of a person" It doesn't matter if everyone sees a perfect lawn, eventually they will have to see the inside. We are all broken and hurting with something. It is only when we admit we have a problem and seek Him to heal those wounds that we can begin to heal.

I have struggled with my weight since i was really little. Yes, i have always been tall, but i have always clung to food for some reason. I know that each person holds baggage that they must sort through and find answers to and i am still on that journey. I am not sure what void i am trying to fill with food, but i am desperatly trying to find out what the problem is so that i can once again start the journey to being healthy again.

So i am standing here today to say that the smile and nice tan on the outside may seem great, really in the basement i am not doing good. I feel fat all the time and still eat. I know that in the worlds eye's i might not seem overly overweight, i know that there is a problem.

I feel that Satan has hit different people with different things and today i can see that he has me gasping for air when it comes to food. I do not want to think about food all the time and how i look. I want to be free to live and be free to dance for Jesus. Not this world, but i want my basement to match the smile in the front yard.

Lord - Please fill my life with purpose that will help me not cling to any Earthly thing, but You and you alone. I want to move forward today. Be my source, my strength, and may i keep my eye's upon You at all times. Food cannot and will not dictate my life. - your daughter

Coming Home

This weekend was my little brothers graduation from high school and it hit me really hard. I am not a little kid anymore. There are no more baby steps or parents holding their hands out for me to run into. I threw my cap and tossed my gown and life is here. Going back to my high school was a loud reminder that i want something out of life. I don't need to try and explain every decision, but want to be proud of where i have gone in life.

I am only home for 4 days this summer and that is crazy. Life is moving, people are growing, and if i am not careful life is going to pass me back.

After spending the last 5 hours with 4 of my friends from my past, i realized that i am still clinging to the past when i need to continue to push on into the future. I am not missing anything here back at home and southern California is my new home. I actually missed my school friends when i was in the presence of my high school friends. So... here is to coming home and knowing that God is guiding me into the future. Life may change, but i need to trust, follow, and continue on.

Total Copycat

So after reading my friends blog, my heart was yearning to be a copycat. She just wrote about who she was and nothing stopped her. So here goes!

I love popcorn that has been sitting in the bowl for a couple hours. I love comfy flip flops and feeling grass in my toes. I don't really like babysitting everyday. Kids drive me crazy. Starbucks water is AMAZING. I hate having to walk on egg shells around certain people. i hate clinging to a certain boy knowing that He is not the one for me. I am just getting through the days at this point and i hate that feeling. I love my family like never before. I never wear lipstick. I talk way too much and yet do nothing about it. I love driving and hate being the passenger. Map quest is one of my favorite Internet tools. If i could travel every week i would. I am so restless. Whipped cream and strawberries make me happy. I am really happy being single right now. i think i don't give guys the chance sometimes out of the fear of total rejection. I don't want to be too rich. i want to honestly and authentically care deeply about people. I want to work at Ronald McDonald house this summer. i grew up in a cult and am so glad i did, because now i appreciate my relationship with Christ all that much more. I wake up happy almost every single day. i can't spell worth crap. I often take the easy way out on school things. I love slow and soft music. I only write late at night. Deep down i think i love Kevin, but not that kind of love. I am insecure alot. I seem to always have it all together, but i don't. Food is my biggest downfall. My heart hurts right now. i really like pottery barn. But i don't want pottery barn, i want to help people. i am a lot of talk and not enough action. I love talking to my mom on the phone. I love feather pillows and when things match.

I like being alone, but sometimes i get depressed when i don't have people around me. the smell of vanilla is so comforting. I am old enough to see the problems in my parents marriage and that scares me. I have so much to learn. Sometimes i wish i could be a kid again, so i could just run and learn and not worry about life. Eternity is scary to think about. Sometimes i can feel God so close and sometimes He feels so far away. I only like talking to certain people on the phone for a long time. I long to be held by a man. I don't think the point of life is to have the happily ever after, but to end being a total servant. I constantly compare myself to others and i don't want that. I want to wear sweatpants that are big and baggy just cause. I love being kissed by the sun and feeling the warmth on my skin. Pessimistic people kill me. Lazy people just make me mad. I love hanging out with non-Christians and learning things from them and loving on them so deeply, not expecting anything in return. Celebrities just need people to love them (not the TV them) but the true them. I feel sorry for Britney Spears and far away she is from what is really important in life. I love road trips and those songs that take your breath away. I love running in the morning and seeing the world begin again. i have been trying to write a story for my aunt since 5th grade and yet can't seem to find the words. i love people.

i want to live in the country one day. i want to walk outside my door and not see other people's house. i want to drive down a long driveway with lots of trees and have a big porch. i want to raise my kids in the country. i want to be close to my brothers even when we are all grown. i want to be constantly challenged by friends. i want to not compare my life to others, but just live fully alive. i don't really like concerts cause they are awkward. i hate smoke and love strawberry shortcake. i want to be a great mom one day, but am way to young at this point.

life is life and i am ready to be used, torn, pushed, pulled, and molded.

Is it the seats?

For some reason airplanes and airports do something to me. I don't know if it is the quiet/lack of quiet or the fact that i am stuck in a chair for over an hour with no where to run. But every time i get on the airplane God does something amazing... it is almost as if He is revealing things to me as i am flying in the air.

I have battled with my weight for years now and sometimes it is so exhausting. I get sick of having to make the right decisions all the time and feeling so bad if i don't. I hate having people constantly tell me oh you don't need to lose weight, when both i and them know that i need to. I know it is not about my body, but it is about getting over the obsession i have with food.

So as i started a new journey this last week, i realized that getting in shape and eating right was on the to-do list. I did pretty dang good, but still needed a little kick. So, as i was reading in this great new book i picked up by Rob Bell, i was stunned at the words i heard.


"Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of the desire, it's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires."

"If they don't go into a few, select, disciplined pursuits that you are passionate about and are willing to give your life to, then they'll dissipate into all sorts of urges and cravings that won't even begin to bring the joy that the "one thing" could.

Lastly, "how can you make your life about that so that you won't be tempted to give into that"


What journey does God have me on that is going to take me away from food. I want to work at the Ronald McDonald's home for children, i want to do something with homeless, and i want to do something more. I am done, finished, and challenged to be me... not anyone else, not a size 2 but a healthy women of God who is here to make a mark! - that's me

We are all the same

We are all people... we are just wounded and hurting souls searching for something that is so much bigger than words. We are reaching for the light when if we just opened our eye's we would see Him and realize that He is it!

Today jocelyn and John were talking about where they were going to be sitting at this huge benefit. Should they sit next to Shaq or Jennifer Garner? Now, honestly a couple weeks ago i would have been freaking out thinking of how much i would love to get to have dinner with Jenn, but come on they are just people too! They are people who are searching, and scrambling in a lost world. I would rather sit next to a person who has had no food for an entire week, who would appreciate a warm meal and would really appreciate everything. Because as much as i would love to have a heart to heart with celebrities, people forget that they are just people too!

I think we are missing the point in the world. I was having a conversation with my brother the other day about religion and He had such insight on what the problem with religion is. We are all going and searching after the same God, but can't seem to see that so we have to fight over who is right! Why?

Today, i met two morman guys who were walking down the sidewalk in pursuit of who they could talk to next. Now, i used to get really bugged by their interrogation, but not today. I realized that they Love God and want to spread His name, they are looking for something more. Though i do not agree with some of their teachings, there is no reason to dislike or get annoyed by them. I am called to love them as Jesus loves them.

If we are made by God and there was nothing before or after God then we are in His perfect image which means we are to love as God loves. No matter what...

WOW that was random.. but yeah, just some thoughts!